User talk:Celdamar

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Spoff
''' Spoff is the owner of the religion, Spoff. He bought it off eBay for £4.87. The religion isn't named after him, nor is he named after the religion. It's actually a really wierd coincidence. It makes me scared when i read about it. Oh, great, now im scared. Thanks a lot.

Ahem.

Well, first we will discuss the appearence of Spoff. He's big. Really, really, really, really, really big. Yes. He's made out of the dreams of small children. Also some species of octopus. He always wears his trusty hat, Gordon. Most of his things are called Gordon. Its a great name. Got a problem? Lets take it outside. Or don't. Please don't.

He lives in his underwater palace, 2000 feet above sea level. He is always accompanied by his three half-cousins twice removed. They are called Sock, Morpog and Qryal. The reason they're not called Gordon is because they're not his things. That would be slavery. Racist.

However, he does have a slave called Gordon. Hes pretty cool, we play poker on Sundays with some of the other gods servants. Well, back onto his cousins. I can't be bothered with all the half-cousin twice removed stuff. Waste of time. Sock is a short, fat old cheese gremlin. He only ever wears vests. He's allergic to socks. They make his face go all swollen. Morpog is the king of boars, but Spoff doesn't believe in boars not called Gordon so he mostly ignores him. Qryal is the oracleof hard to pronounce things. He just looks like a crabby old man with dentures. Recently, Feht, the princess of theives stole his dentures, so now his hard-to pronounce words are even HARDER to understand. Try arguing with him, you cant tell if you agree or disagree with him.

Now onto the history of Spoff. In the beginning, there was only Spoff. And the universe. He was wondering where that'd come from, when a turtle on roller skates hit him in the head, and he fell onto Mars. But it didn't need any powerful dieties just then, so it dumped him on earth. Spoff cursed Mars by making its face all big and red. Anyway, he landed on earth, but since he landed with meteoric speed, he smashed into it with great force, killing all the dinosaurs instantly. Then, using Gordon (It's hard to comprehend, but you'll get used to it), his Cheesecake of Life, he created man. Then, after years of sexual frustration, they made him create woman.

Then, out of the murky depths of the Toilet of Injustice, the nonemighty (opposite of almighty) demon, Kirrel rose, covered in... waste. He was bored of flicking through the [HIGHLY ENTERTAINING] videos on Youtube, so he made war with Spoff. Spoff destroyed him instantly before he could do anything evil, which goes to show he is much smarter than normal gods. So this small section was pointless. However, there is a group of people called the People who are trying to ressurect Kirrel. And failing. Anyway...

Now onto the rituals of the Spoff. The name for worshippers of Spoff are called Spoff. Deal with it. Basically, they have a ceremony that starts as soon as they wake up. It involves waving incense sticks around and saying deep, mystical things. It lasts fourteen hours. And no, you can't stop to eat, drink, defecate or sleep. Then at 11:37 P.M, they have to wake up, scream "Melon gravy and hamsters!" 4.71 times. If they dont, Spoff might, JUST MIGHT, smash you into 0.5 pieces. (I don't know.) Also, every hour on the dot, you have to eat a burning squirrel. This causes problems, as he also smashes you into 0.5 pieces if you don't do it just once, but you aren't allowed to eat during the fourteen hour ceremony. So, you have to find out how to do both. I know how. Send £59.91 my way and i'll send you some Chinese cooking videos.