User talk:Crhogue3/sandbox


 * Thank you Ian for the suggestions and to take the time to look at our page. We will make the changes and by Wednesday, it will be looking good and ready to go live! Thank you again and we hope that you liked our page! We also would like to thank Group 15 for your feedback! It was really helpful and helped us shape our page as well! Finally, we would like to give a huge thank you to Shawna for the changes that she made to our page as well. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Edonharl (talk • contribs) 02:24, 5 November 2016 (UTC)


 * Group 15! You guys did a great job on this Wikipedia project on Evelina Antonetty! I thought the page looked very professional and put together. My favorite part was Evelina's box with her picture and background.

Suggestions:

1. Make sure "Bronx" is highlighted blue and linked to a page about her home town.

2. Give examples of how she has changed parents and children's lives in the Bronx (stories from other perspectives).

3. Explain how "United Bronx Parents" has expanded after Evelina's Legacy.

4. Maybe consider making a Legacy tab.

These are just suggestions to make Evelina's Wikipedia page stronger! Overall great job! Czimm44 (talk) 23:40, 13 October 2016 (UTC)

Hello group 15! Your page looks really good and you have some good background information. I also really liked the photo you added.

Suggestions:

1. Some of your sentences in the intro are a little bias like the one that say "Evelina was a large reason why students today have bilingual education in schools across America" or the one after that that says she impacted a lot of people in the school system. Both of these seem a little bias to me and you might think about rephrasing them.

2. You had a lot of good background information but I think it would be good to expand more on the career section. You talk about what she did then abruptly end by saying after she married her second husband she was a stay at home mom. It feels like there is a chunk of time and information missing in her career.

Over all your pages is coming a long really well keep up the good work! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Olivia Martin (talk • contribs) 18:00, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

Great job on your wiki page Group 15!
The whole thing looks great and gives a ton of information on Evelina Lopez Antonetty and what she did. A couple things I agree that some sentences don't sound neutral so reread everything to make sure that is doesn't sound like that. Also combining sentences that are very short that kind of repeat in the next sentence, "This program helped children in every way that it could. It helped with bilingual classes, school lunches and increased community involvement with much more." These two sentences could be combined to make it not sound repetitive. One last thing would probably be to add statistics on how many children/parents were in her program to give the reader something to go off of and how many people she actually help. Overall, everything looks great and keep up the good work! Kgoren (talk) 19:10, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

Feedback
Nice work on your draft. I did some copyediting and made some edits in keeping with the Wikipedia style manual. It could still do with a improvement to the wording - a lot of it could be more succinct. It would also be nice if you had any more details on the legislation that led to the creation of bilingual schools in South Bronx. If there's a Wikipedia article about that, you should link to it. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:38, 28 October 2016 (UTC)