User talk:Apolizzotto4/sandbox

Alex's Peer Review
Suggestions for the Ana DuVernay Director Section: - there are some phrases that are on Wikipedia's "watch out for" list. The phrases I have found that could use improvement are "There has been much discussion," "Many felt," "many individuals were happy," and "people were still happy" - you have a really good variety of different sources, maybe if you have quotations from DuVernay you could add those, especially when you talk about her comment on social media, a quote here would be effective - I think you could add the name of the critic who is making the argument before each statement (i.e. before the statement "there has been a lot of tension" you could introduce the author of that source to add legitimacy)

Suggestions for the Reception Section: - You do a really good job of getting a variety of different critics and their inputs/reception of the film - there are some instances where you simply say "critics" where I think you should try to be more specific about which critics, and maybe even adding the names of them - there is some grammatical typos in the last sentence of the first paragraph (i.e. extidraordinary and thatt) - similar to the "critics" I think you could be more specific when you mention "others" in the second paragraph - there is a good mix of quotations and paraphrasing, but maybe add a couple more quotes to add legitimacy to the second paragraph - you do a really good job in the last couple of sentences in the second paragraph with introducing new ideas and explaining the critiques of certain individuals. However, you might want to add quotations if you have any from your research - grammatical error "some of stated" should be "some have stated"

- overall I think you do a great job with the content, there are just a few phrases that suggest biases and some instances where more quotations could be used - also, I feel like the flow of the paragraphs works, and that there are no illogical points in your text - finally, there should be a citation with every sentence, so you could add a few at the ends of the currently un-cited sentences

Hannah's Peer Review Hannahso608 (talk) 18:40, 27 November 2018 (UTC)
Does the writer employ concise, plain language? Are any sentences awkward or lengthy? Are there any weasel words? What revisions or proofreading to individual sentences would you recommend?

The language that you use is concise and easy to understand. I would consider removing potential weasel words like "There has been much discussion," "Many felt..." and "Many regular movie-goers..." I would also make sure to proofreed and make sure there are no typos like in the sentence "Critics also had some positive reactions to the film, stating that the visuals were extidraordinary and thatt tfhe film "continue to make lasting impressions on innocent minds to change what it looks like to be a young black woman.[4]" I would also even consider removing sentences like "Many regular movie-goers took to Twitter to express their positive reactions after seeing the film in theaters," since the next few sentences, which include positive reactions to the film, already convey the idea that the film received largely positive critical acclaim.

Does each sentence convey a factual claim? Is each sentence cited? One citation per statement is the minimum expectation. No original research should be included.

I would be sure to add a citation for sentences like "There has been much discussion regarding Ava DuVernay being the first African-American woman to direct a movie with a budget over $100 million," and "There has been a lot of tension regarding women of color in the film industry, so many individuals were happy to see DuVernay as the director in order to break the stigma around the film industry and the bad reputation of being a individual of color."

Does each sentence attribute viewpoints to the people who hold them/the source? Does the writer need to add signal phrases?

Good job attributing reviews to specific Twitter users. For the sentence "Critics also weigh in with negatives that they have seen throughout the movie. Some of stated that they have seen numerous inconsistencies from the film to the novel[5]," I would mention specific names of critics to add further credibility. Mentioning specific names would also be a good opportunity to add more signal phrases.

If writer has composed an entire paragraph, does it flow logically? Is anything unclear to you?

Your paragraphs flow logically, and make sense.

Do you need more information or clarifications to understand the drafted materials?

Everything is understandable. As mentioned above, I would mention the specific names of movie critics to give your sentences more credibility. I would also perhaps mention the credentials of the specific Twitter users that you mention (like why should we care about their opinions?)

Suggest changes that create a formal tone.

Good job avoiding the use of contractions. For a more formal tome, I would consider removing phrases like "many felt..." as mentioned above. I would also try to replace the word "great" in the sentence, "Many felt that Ava DuVernay was a great choice of a director, because she was able to correctly highlight the challenges imposed upon young African-American girls in society," with another word, as per the list of words that Wikipedia would like editors to avoid.