User talk:Bda1993/sandbox

Ben, I'm from Louisiana and had never heard of this incident occurring. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article, and I learned a lot about a serious disaster happening in my home state. Your article was very well written, so I only have a few suggestions for you!

-If there are any pictures of the sinkholes or its damaging effects, they would greatly help the reader gain further understanding and knowledge of the situation.

- For words like "Mt. Everest" and "Co." you could spell out the words Mount and Company the first time you use them.

- There are certain words that could be added as internal links for people who need further clarification or want to know more about a particular topic. "salt mining", "seismic activity"

-In the third paragraph under the Background section, the sentence, "One of these, Oxy3, owned by Occidental Petroleum, was more than a mile below the surface, making an accurate picture of the mine difficult to come by with on Texas Brine's budget", is phrased awkwardly at the end. You might want to take out the "with" in the last part of the sentence since it is not necessary.

-In the third sentence under the expansion sentence, it is not necessary to put a comma after "managing a sinkhole" because it is not a compound sentence.

- You could consider comparing this sinkhole to another well-known sinkhole because this could provide readers with a better understanding and perspective.

-Also, you could add a section detailing the past and current efforts that have been made to stop the sinkhole or repair the damages.

Those are the only things I found because your article flowed very nicely, and you provided an even balance between the human and natural side of the incident. Awesome job!

Jparen3 (talk) 22:15, 17 March 2014 (UTC)Jennifer Parent

Review-Shyrece Celestine

Great job Ben! Your topic choice is important, in my opinion, because it is a disaster that was only briefly covered by the media. I think generations of Louisianans will find this information very helpful. You covered the topic thoroughly and it was easy to understand. The organization was effective too. I would like to see some pictures though. If you can't find pictures of the sink hole itself, then a picture of a Louisiana salt mine would be useful. If you could find a graphic to illustrate the immensity of Louisiana salt mines that would be great. Nice job otherwise! I really do think your article would be great for a Did You Know. If I read it again and find something else, then I'll just add to my commentary. Shyrece.C (talk) 22:55, 17 March 2014 (UTC)

Review from Dr. Becky
I agree with the feedback from your peers. You have a strong writing style that lends to easy reading and understanding of the topic. Improvement can be made by including more specific information, providing peer-reviewed scientific references to support ideas, evaluating word choices, and removing biased statements. Work toward more fact-based writing for the article and provide references that allow the reader to gather information to make up their minds. Finally, what is the ecological impact of the sinkhole? Is this a particular type of ecosystem and how are species threatened? Are there any endangered or threaten species? What might this conversion of land yield in the future to society and to nature? This connection needs to be clearer. The contribution is promising and I think you have the opportunity for an impactful contribution! B.J.Carmichael (talk) 20:28, 19 March 2014 (UTC)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
On the 18th of March, I pledged "My Wikipedia needs more pictures and less florid language."

How I addressed the first part of that is obvious. The second I accomplished (or attempted to, at least) by both eliminating unnecessary words, replacing others, and deleting quotes. In the latter part of the article, for instance, I used the word "mere" to describe the sinkhole, though this is not neutral. Hence, it has been eliminated. Elsewhere, I replaced the word concomitantly with subsequently (which is both simpler and more accurate for what I was trying to describe). As for the last mentioned adjustment, I eliminated a quote from a Bayou Corne resident as per the advice of my in-class rough-draft critiquer, who made the point to me that this was an encyclopedia article, not a news story.