User talk:Ayyyelupe/sandbox

Peer Editing Feedback (from Neha)
Hey Lupe! I'm Neha and I'm one of your peer editors :) I'm going to try to comment on your "summarizing and synthesizing" in the same organization that you did so it's easy to follow. If you have any questions feel free to respond via Wiki!

SECTOR: Comprehensive Sex Education
Introduction: I'm assuming that you would add this to the current introduction and I think it is a great little section to add. I would go another step and explicitly say what the "the unintended consequences of premarital sex" are so it is clear to readers that may not be familiar with the topic.

Sexual Education Funding: You spend a great a deal discussing abstinence education funding and from a reader's perspective, it takes away from the focus of CSE (was this instead intended for a different page?). Also the tone in the first couple sentences is a bit biased with the use of "always". I would suggest incorporating more sources to support your information. I see that you have used one for all of your text - try to loop in the other ones that you have listed in your bibliography. When you discuss bills/legislation, it may be worthwhile to summarize the legislation and then list out the differences/amendment for a more easy read (not necessary though).

Criticism: Is this saying that health educators in CSE refer to those that engage in sex in derogatory ways? If so, make this more explicit. Right now, I am having trouble seeing the connection/relevance between this text and the current "criticism" section on the CSE article page. It seems like it may be a better fit for criticisms of abstinence-only education.

AREA: Peer Health Exchange
Introduction: I don't think it's necessary to define CSE on the PHE page since there is already a wiki page dedicated to CSE. Instead, it may be worthwhile to link the PHE and CSE pages.

Overall Feedback from Neha
Overall I think the information you've gathered is a really great start! You'll probably find that you'll be able to link multiple articles together (including PHE and CSE) to create a more holistic, connected understanding for readers. I would suggest looking into and incorporating more sources. Best of luck :) Nzahid (talk) 20:59, 17 March 2018 (UTC)

Sectors
I really appreciate the way that your introduction contextualizes the issue. I think that your intro could be expanded upon but I completely understand that this is the preliminary draft and you have a great starting off point. In regards to the section that lists the different goals of sexual health education I would caution you against using words like "this" and "that" instead of the names of what you actually mean because it waters down what you are saying and though at times writing the name of the subject again may seem repetitive I think that being explicit aligns with the language typically utilized in well developed wikipedia articles. I don't know if you plan on adding this later, in which case please disregard this but I would advise you to also spell out all acronyms before using them. I can see that you are working on collecting sources which is fabulous but remember to cite them at the end of each sentence that you use them in, especially in sentences where you pull quotes. You have a great start overall!

Area
I can tell that you have spent most time on your sectors article which is wonderful, and judging by the organization you used in the drafting of you sectors article it seems like you are on the right track.