User talk:Carlobosques/sandbox

Audrey N. Peer Review Comments
General comments :

- Do you plan on adding a lead section or are you planning on using the current content of Swanson’s wikipedia page as the lead section? - The style tends to be a little bit too narrative and not biographical in the Wikipedia style. I will precise this in the following section with precise examples of sentences that tend towards narration. In addition to that, the article uses a few citations that don’t necessarily add information since you always paraphrase the ideas conveyed in them. - Overall I would say that the tone of the article tends to be a very laudatory in the sense that it is a narrated version of the hurdles that Swanson overcame. The facts are clear and I have learned a lot about the significance of his work but the writing sounds like you are praising him. I think it isn’t necessary since the facts speak for themselves. - On the organization of the article, I was thinking that the synthesis of insulin perhaps deserved its own subpart as it is so crucial in the development of Genentech. You put it in a couple of paragraphs in the part on the “beginnings of Genentech” but then there are additional parts in “career at Genentech” which makes it a little bit hard to follow. - You also emphasize the key role of Swanson on the biotech industry, and his original Wikipedia page mentions as few prizes/awards that he has received it might be useful to have a part at the end of the article on his legacy or recognition in which you can put the awards and emphasize his role in the development of the biotech industry.

Early life and education

- About his family’s pride after his admission at MIT : although being a first-generation college graduate is important and MIT is a very prestigious, you don’t need to emphasize it in 3 sentences. It makes the paragraph seem very subjective - Introduction of Swanson quote : this type of introductory phrase is not common in Wikipedia. I would recommend “He explained how he came to this realization in an interview : QUOTE” - About the graduate course : “Thanks to the graduate courses he took” is a very narrative formulation. I would recommend “He developed an interest in … “

Early Career

- You emphasize twice that his performance was praised by his colleges and supervisors (although in two different firms). If you want to make that point you could perhaps do it in a single phrase because it is a little redundant. For instance, the fact that he was chosen to set up a new branch of Citibank in SF implies that he was very performant. “spent a lot of time and effort” is not an objective statement. You could say that he focused on … - About Swanson leaving Kleiner & Perkins : it could be said in one unique sentence that tensions/diversion between the parties led to Swanson’s contract being terminated.

Beginnings of Genentech

- It is in this part that I think there should be a separate section about the synthesis of insulin that would include the two paragraphs on Swanson choosing to focus on insulin and then the part where a group accepts to fund the project and is success - I think that the quote about Swanson choosing to focus on the company and not take another job is not necessary. It adds a very familiar tone to the article. - The Perkins quote is also not very useful since you explain well in the paragraph that they considered the investment to be risky. You can just put a reference but not quote in the article.

Career at Genentech

- “This marked the end of Swanson’s unemployment …” As it is in the part about his career and since you have already emphasized that he had created a company it is not necessary. - It is a little unclear to me what you mean by “the institutions” (“Swanson proceeded to establish official research agreements with the institutions”) - perhaps you said it before but in this paragraph it is unclear. - You could add a little note in between commas about the City of Hope in case people are unfamiliar with it. - The part about the second round of funding and success of the insulin, I think, should be put in a part about the insulin.

Audreynaturel (talk) 01:58, 2 November 2017 (UTC)Audrey N