User talk:BriJRJ/ New sandbox

Hello BriJRJ,

Is this your draft for "Ismene?"

Thanks

Vai29 (talk) 20:38, 10 April 2019 (UTC)

BriJRJ's Peer Review
Hello BriJRJ,

I like the edits you made to the paragraph in your sandbox from the "Ismene" article. I think you did a great job at catching tenses. For example, instead of "Creon decreed" you edited it to "Creon decrees" keeping the language formal and active. This is something that people tend to miss and mix up because it's a bad habit in academic writing so, Great job!

A suggestion to improve is this sentence: "Antigone refuses to let her be martyred for a cause she did not stand up for. She then refers to herself as the 'last unhappy daughter of a line of kings,' alluding that she has forgotten her sister's existence." I noticed you edited the original sentence from "She even seems to forget her sister exists, calling herself the 'last unhappy daughter of a line of kings" to the aforementioned. While I may understand your reasons for changing it to "she then refers to herself . . . ," it might confuse the reader as to who the "she" is in the sentence; whereas the original sentence in the article might seem problematic with the addition of the word "even," but the reader can easily distinguish who the 'she' is.

Another suggestion to improve in the article is to split the plays into their own sections. In the article, all the plays are combined under "Mythology." But the introduction of Ismene at the beginning of the article names all the plays she appears in so it would look much nicer to maybe have a section for each play and to shed light on Ismene's role in each play. You can start from minor to major or major to minor roles.

This sentence can also be edited as well: "Thus, it is apparent that Ismene serves as a foil for Antigone;" considering it does not come off as a neutral sentence. Furthermore, since the article mentions her death at the hands of a murderer, a section for her death can even be done. You can perhaps expand on it more by delving into the reasons for her murder, if such information is available.

As for sources, I think number 2 on the article is a little outdated. Maybe find a book with updated information?

So far, I think you are doing great in catching grammar and language mechanics! I think this is definitely important because it can change the whole tone of an article. Thanks to your edits, I have taken a note to check for such discrepancies in my own article. Good Luck!

Vai29 (talk) 08:26, 14 April 2019 (UTC)


 * Vai29 thanks so much for your excellent and comprehensive peer review. BriJRJ these are some fantastic suggestions going forward. I think there was some confusion as to where your draft was located, and I see another sandbox that you have that has split up the Ismene mythology entry into several sections, which was a really good idea. The organization is great and a lot easier to read. I think your big task going forward will be to find some good sources on Ismene. Let me know if you need some advice finding more bibliography! Gardneca (talk) 04:10, 19 April 2019 (UTC)