User talk:Brogers0922/sandbox

Feedback
This is an impressive start. It appears you’ve found a wealth of good sources to keep the article balanced, as I read it everything stayed in a NPOV, which is what you want so that is good. As you continue your work keep up the NPOV and remember to add sources as you go along. (I noticed your health section doesn’t have any sources yet) It is easier to keep track of where you got the information that way. Keep up the good work Kjatczak (talk) 21:19, 29 October 2015 (UTC)

Quick comments Dr. V
Hi - I moved your lead paragraph above the contents box. I suggest moving the history information from the lead into your 'history' section. Work to eliminate conjunction words like 'however.' Finally, ask yourself tough questions about whether each fact, sentence, and word truly belongs in an article about youth, or if it's better put into the Mongolia article or left out. Brogers0922, this is a great start to your article - hat tip/kitten/coffee for you!Prof.Vandegrift (talk) 12:05, 5 November 2015 (UTC)

Feedback Comments
Hi! Here's some feedback I have for you. (I understand now why she used yours for a good example in class!)

Lead Paragraph I changed a few things regarding syntax. A few commas were missing, but good source use. You also used a lot of other Wikipedia links, which is good as well. I think overall though, the information was really well written. I liked the different statistics. Is there a source you have stating that it is one of the poorest countries in the world?

Otherwise, I think the citations are good, there is no bias that I was aware of after reading it through three times, and there wasn’t any weasel phrasing or “studies show” sentences. Good job with that.

History: I don’t necessarily see how the first two sentences relate to youth. I know it can be a little difficult because you don’t want the section to be too short, but I would start with the more recent revolutions that took place in 1989/1990. Those things impacted today’s youth more than the events in the 1920’s.

I did change a couple syntax things again. But everything is definitely still making sense, they’re just very small grammatical errors! Good citations here as well. I like how you have links to multiple other Wikipedia articles, as it gives the reader more areas to look into (which is very important for the history section of the article!).

Education: I love the transition you have from the history section to the education section. I hadn’t thought about doing transitions because they are separate sections, but I really like how you did that. It may seem a bit opinionated though, so if you have a source to back up the specific fact that it brought important changes to Mongolia’s education system I would cite that here.

I also saw this in the second paragraph too. Is there a source that education attainment was higher than the current rate? After this sentence, your article goes right into the current education systems seen in Mongolia.

Your citations in this section are good. Again you have multiple different links shown for other Wikipedia pages and there is also no bias shown. Great job.

Labor and employment: Good job citing the specific study you were talking about instead of saying ‘according to one study’. I looked at a few other articles and this seemed to be a challenge. In the second paragraph, I would have liked to see a citation following the first sentence. This would just validate the fact about finding jobs for youth, without having an opinion. The first sentence in the third paragraph should have a citation as well. Other than that, you have citations everywhere needed. I would add citations into those few areas, and then add a couple links to other Wikipedia articles, like you had in the education and history sections.

Health: Again with the first sentence, is this an opinion or fact? I changed some phrasing throughout this section (there were just commas and other small things missing). There were a couple instances of repetition as well, especially when talking about the different clinics. I changed these few things for you, but you can definitely change them back if you notice something you didn’t like. I enjoyed how you again cited specific studies to back up the information.

There were not links to many other Wikipedia pages, but in this case I think a couple were okay. When stating facts, sometimes it is harder to find topics that are already talked about on Wikipedia. I would double check with Dr. V to see if she’s looking for more. I added one for the World Health Organization.

Overall you have an abundance of sources, which is awesome. I would make sure they all have DOIs or a URL for others to look at the specific sources themselves. You really did a great job though. I didn’t see any signs of bias. I didn’t see any “this study says”, because you had everything cited. Great job.

WagenerLaura (talk) 01:11, 16 November 2015 (UTC)

Proposed Lead Paragraph from GrebniewNeb 11-15
Youth in Mongolia constituted 18.7% of the population in 2014, numbering roughly 552 thousand individuals. The 15-19 age group is the largest in Mongolia; in 2009 about 40% of the population was under 19 years old. In 2014, estimated population growth rates were reported as increasing by 1.37%. The steady increase in youth will enlarge the already large proportion of working-aged individuals and create new opportunities to build human capital and facilitate economic development

In order to address Mongolia's economic future, Mongolia's Parliament adopted the State Population Development Policy in 2004 to confront development issues facing Mongolian youth. This policy and the Mongolia National Programme on Adolescents and Youth Development defined youth as those from ages 15 to 34 years and aims to provide opportunities and services that build youth into well developed citizens. Mongolia is in the process of transitioning from its status as a developing country to a nation with a developing economy. .

Mongolia became one of the first countries to ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child in 1990 and signing the second and third optional protocols in 2000 and 2013 respectively. Many of Mongolia’s laws and policies attempt to protect and better the lives of Mongolian youth.The legal age of majority occurs at 18, wherein Mongolian young adults are able to vote and assumes legal authority.

Feedback by GrebniewNeb 11-15
You have a great, in-depth, well-rounded article. Great work!

Lead: I rearranged your lead paragraph and put it in your talk page. I know that (talk) said that I could just edit on your sandbox, I thought I would just let you see it and compare the two side by side. So it is above for you to check out. I consolidated information and rearranged it so that different sections were better connected and ensured all information was relevant to youth.

History: I don't know if this section is necessary at all because of how in depth your research in your lead paragraph is. What is this section adding to the study of Mongolian YOUTH?

Education: I disagree with WagenerLaura on the transition at the beginning of this section. I think it is unnecessary and doesn't really fit within Wikipedia. Have you considered splitting up this section into two subsections? One on gender and the other on urban vs. rural issues? It seems like those are two issues you discuss and making use of subsections could be helpful for organizational purposes.

Labor: Do you have a citation for the fact on the Labor Code? On citations, I assume that if one sentence doesn't have a citation it is because it is using the same one as the following sentence. Is that the case in this section, paragraph 2? If it is, then that is fine. I just want to be diligent. Then too, can you get the survey that you use itself to be a citation, rather than just an article that discusses the survey? It isn't make or break but would add more credibility.

I would delete the phrases, "marked gender difference" and "gender gaps" because your facts will speak for themselves and those phrases don't actually add substance.

Health: Watch verb tenses, you seemed to switch between past and present tense.

Sex: The last paragraph and all of its percentages was a bit confusing because of how dense the numbers made the material.

Drugs/Alcohol: I don't think you need to have the word "usage" in the title. You are clearly talking about more than that. Also, cite your last sentence.

Diseases: Cite your last sentence.

Ethnicity: I don't know if you need the sentence on language. It doesn't relate to youth and isn't really ethnicity either.

Great work! --GrebniewNeb (talk) 05:12, 16 November 2015 (UTC)