User talk:Dfmckeown/sandbox

Kyle's Review
The main critique I have is the usage of "we" in the "Information Obtained from Stellar Kinematics section". I think the tone should be changed in this section to match the style of a Wikipedia Article. The usage of "we" makes the article sound like a scientific paper where you are talking about the research you yourself conducted as opposed to writing with an encylopedic tone. Additionally, I think it might be a good idea to use subsections in that section of the article. i.e. Instead of writing,
 * Galactic Rotation of the Milky Way using trigonometric arguments,

I think it would look better if you used subsections or even sub-subsections that would be titled like:

Galactic Rotation of the Milky Way
(Insert Paragraph)

Also, I updated the title of your "Recent Advancements due to GAIA", as there was a slight typo. Overall, I think you are doing a good job with adding in key concepts to this article in the "Information Obtained" section, so just try and revise the tone a bit, and also I would consider possibly renaming that section title. I think it can be more concise with a title like "Key Concepts" or something similar.

Tae's review
Here are a few observations and critiques.

1.) Try to follow the standard format of capitalizing the first word in a section title. 2.) I suggest rewording the following sentence:"Stellar kinematics can yield important astrophysical information about stars, and the galaxy in which they resides, when kinematical data is combined with astrophysical models."

This sentence is awkwardly worded. Here's a suggestion for improvement. The act of combining kinematical data with astrophysical models enables the acquisition of important astrophysical information, such as ___(fill in the blank), for both stars and the galaxy in which they reside.

3.) I would suggest linking the first mention of "velocity dispersion", "globular clusters", "satellite galaxies"

4.) You could use Sparke & Gallagher to cite the information in the mass segregation section. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Sentientstarstuff (talk • contribs) 22:21, 7 June 2018 (UTC)