User talk:Dawniniceland

Your Guild of Copy Editors request
Thanks for your copyedit request; we'll get to it as soon as possible. Next time you make a request, please follow the instructions exactly and (most important) preview before saving (I've fixed it). After five years of active editing, that "Show preview" button continues to save me untold embarrassment :-). Have fun and all the best,  Mini  apolis  20:29, 8 December 2015 (UTC)

Pardon me, but what did I do? I cannot remember what could have possibly been embarrassing. :) Dawniniceland (talk) 20:44, 8 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland


 * Dawn, just look at the Revision history of the article (click on the tab that says "View history" at the top of the page). Then look for your edit at 18:59 8 December 2015 and click on that time and date. Then look at the top. You'll see, in small letters, "Previous revision", "Latest revision", "Newest revision". Just to the right of "Newest revision", click on "Diff". Then you will see what you put and how Miniapolis fixed it. (There may be an easier way to get to it than that, but I don't know it.) To save you time, here is the direct link to that diff: . It looks like you forgot to put your own title, which becomes a heading on the Requests page, there, and something else from the instructions ended up there, too.


 * I am going to copy-edit An Ember in the Ashes, and I will no doubt have some question for you, but I am going to begin a new section for that below this one. Corinne (talk) 01:01, 10 December 2015 (UTC)

An Ember in the Ashes
Hello, Dawn -- As I mentioned in the section above this one, I said I would be copy-editing An Ember in the Ashes. I've skimmed the article. Even before I start making any edits, I want to ask you about something:

1) I notice that a lot of the nouns are capitalized (Scholar, Resistance, Military, Trials). Though nouns are not normally capitalized in English, I presume the reason is because all of these except Trials are specific groups or classes of people in the story, and Trials is an important activity or event. In your introduction of Laia, you start, "A Scholar by race". However, nowhere do you explain what the Scholars are. The only other mention of the word is in the first sentence in the section An Ember in the Ashes:


 * In the realm of Empire, Laia learns that her brother is working for the Resistance, a group of Scholars hell-bent to overthrow the ruling Military.

That still doesn't explain who, or what, the Scholars are.

'''Scholars are the educators and teachers in the Empire. The Marshals are a race of tyrannical militants. The militants are called "Masks". Elias is a Mask. The Tribal is a race of wanderers. The Resistance is a group of rebellious Scholars who want to overthrow the rule of the Military.''' Dawniniceland (talk) 06:30, 10 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland

I'm wondering if it would help readers of your article to follow the plot better if you had a short section in which you briefly explained what the different groups are, or even the groups and any other unusual terms (such as Trials). Just give this some thought while I read the article now. – Corinne (talk) 01:22, 10 December 2015 (UTC)

That's a great suggestion! Dawniniceland (talk) 06:30, 10 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland

2) When you introduce Elias, you say he was "raised by a tribal". However, you don't explain what a "tribal" is. Also, why is that word in lowercase (not capitalized) as all the other words (like "Scholar") are? Finally, I don't know if you realize this, but "tribal" is an adjective. It is usually used to modify, or describe, a noun: tribal music, tribal dance, tribal elders, a tribal custom, etc. It is unusual (but not impossible) to use an adjective as a noun: "a tribal". It would be like saying, "He is an unusual" or "It is a global". Are they really called "tribals"? Or could you say "a member of X tribe" or "a tribal member" (but then the reader will wonder "What tribe?" unless you explain it). Corinne (talk) 01:45, 10 December 2015 (UTC)

'''Elias was raised by a Tribal woman. The Tribal itself is a race in the world of Empire.''' Dawniniceland (talk) 06:30, 10 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland

3) In your introduction of Elias, you go on to say,


 * Even as a militant, Elias has despised the assault of non-military races at the hands of the Masks.

(a) You haven't yet said that Elias is a militant. You really ought to say that he is a militant before you give additional information, "Even as a militant..."

'''Yes. I need to delete the "even".''' Dawniniceland (talk) 06:30, 10 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland

(b) And you ought to say who, or what, the militants are.

Okay. Dawniniceland (talk) 06:30, 10 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland

(c) Finally, I see "militant" is in lowercase here, as is it elsewhere. However, I see "Military" sometimes capitalized and sometimes in lowercase throughout the article. If you want to, you can capitalize "Military" when referring to the group, but put it in lowercase if you are referring to military things and places. If you capitalize "Military" when referring to the group, then when you refer to a member of that group as "a Militant", it probably should be capitalized. Of course, I guess what is in the book itself is important, too. If it's capitalized in the book, it should be capitalized here. If it's lowercase in the book, it should be lowercase here.

The elite members of the Military race are called the "Masks". Dawniniceland (talk) 06:30, 10 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland

I'm not going to start changing things (so they make more sense in my mind) until I hear your answers to the questions and issues I've mentioned above. Corinne (talk) 01:55, 10 December 2015 (UTC)

'''Thank you so much for the excellent and insightful suggestions. I agree with all of them. Feel free to ask me on the subject of the book if you need any clarification. I've revised the article. Please edit from your end. :)''' Dawniniceland (talk) 06:30, 10 December 2015 (UTC)Dawniniceland


 * You're welcome. I'll look at it in a little while. Just a suggestion: you don't have to use bold in your replies. (It's a little overwhelming to have to read a lot of bold-face type.) Normally, you just indent one more space from the left margin than the previous comment was indented. Use one or more colons, that is, one more than the previous comment used (which you can see in Edit mode), to indent. Some editors also like to start their comment with a bullet (use an asterisk) in addition to indenting. A few editors like to put their replies in a different color such as green or orange. You can get green by enclosing your replies in the "tq" template: Type your text here. so it will look like this. But most editors just indent. Corinne (talk) 17:19, 10 December 2015 (UTC)