User talk:Clarob16/Palm oil production in Indonesia

Location of your section?
Hi Clarob16, please remind us of the location on the Wikipedia article "Palm oil production in Indonesia" you will add the section on Health Impact. There's one subsection titled "Mental health impacts and health rights violations."I think you might to use it as a place to insert your contribution.Hieup (talk) 13:50, 21 March 2022 (UTC)hieup

The length of your added contents
I'm not sure if you have sources for all of the current contents you're including in this page. Keep in mind that the general rule is one source per 1-3 sentences. Also, consider the overall structure of the Wikipedia article you're editing, I think the section on "health impact" should be more than 150 words per paragraph. Hieup (talk) 14:06, 21 March 2022 (UTC)hieup

Editing plan
I need to add sources, create a lead section, possibly add information about occupational health, and then maybe pair down on statistics and add more about health outcomes. Clarob16 (talk) 18:33, 21 March 2022 (UTC)Clarob16

First Draft Feedback
You're making a great progress here. Please see below my suggestions.

Section "Air pollution"
Varkkey, Helena. The haze problem in Southeast Asia: Palm oil and patronage. Routledge, 2015. Varkkey, Helena. "Patronage politics as a driver of economic regionalisation: The I ndonesian oil palm sector and transboundary haze." Asia Pacific Viewpoint 53, no. 3 (2012): 314-329.
 * Cite the statistic from source #1 in the first sentence. Otherwise, remove source 1. Do not use source 1 more than once in this draft.
 * The point about peatland is good. Try to put all information in 1 sentence, then cite source 3.
 * Use the following source to write one good sentence about the Southeast Asian haze. They come from the same author. You can read the second source (which is an article) and the intro of the first source only.

Section on health impacts:
Keep in mind that every sentence should be directly about palm oil in Indonesia. Refrain from writing about the science of the problem; the reader can read about such information in the science articles if you can incorporate keywords with hyperlinks. For instance, the first two sentence of this section can be removed.
 * Remove “an area of Indonesia” in the Sentence “In Sumatra…” Readers of this Wikipedia page should have some basic information about Indonesia. Create a Wikipedia hyperlink for Sumatra instead.


 * Sources are needed for this information: “Sumatra experiences a lot of fires from palm oil production.”


 * Remove those sentences about “Nitrogen Oxides (NOX) and Carbon monoxides (CO)” because you can create Wikipedia hyperlinks, and because they are generic scientific information. Instead, dive deeper in your source and capture information specific about Indonesia.


 * The sentence with citation #5 needs clarification: Is it about Indonesia? If so, how?


 * The last two sentences with citation #6 look good but need to be more specific. What company? Since you are citing Human Rights Documents, you want to identify the specific case, and check if they are mentioned in any academic research.

Other notes
Add Wikipedia hyperlinks to items such as particulate matter Typo: vSome Please remind me in class about how to fix one of your citations.

Hieup (talk) 14:26, 23 March 2022 (UTC)Hieup

Full draft feedback
Congratulation for your accomplishment of a Wikipedia contribution. I understand that you've moved your article live. That said, please do respond to your peer review and check the following suggestions: Please reply YES to acknowledge that you read this message. Thanks. Hieup (talk) 11:17, 15 April 2022 (UTC)hieup
 * Check the typo in the second sentence: "are know as"
 * Revision: "The carbon-rich soil of the peatlands make them very flammable and when they burn they release a large amount of CO2 along with black carbon, an extremely dangerous type of particulate matter." ==> The carbon-rich soil of the peatlands make them very flammable. When peatlands are burned, they release ..."
 * Revision: "Nitrogen Oxides (NOX) and Carbon monoxides (CO), chemicals that pose major health risks are also released during peatland fires." ==> Chemicals posing major health risks like Nitrogen Oxides (NOX) and Carbon monoxides (CO) are also released during peatland fires.
 * Revision: "There are also health risks involved for those working in the palm oil industry, a study found that Indonesian palm oil workers were at an increased risk of developing musculoskeletal disorders, Infectious diseases such as malaria and worm infections due to extensive outdoor labor, stress and mental disorders, and pesticide and herbicide exposure." ==> "Studies have also suggested that Indonesian palm oil workers are at an increased risk of developing musculoskeletal disorders and infectious diseases like malaria and worm infections due to extensive outdoor labor, stress and mental disorders, and pesticide and herbicide exposure."


 * YES Clarob16 (talk) 19:10, 24 April 2022 (UTC)