User talk:Bokyung0327/sandbox

Good start, there are just some different points to work on. To start, check your first link since there is red writing coming up " Knox, Kelly (2015). ""If Suicide Is a Public Health Problem, What Are We Doing to Prevent It?"". American Journal of Public Health​. zero width space character in |journal= at position 34 (help)". Also, while your paragraph is clear adding some additional information with more examples could be helpful for your overall article. Adding some infographics would probably help your article as well since there is not much other than a paragraph for now. Carlapicasso (talk) 13:11, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

This is an excellent start to this potential topic paragraph. I think that the ideas are definitely there, however, it requires more focus. What exactly are you trying to impart in this paragraph? Try to be more clear, this can be done through the upside down pyramid method talked about in class. --Laylaserna (talk) 05:02, 1 April 2019 (UTC)

Hey Bo,

I really think your paragraph is a great start. I agree with you that mental health is an important part factor for suicide. Also, I think the part where you talk about suicide impacting others is very big. I really like your concise and professional language! Robertpark1999 (talk) 01:05, 2 April 2019 (UTC)Robertpark1999

The transition between "diseases such as myocardial infarction. However," read choppy, replace comma with semicolon or change the however to make it flow better(?). "The responsibility of public health would be develop policies to reduce people’s risk for suicidal behavior through addressing factors at the individual to societal levels", give possible examples of policies or another subsection with any outcomes if they've already been rolled out.Rickyderas (talk) 12:54, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

This is very informative. I think that the third sentence,"Currently, suicide prevention is being recognised as a public health responsibility rather than within clinical settings" seems a little out of place, though. Maybe you can add a transition before you start this sentence. Cbettica65 (talk) 13:00, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Good use of links and citations. The last sentence is missing the word "to" after "be". You could also change the last sentence taking out the word "would" and changing it with "is" to make it stronger. Oliviaohearn (talk) 13:10, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Great start so far! I like the use of sources and hyperlinks. However, maybe if you add a graph, examples, or something that can engage the readers. Also, the link to one of your sources if coming up as a error. (zero width space character in |journal= at position 34 (help)) Miaeschlidt (talk) 13:17, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Briefly describe what the CDC is. Also, suicide prevention does not need to be linked twice in the paragraph, just the first time it is mentioned. Fields18x (talk) 13:30, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Great start! The sentence about myocardial infarction seems to be placed in a strange place. Maybe you can explain how myocardial infarction relates to suicide. Awhite07 (talk) 13:36, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Really good start here. Looks very professional and well-executed. I would try to focus more on the issue that you are looking to discuss rather than just a synopsis of the topic. I would also add some photos to show statistics. Good job!Henrykuv (talk) 17:04, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

I think the topic you are working on is very important and I am glad you are doing it. One thing I noticed though is the sentence, "While suicide is often thought of as an individual problem, suicides may impact families, communities, and society in general." doesn't sound very factual. I would try and reword it so that you state in the paragraph it's the source that mentions it and it doesn't look like it's you making the information up. Sophieb905 (talk) 00:28, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Good start. I would add some statistics to convince me why it is becoming a public health concern rather than a clinical concern. Be sure to cite some expert opinions too as it seems that there should be scholarship making this kind of declaration if it were to be so important. Regards, Rapidrider (talk) 15:57, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

You might want to change "would be" in the last sentence to "is" as you are the expert on this topic Casey518 (talk) 23:51, 5 April 2019 (UTC)Casey O'Connor

I think it would be nice to have more of analysis of how suicide prevention relates more to public health. It seems that you have a lot of clear and concise facts but it is hard to see how your two main topics relate to each other in general. Benitalukose (talk) 02:25, 6 April 2019 (UTC) Benita Lukose