User talk:Biggboss420/sandbox

Citation feedback: good sources, but watch your language. Be more descriptive in saying how the crime rate has improved rather than saying "in a positive way". Colbuendia71 (talk) 15:45, 15 March 2019 (UTC)

First Paragraph
Remember to capitalize all of Camden High School whenever you use it as a proper noun. Most times in the writing, you have an opportunity to capitalize it. Also, watch your punctuation in the first new sentences, I noticed some missing periods and random quotation marks floating around. Same with "Pail ArmonDavis", I assume there's supposed to be a space between Armon and Davis. You might be able to replace the opening of the third sentence with "The school was built in a similar style to Central Philadelphia high schools at the time, which ...". As well, for the last sentence, you might be able to say "Due to the school's rapid pop. increase, it had to expand..." so that it flows a little bit nicer. You don't wanna say "... the school, the school... " as it sounds a bit redundant.

Second Paragraph
Remember that when you say "Racism was a huge problem" it could be taken as non-neutral, so try to find a synonym that makes the sentence read as more neutral. You can however talk about the racism as a problem if you're talking about how it negatively affected students. To make it sound more neutral, you can say "There was [a lot] of racism, and as such students of color were negatively affected by it." Once again, just watch your capitalization of "High School" if you're saying the name of the school, as well as "Board of Education" and "New Jersey". In the second sentence, you can say "On April 4..." instead of "In April 4". Who is the Attorney you're referencing at the beginning of this sentence? You can state their full name when you first say it, then call them by their last name in subsequent uses. (This can also apply to Mo'Neke Ragsdale in your second section.) One last thing, remember that The last sentence talking about something that happened in 2003 does not necessarily belong in the "Early History" section.

Demolition
Remember to use the past tense here, when you say "in 2011, he decided it will not be the best way to fixing", use would and of instead. You can also change "alumins" to "alumni". Make sure that when you mention Mo'Neke Ragsdale, you spell their name correctly each time so it stays consistent. Throughout, you may be able to link to internal Wikipedia Pages such as Board of Education, National Register of Historic Places, etc. Botjanitor (talk) 19:07, 16 April 2019 (UTC)

Overall, the style of writing pretty good, it seems neutrally toned, although there are some parts in the demolition section where it seems as if you're a bit biased in favor of the parents ("...even though people where (sic) fighting against it"). Your use of sources is good, as I remember you saying you were struggling with coming up with new information. Using the Wayback Machine was a great idea. I think it may be helpful to use something like the NCES to find some statistics on Camden High For the nitty-gritty things, grammar, spelling, and punctuation need to be improved. Maybe copy-pasting in Google Docs or Word and running a grammar check will auto-correct things you could have missed. Despite this, I was able to understand the points you were making, and I think they were extremely relevant in the large picture of the Camden City School District, as Camden High is the namesake and crown jewel of the city. I think that there could be more links peppered in throughout the writing. In terms of organization, The history section is a bit scrambled. The information is good, but perhaps you could use sub-headings to separate the different eras of Camden High's existence. Also, I am a bit confused about placement. Is this intended to be a part of the Camden's education section, or is this going to become its own page? Also, I think there is more to Camden High than just its history. I don't know if the information is out there, but consider trying to find ways Camden High has established a role in the city, such as volunteer work, or being a site for important resident meetings, things like that that would be notable. Overall, you're off to a start! I look forward to seeing how Camden High's story gets filled in by your work.Meerturtle (talk) 14:07, 22 April 2019 (UTC)

Professor feedback
You have a lot of great research and information here, and I think the page is well organized. Most of the revisions required here need to happen at the sentence level: there are lots of places where things need to be capitalized, for example. I recommend we sit down one on one to discuss some of these sentence issues. Also, you should be looking for places to link to other spots on Wikipedia. Right now, you don't have any links to elsewhere. With your citations, try to be clear where the information in your page is coming from: there are two different citations at the end of the first paragraph, but there's a lot of info in there. You've got great raw material here, now it's just a matter of shaping it. Colbuendia71 (talk) 16:36, 23 April 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review 2
This is looking great so far, and I notice a lot has been added since I last looked at it. A few minor grammatical issues still exist here and their but as Travis said, it's great research.

History
One thing I noticed was at the end of the History section. The last new sentence that was added there doesn't quite make sense. Why did the school need to change their principal? Was it in relation to the person who brought in the gun? A bit of clarification would make this better.

I also think a paragraph got included twice by accident: the sentence that begins with "On May 9, 1968...".

One last thing, just make sure whenever you say New Jersey, you're still capitalizing the words.

Other than that, a lot of tense and grammatical issues got fixed, so great job on that!

Demolition
Again, a lot of previous issues of tense and grammar fixed here; this section has improved a good deal. This section is more or less ready for mainspace after fixing a few punctuation errors (See the last sentence: there's a weirdly placed comma). Botjanitor (talk)

Peer Review 2
I agree with Chris, your work has improved a lot! The organization was great, and you added some really significant details. There are still some grammatical mistakes here and there, they don't take away from what you're trying to say, but they're there. The one section I am having trouble understanding is the part on what happened in 2008. Are there more details about the fight? Are the two events that happened in 2008 related? I think the picture in the demolition section was a great addition! It livens up your work and is a good thing to keep in mind when talking about Camden High. Overall, despite the little things, this was really good and I'm glad to see so much improvement. Meerturtle (talk) 11:01, 1 May 2019 (UTC)

As your other reviewers have said, you have a lot of really great material here, and this draft is much improved from your previous draft. The real challenge here is making the language mainspace ready in the next week or so. I highly recommend you visit the Writing and Design Lab in order to get some help with proofreading strategies in order to fix verb tense issues and other minor mistakes. I'm also happy to sit down with you and work through some of these issues in person. Colbuendia71 (talk) 15:00, 2 May 2019 (UTC)