User talk:Christineols/sandbox

Kevin's peer review
Lead Section

Lead does a good job highlighting the importance of the article "Tsukuba Science City". Some revisions I would recommend are as follows:

1. "The development of the science park is what sets Tsukuba apart from other town developments [1]. The large scale and fast pace of its development into a place with high quality of scientific innovation is was sets Tsukuba apart [2]." These two sentences are a little redundant, I would try to combine these two sentences like: "What sets Tsukuba apart from other town develops in Japan is the development of a science park with high quality scientific innovation.

2. Combine the first two sentences "Tsukuba Science City is a center for research and education in the city of Tsukuba. Its geographic location is northeast of Tokyo." into "Tsukuba Science City is a center for research and education in the city of Tsukuba located northeast of Tokyo".

3. Revise the 3rd sentence to: "The idea of constructing the science city was by the late Ichiro Kono..."

History Section

The history section is well written and has clear structure. I can easily follow through the history of the Tsukuba Science City in a clear chronological structure. The language is impartial and remains neutral as it only reports the facts. Only recommendation I would give for this section are some revisions in grammar.

Recommendations:

1. "In September 1963 the national government" should add a comma to make "In September 1963, the national government"

2. Replace "for" with "behind" : "Reasons for this decision" -> "Reasons behind this decision"

3. "and there was a need to catch up with the West in terms of scientific knowledge" eliminate passive voice to make less choppy, I recommend: "and a need to catch up with the West in terms of scientific knowledge...".

4. Replace "found" with "prevalent" "This fresh approach was found in the United States" -> "This fresh approach was prevalent in the United States..."

5. "This fresh approach was found in the United States and the Ministry of Education" change and conjunction with therefore and add "Japan's" before Ministry of Education to clear up confusion. I recommend: "This fresh approach was prevalent in the United States; therefore, Japan's Ministry of Education..."

6. Add resultative compound "After" to this sentence "A new university structure was introduced; the power of teachers decreased and the power of administrative management increased."" -> "After a new university structure was introduced, the power of teachers decreased and the power of administrative management increased."

7. "Furthermore, there would be better research facilities. Also, the research department would be separated from the educational departments. Lastly, a board for general policies and regulations was to be implemented" Language is a little choppy, would try to combine into one sentence like "Furthermore, the new structure led to better research facilities, a separate independent research department and the implementation of a board for general policies and regulations.

8. Replace "bought up" with "purchased": "The parcels of land with the most suitable price were bought up[purchased]"

Tsukuba Expo 1985 Section

I like this section but think it could be built upon a little further, has a lot of potential. I would also try to combine some of the sentences in this section that you have already written, especially the first and second sentence. I would also try to refrain from using passive voice "The reasons behind the expo where..."

Leo Esaki Section

Overall, I think that this is an important section to include, as he is one of the founders of Tsukuba Science City. However I would also see if you could also find some history on the other two founders and if they also played a role with the city's development

Recommendations:

1. "Leo Esaki is a Nobel prize winner and before becoming president of the University of Tsukuba he worked at IBM", structure is a little off would recommend changing to "Leo Esaki is a Nobel prize winner and worked at IBM prior to becoming president of the University of Tsukuba"

2. Revise this sentence's structure as well: "Due to his history in the corporate world he was able to create a climate were companies and graduate students could work together closely" -> "Due to his history in the corporate world, he was able to create a climate where companies and graduate students could work together closely"

3. Eliminate "His approach was not entirely new", it seems awkwardly placed in the paragraph

Criticism Section

I think that is a good section to include in your article, it is always important to address both the proponents and opponents of a topic to obtain a neutral overview.

Recommendations:

1. Replace "livable" with "habitable": "The first criticism on the city was that it was not livable[habitable]."

2. Replace "Till" with "Until": "[Until]Till that time only farmers had lived there and they would process their own garbage into mulch."

3. Replace "Till" with "Until": "[until]till a garbage service"

4. Make this a new sentence "(in the nineties Tsukuba had the most innovative garbage system of Japan " -> "It is important to note that in the nineties..."

5. Edit this sentence "Another criticism is that according to critics of the national government Tsukuba Science City has been a waste of taxpayer’s money. They also think that Tsukuba is an example of government control of academic and research organization. Social critics feel that Tsukuba’s social organization of science is not right, it is lacking traditional Japanese culture [2]." -> "Another criticism levied by national government critics is that Tsukuba Science City is a waste of taxpayer's money. They also believe that Tsukuba is an example of government control of academic and research organization. In addition, social critics feel that Tsukuba's social organization is unfavorable as it lacks traditional Japanese culture"