User talk:Blogger192AC/sandbox

Superscript text Hey Blogger192AC! I'm going to evaluate your article, which I'm presuming will be additions to the Free the Nipple wikipedia page. Firstly, you picked a great page to edit. This page is relatively minimal in its size compared to what could be covered on it. In terms of your content, perhaps add headers in your sandbox to give the other evaluators an idea of what section the paragraphs you have written are planning to be placed on the official page. As I'm reading your contributions, I can't really get a clear grasp of how you are going to implement it in the wiki page. I helped correct some grammatical issues on your page that needed a space or period to make it all kosher. There is still a decent amount of run-on sentences and unnecessary use of commas in sentences that I'd reconsider their usage. Lastly, I'd consider reducing the usage of quotes when talking about Free the Nipple. You phrase it as "Free the Nipple," but I don't believe that you need to quote it every time you bring it up as quotations are only supposed to be used when absolutely necessary. You use quotations several other times when it isn't necessary like "Keep a Breast." Also, this sentence "The sexualization of breast has been abused to the point that women are being told not to breastfeed their children." should probably be re-phrased or taken out. It's more of an opinion than fact. I totally get your point, but you should reconsider how you phrase it or get a source to back up the statement. These sentences "Breastfeeding is a naturally occurring act in order to feed a baby. Scout Willis feels that this issue should be taken more seriously by the general public. Women should be able to feed their children in public without being disgraced in the act." also have an opinion in their tone and lack of formal writing to it that should be fixed before publishing. Lastly, these sentences "Opponents argue that disabled, mutilated, and transgender women who digress from typical female bodies are not liberated when they expose their breasts. Instead, because their breasts are deemed not femme enough to censor, they are subject to countless criticisms facilitated online - further reinforcing oppressive gender constructs in the community. Further, the official merchandise for #FreeTheNipple portrays perky B-cup breasts, excluding other varieties of breast shapes prevalent throughout the nation. This stands to provide a platform only for exclusive women encompassing these preferred traits. [14]" sound like you are supporting the free the nipple movement rather than displaying a neutral overview of the topic. This is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. You guys have a lot of great information to add to the Free the Nipple wii page and I'm excited to see how your final draft looks.

-LonzoMVP2025

Response to LonzoMVP2025: Thank you so much for reading our article and explaining what we need to fix. I agree that a lot of the information we wrote sounds more like an opinion rather than a fact. We will take into consideration the suggestions and edit it to sound more like a wikipedia post rather than an opinion. Calstudent123 (talk) 20:25, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Peer Review and Copyedit
Hi Blogger 192AC,

First of all, I enjoyed your groups article. I feel that it is an important page to have a topic written on. I think that the paragraph at the beginning is not entirely necessary since it is explaining what a hashtag is. You could probably replace that with one concise sentence explaining the concept. I think the article would also benefit from including links to the celebrities mentioned as well as the foundations that you mentioned. It would be great for readers to be able to read more about the Chicago Women's Health Center if they are interested. I think that paragraph 3 should be expanded upon because it includes information about the TaTa Top which seems important as well as organizations that are key to the movement. I also liked that you included a picture and showed some of the art attached to this hashtag. Overall, the article seems pretty well constructed and covers many bases. I think it would be good for you guys to go more in depth about each topic to give the reader a better understanding of what was mentioned.

Formatting/Spelling Changes:


 * 1) Ever since the “Free the Nipple” movement was created, women across the nation have been arrested for taking to the streets topless. (remove comma)
 * 2) By wearing this statement piece, women are able to support the movement without breaking any laws (insert comma)
 * 3) Demi Moore, Bruce Willis’s daughter, Scout Willis also took action on the movement by posting a topless photo of herself on Instagram. (insert comma)
 * 4) While the “Free the Nipple” movement aims to fight social media censorship and uncover double-standards in male and female body perceptions, critiques argue that #FreeTheNipple has not gained significant traction in regards to new legislations. (fix spelling on critics and legislation)
 * 5)  LGBTQ campaigners and feminist groups argue that the movement caters to the select few white, skinny, CIS, and able-bodied women who already fall into the physical ideals constructed by society. (Explain what CIS is)

Kevindphan (talk) 21:04, 20 October 2017 (UTC)Kevin Phan

Response to Comment: Hi Kevin! Thank you so much for taking the time and looking over our article's draft - we really appreciate all your feedback! We will definitely expand more on the topics you addressed, such as the TaTa Top. Also, thanks for checking our grammar and spelling! :) Blogger192AC (talk) 20:39, 27 October 2017 (UTC)Blogger192AC

Response to Kevindphan: Hi Kevin! Thank you so much for your insightful commentary and specific grammar edits. I agree that expanding on our topics would be beneficial for our readers, and we will definitely take the time to research more on the topics. Since this is our first draft, we did not even consider linking the specific celebrities and hashtags mentioned throughout the piece. This is was a great suggestion! Hopefully, you can read our new draft with your edits soon. Melinda.an (talk) 21:16, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Peer Review: Trinh's Comments
First of all, I think you all did a great job on your first draft of edits. It's a very long and thorough post. I agree with Kevin's comment regarding the first paragraph. I do think it is unnecessary and not too relevant to the topic at hand. As for the section in general, I was wondering how you plan on incorporating this content into the rest of the page. You note that you want it to be a part of the "In the Media" section and about the "Free the Nipple" campaign specifically, but when I currently look at this sub-section in the article, it is already very long. I feel like adding this to that section alone may make the section TOO long. Additionally, other topics discussed in that section are about a paragraph long. I wonder if adding this content there would make it too heavily skewed towards this movement alone. I think the content that you all provided  could  be divided into different existing sub-sections such as "In the Media," "Instagram," and "Expansion and Advertising."

I feel like there are also parts of the article that does not display a neutral POV."Women should be able to feed their children in public without being disgraced in the act." Unless this was something quoted by Scout Willis, this feels very opinionated, especially because of the word, "should." If Scout expressed this opinion then that should be made more clear. Other quotes like "The sexualization of breast has been abused to the point that women are being told not to breastfeed their children," also imply a stance. While it is true that women are avoiding breastfeeding, this should probably be written in a less "aggressive" way to remain at the neutral point of view that Wikipedia seeks to have.

Outside of what you have already written, there are other aspects on the page that I think you all could touch upon like "Definition" which is currently only one sentence long. Adding more pictures to other sections would also be nice, as the existing article is very text-heavy.

Itstrinh (talk) 01:52, 21 October 2017 (UTC)

Response to Comment: Hi Trinh! Thanks for your feedback - it was very helpful! I like your idea of breaking our content into different sections - we will definitely take this into consideration. Also, thanks for pointing out the POV! We will look over it and make the necessary changes!:) Blogger192AC (talk) 20:46, 27 October 2017 (UTC)Blogger192AC

Response to Itstrinh: Hi Trinh! Thank you so much for the awesome feedback. I liked how you pointed out that some of our commentaries do not adhere to neutral POV. After reading the draft so many times, it is hard for us to notice those minor errors. We will work on incorporating different definitions to provide better context for our readers. Also, I agree that more pictures would better engage our audience! I appreciate your specific details on edits for this draft. Hopefully, you can read our finalized draft with your edits later in the semester! Melinda.an (talk) 20:23, 27 October 2017 (UTC)