User talk:Crazygirl30

warning: this is a very personal message. if you realize this is not for you please stop reading it. it is the last desperate attempt for me to reach out.

I know this is a very non private way to do things but i have no other option. I never got to say anything, you were just gone... and it seems gone forever. Its not over for me, everyday I struggle with what you left me. I cant get over you just being gone. I cant figure out how to make it make sense. Everything we had, everything we could have had... gone. I figured by now... all this time has passed, maybe I could be ok. But I'm not. I'm not ok. I look back through my journal and I see the conversations we have had. I dont want to feel better. I dont want to let go. I dont care what people say about you. I dont care that they think you messed up big time and dont even deserve a moment of my time. That isn't how I see it. I keep holding on because I'm afraid if I let go I will lose everything. They tell me time will heal my broken heart, but they are wrong. It gets more real everyday. I cant stand it. I am broken. I have never been so messed up before. I thought my heart had been broken I thought I just couldnt live without whoever but its not the same. This is bad. This is everyday. I am living a fake life making fake bonds. that is what my friend told me today. she is totally right. that isnt fair to the people in my life. I dont know if you come and read the things i leave for you. the little secret messages. but i really want you to know how i feel. i hope your life is good. i have never wished bad on you. i have tried to be mad and hate you but i cant do that either. i love you today as much as i did back then. there have been a few times when i thought i was over you. but a few days later i just knew i wasnt. rarely are there days i dont think about you. something makes me remember. i really miss you, i miss the friendship we had above everything else. i miss the connection. i dont have that with anyone else. some tell me you will come back, my standard response is no he wont. hes gone i have to accept that someday. i know you arent coming back i guess they tell me that to shut me up or make me feel better. i dont know... i dont know how you even feel now, you are probably over it. after all you were the one that left. love forever