User talk:Carlsontemple/sandbox

Stephanie's peer review feedback
Stephaniegajdjis (talk) 18:13, 27 November 2018 (UTC)I would use the citations more frequently, like any time you mention the source by name but then use their content in the following sentence, I would put the citation at the end of both sentences not just the second sentence. for example below, citation 2 can be added to the first sentence as well. Also in the third sentence "her" switches from Jennifer Worth to Satrapi and it is unclear if Worth or Satrapi believes it, cite Satrapi in that sentence maybe?

Jennifer Worth, an Adjunct Assistant Professor at Wagner College, presents that Satrapi uses the veil as a metaphor to describe the desire to control women. Worth proposes that the Guardians of the Revolution wield the cultural symbolism of the veil to oppress the social liberties of women, while Marji herself dons the symbolic veils of makeovers in Austria to escape social ostracization for her Iranian identity.[2] Through her utilization of the veil as a symbol of concealing latent struggles, Satrapi contends that the confusion surrounding Marji’s transition into adulthood stems from her complex beliefs and feelings about her Iranian heritage.

Overall, the language in your paragraphs is precise and the paragraphs flow logically.

Bushra's feedback BushraSh (talk) 18:20, 27 November 2018 (UTC)
Feedback: 1) In paragraph one, I think adding in the impact of the Islamic Revolution on Iraninan men will make the paragraph neutral. While Satrapi does mostly talk about the suffering of women in the era, she also mentions then widespread propaganda asking men to serve in the army so that they could die as "martyrs." I think there are a few other examples pertaining to how men were affected by this change in laws, perhaps not as much as women that will add a bit more balance to your section. 2) I think the first sentence of the last paragraph could be re-written. It is a bit confusing to read at first. BushraSh (talk) 18:20, 27 November 2018 (UTC)