User talk:Borcherd/sandbox

Prof. Smith feedback:

Hi Dane,

I think you have a good foundation for your article, especially with the limited time and information that you've had available. Here's what I'd like to see you work on to improve the article for its final version.

1) I'm a bit worried that the article may not meet Wikipedia's "notability" standard, as it stands. I think Yates is a notable figure, but you may need to make the case stronger to convince the Wiki editors. To accomplish this, I would highlight his important role as the 1855 convention president more in the article by mentioning it in the article lead section and including more about it (at least a sentence or two) in the body of your article. This was a pretty significant event for black rights in California. I'm not seeing you mention the convention proceedings (which are published) as a source. They appear on the "Colored Conventions" website that I linked to through our Canvas homepage. Here is the description of the California conventions from the website: http://coloredconventions.org/exhibits/show/black-convention-activism-in-t

and here is a full transcript of the convention debates of which Yates was president: http://coloredconventions.org/items/show/265

If you do a "find on page" search, you will see his name mentioned dozens of times. This will give you more information about his activities at the convention and his stance on the particular issues. I think this will be critical to establishing his notability and bulking up the article content a bit.

2) I think you can also improve the article by revising and consolidating your headings. You have too many for a short article and the titles can be confusing. I would get rid of the "Childhood" section and create an "Early life" section in which you include everything from his childhood up through his move to San Francisco. Then I would create a section entitled "California Civil Right Activism" and put everything about his newspaper columns and convention activity (put the convention activity first and, as noted above, bulk it up) into that section.

3) I think there is more detail from the Pacific Appeal articles on him (both that I sent you summaries of and that you found) that you could add in to, again, bulk up the content and improve the notability. I would go ahead and mention under "Early Life" that he was involved in the Underground Railroad (aiding fugitive slaves) in D.C. I know you don't have much information about that, but it is a fact that readers and editors will find interesting and notable.

4) Be sure to delete the preliminary bibliography at the start of the article before you move it live.

Peer Review Feedback | William Haley: Hi Dane, I think the information you chose use so far is good, and most of my recommendations below are just stylistic suggestions. Also I think what you have written so far could use a little padding out (some of your sentences are a little fragmented and this would improve flow and readability) and I concur with Prof Smith in that it the addition of new information is called for to substantively expand the article as well.

Editing Suggestions 1) I think for your Lead Section you don't need to have a Paragraph header as you have it now (== William H. Yates (~1815 - 1868) ==). When you publish the article and assign an article title it make this header redundant and it pushes your lead section below your contents box. 2) In the sentence "William H. Yates was a prominent African American abolitionist on the West Coast, California specifically." I would rephrase the end to say "on the West Coast and California in particular". I don't think you need to break up the sentence with a comma. 3) In the sentence "William H. Yates was born a slave in Virginia." I would expand this sentence to include his date of birth. The sentence feel a bit abrupt as is. 4) I feel that the sentence "As a Porter of the Supreme Court, Yates was able to make a living and earn a legal education along with having practical application in a time period of slavery and turmoil." needs to be rephrased and possibly broken up into two sentences. In particular the part "along with having practical application in a time period of slavery and turmoil" reads awkwardly and I'm not sure what you are trying to convey by it. 5) I think the sentence "He then had to flee to New York due to accusations of aiding fugitives, but after his business failed, decided to move his family to San Francisco." can be broken up or rephrased into two sentences for clarity e.g. "aiding fugitives. However, after his business in New York failed, he decided to move his family out west to San Francisco." 6) In the paragraph "In San Francisco, Yates worked as a columnist to The Elevator and a contributor for The Pacific Appeal. As a contributor for The Pacific Appeal is where he made the biggest difference in his critique of a book called The Black Man. In this editorial piece, William Yates attacks spurring a debate over several issues of The Pacific Appeal with William Wells Brown." I think you need to expand this paragraph to better convey significance and context. What was his critique the book? (one sentence) The last sentences could be reworked "Yates attacks spurring a debate over..." reads awkwardly. Who was William Wells Brown and his significance? 7) In the sentence "William Yates dies around September 18, 1868. He was approximately 51-55 years old upon his death." I would change dies to died.

Will1460 (talk) 04:51, 7 December 2018 (UTC)