User talk:Conradsay/Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center

MH final comments
This article has certainly improved! It still needs some more work, though, before you submit it as your final project (due May 8).

1. Be very, very careful about how you use your sources in order to avoid plagiarism (see the guidance here). The History section, for instance, has one sentence copied from the Bayview history page; unless you put this in quotation marks or rephrase it, it's plagiarism. Even if you do rephrase it, you'll need to keep the citation, because the structure (saying that it's the oldest, then mentioning the almshouse) is still clearly drawn from the source. Plagiarism is a serious issue, and one that will be relevant to all your future academic work, so it's worth taking the time now to make sure you fully understand the problem and how to avoid it. Review the guidance on plagiarism carefully, make the appropriate changes, and let me know if you have any questions.

2. The lead could use tightened: look back at the reference material for what makes a good lead, and make sure the lead has all the relevant information, but doesn't repeat itself. Making a good "first impression" is something to keep in mind for your future academic work as well - it's almost always a good idea to spend time on the introduction, as it'll shape how your reader approaches the rest of your work.

3. Make sure you're maintaining a neutral tone throughout. You may find it helpful to embrace the principle of "show, don't tell" - don't tell your reader that Hopkins supports "access to equitable healthcare", just give your reader examples of Hopkins' programs, and they can conclude for themselves that Hopkins supports equitable healthcare. Wherever you catch yourself saying something that could be "selling" Hopkins, make sure you're backing it up with facts, either in the text or through a citation that lists these facts (preferably a non-Hopkins one).

4. Some of the tendency towards promotional language in this article may come from the fact that a lot of your sources are from Hopkins Medicine. I understand that this can be difficult to avoid, but try to find second, corroborating sources wherever possible, as you've done in some places with newspaper articles. Try re-reading the article with your skeptical cap on - what would someone who really opposed Hopkins have to say about each of these claims? What facts would you use to rebut their criticisms? Once you've come up with these facts, use them to replace the original claim.

5. This is a relatively small thing, but it's a little confusing to have both awards given to Bayview and awards given by Bayview in the Awards section. Either clarify this, or consider cutting the McCarthy Award section, as I'm not sure what it adds to our understanding of Bayview as an institution (which is, after all, the point of the article).

I'm glad to see your additions to this article, as they've helped build it out more. The source-based issues (tone and correct attribution) still need fixing, but with some work, you'll be on track to complete a solid project. — Preceding unsigned comment added by M.hin.ck (talk • contribs) 16:31, 28 April 2020 (UTC)

MH comments
In general, this article could use substantially more revision. As noted in your peer reviews, it would benefit from the addition of a section on community relations. It could also use more detail establishing the ongoing connection between Bayview and the Miller-Coulson scholars - yes, the program is based there, but how does knowing about the Miller-Coulson scholars help the reader understand the Bayview center? Without more context, and occupying as much of the article as it does, this segment runs the risk of making this article about the program, not about Bayview.

On this note, I would recommend setting the existing article aside for a moment and drawing up a list of the sections you think an article about an institution should have. Feel free to look at other articles for a model. For example, almost any article will have a 'History' section. Other potential headings could include 'Activities', 'Awards', 'Notable People', 'Academic Programs', 'Controversies'.... and so on. Again, think about the point of the article: to inform Wikipedia readers about the Bayview center. What would be useful for them to know? Pick two or three more possible sections - these needn't be more than a paragraph or so each - that you think would help add to our understanding of Bayview and add them to the draft.

Please get in touch if you have any questions, or if you'd like me to look at drafts of any new sections.