User talk:Carolineschulz/sandbox

1.	I like the listed definitions-it is like an encyclopedic dictionary, which I find very helpful for the purpose of reducing potential vagueness in the article. I'm not sure if other more experienced/qualified Wikipedians will mark this up; but a suggestion I'd make is that you could make a note at the bottom of the each of the trafficking definition sections referring to the Wiki page that articulates the broad definition (e.g., instead of providing the definition for "Human trafficking" in general and the definition specific to California, the general definition could be deleted and replaced with a reference to another Wikipedia page; i.e., See also _____ ).

2.	In regards to: "Transnationality: Smuggling always occurs transnationally, but trafficking occurs regardless of whether the victim was transported within the State, or to another State."

Comment: I think this could be stated a little clearer, in a way such as: "Smuggling always occurs transnationally, but acts of trafficking can involve transportation within the State or transportation to another State."

3.	I think moving the list of Organizations down just before the references would look more user-friendly; since they all include links to other URLs, and since all other existing literature is more introductory to the topic than a list of organizations.

4.	I'm reading… "Although it is important to keep in mind that most trafficking reports only take into account media publicized cases, and this could skew the actual numbers. It is likely that sex trafficking is overrepresented in the media due to high public interest"

Comment: Is sex trafficking over-reported on? I would have expected it to be underreported on due to the obscure nature of it. (Sorry, I couldn't find it in the link http://www.oas.org/atip/country%20specific/forced%20labor%20in%20california.pdf ; also, the citation [54] doesn't seem to work/it doesn't forward to the online pdf]

5.	"On the other hand, a federally funded task force conducted a survey and instead looked at a sample of victims reported to the authorities. It found that sex trafficking represented the second largest type of human trafficking at 46%, with labor trafficking representing the largest share at 54%[56]. The discrepancy in results between reported and documented cases could possibly be explained by the fact that sex trafficking is more familiar to authorities, and as a result has a higher chance of being investigated[57]."

Comment: In regards to this passage, helpful would be one or two sentences about the differing reports in regards to sex trafficking and labor trafficking (reference: "The discrepancy in results").

6.	"Domestic servitude involves women, men and even children who are coerced to work for and live in the homes of the employers. The employers exploit these victims by forcing them to work unreasonable hours, paying them less than minimum wages and preventing them from leaving their homes.[62] These domestic worker could be lawfully admitted non-U.S. citizens who have their passports confiscated by their employers in order to force them to stay, U.S. citizens who are forced by their employers to stay or by their families to provide money, or illegal immigrants who are forced to work un-desirable jobs.[63]"

Comment: The sentence "The employers... leaving their homes" I think could be more neutral, or more neutrally articulated with a little background info; I'm thinking, if I were someone who forced people into domestic servitude and thought that there was nothing wrong with it, the usage of the word "unreasonable" would be seen as biased-and my suggestion would be to replace it with 'long', 'strenuous', or something of the life. Comment: The next sentence starting with "These domestic worker…" sounds a little informal to me, for it sounds like part of an argument, when I think an encyclopedian style would be less argumentative/assertive. E.G., "Things that keep people in domestic servitude could include: confiscation of passports by an employer, finance-related pressures from family members, or status as an illegal immigrant."

Some potential areas for research that I would advocate for (if time allows): - Interventions/organizations that have failed or are inactive; and why did they fail


 * Hi guys! I wanted to give some feedback as well:
 * Something to keep in mind is that with Wikipedia, information on general information is typically only a click away. While the definitions are well written, most of this is information that should be in the main human trafficking article. Basically, you want to make sure that this page isn't overly redundant to information that's already on another page. You want it to be specifically about human trafficking in California, so the info here has the ability to be very specific since the more general stuff is already covered.
 * With the section on the organizations, avoid directly telling people to go to another website - at least in that format. This is something I'd instead place in the external links section.
 * Definitely be careful to be neutral. Occasionally there's some material in here that comes across as a little non-neutral - it's actually pretty easy to sneak words and phrases like the example given above if you're not careful, especially with topics like this one.
 * I hope this helps! Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 21:34, 1 March 2018 (UTC)