User talk:Cleotheslp/sandbox

Hey Cleo,

Your section reads and sounds pretty professional. It's organized well and you have a lot of good citations. Most of my comments are just regarding some rephrasing in order to improve the flow a little bit but your content is generally good. I've put my suggestions below, like I said, it's mostly to do with flow, though towards the end there's a few places that need a bit more citation. Also, concerning surgery, a little more info on the surgical procedure would be good as it's quite to the point (haha, get it?).

Some suggestions

1) I would merge the sentence below for readability, also, it's good to just say what the mechanical stresses are without breaking it into another sentence.

Vocal fold nodules are thought to be the result of vocal fold tissue trauma caused by excessive mechanical stress. This may be the result of repeated or chronic vocal overuse, abuse, or misuse.

2) For the sentence below, maybe say amplification devices such as microphones, speakerphones

Additionally, using amplification is recommended for individuals who speak to large, and even small groups or in the presence of background noise.

3) I'd change 'Avoiding' to 'The avoidance of', else, it sounds weird having two gerunds in a row.

Avoiding damaging vocal behaviours may prevent the formation of nodules.

4) I'd break this into two sentences, right after mucosa.

Staying hydrated decreases the pressure that the vocal folds exert on one another by ensuring sufficient lubrication by mucosa, increasing the efficiency of vocal fold oscillation during speech, and promoting a healthy voice quality

5) I'd be hesitant to say 'harmful' as some people may be taking medications which are necessary. Also, alcohol is good for you.

Reducing exposure to these harmful substances has been shown to reduce one's risk of nodules

6) I'd put in a citation here.

Removal of vocal fold nodules is a relatively safe and minor surgery.

7) This sounds brief, maybe elaborate more on the surgical procedure?

While the patient is subdued under general anesthesia, long thin scissors and scalpels or CO2 surgical lasers might be used to remove the nodules.

8) Some vocabulary to change:

whitish -> white

Bennytheslp (talk) 18:25, 26 October 2016 (UTC)

Thanks for the feedback ! Those are excellent suggestions which I will definitely incorporate as I continue to work on the draft and move it into mainspace! Cleotheslp (talk) 19:41, 6 November 2016 (UTC)