User talk:EdogawaConan2/sandbox

Feedback on Project Proposal
You've got a good list of sources here and there are plenty of improvements that can be made to this article. Feel free to narrow the scope as you work through the sources you've gathered. In other words, you may want to focus on improving just one section of the article, or you may find that there is a section you want to add. You could also use the documentary you presented on as a source, if appropriate. One section I could imagine adding to this article (and which seems to pique your interests) is something like "Views Outside Japan," covering the knowledge, images, stereotypes, and/or misunderstandings of idols that circulate outside Japan (perhaps especially in the West). Ctextor at uofu (talk) 22:24, 26 February 2018 (UTC)

Misha Griego Review
Peer Review Misha: I noticed that you used Tarento in your paragraphs and looking at the article I think it would be nice to use it with the japanese next to it in parenthesis. Like Tarento (タレント). While this is not necessary, I feel that it might add a bit more to the article's feel.

THIS SECTION'S ADVISED CHANGES

This section is difficult to write about without including some background on the image presented by the idols themselves.

'Is this sentence necessary? Perhaps talk about the main point.'

Understanding an idol's image is important to this section due to the fact that....

The image of what an idol affects every aspect of their career, some of which will be noted below. The image of an individual idol is (crafted by their company??? ) based upon fluctuations in the market and is crafted to generate as much revenue as possible, and their image is what is presented to fans. and then presented to the public.

'''Sentence one: I don't know if it is necessary to say what you will be saying. Might be best to just state your information instead.'''

'''Sentence two: who crafts the idol's image? Do they have fans before their image is crafted?'''

The idols contracting office or jimusho are the ones responsible for crafting the idol's image this image and marketing the idol.

Perhaps use this sentence before the last sentence, so you can state that the jimusho are crafting the idol's image based upon the fluctuations in the market, etc.

The proliferation of idols in Japanese media today reveals how tightly tied media such as television and idols are to the economy in Japan. These two topics are difficult to separate so there will be aspects of both throughout this section. Idols are used to advertise products much like other celebrities are around the world.

'''Sentence one: This sentence sounds odd to me and I am not sure why. Perhaps I am going crazy but it might be good to look over it again.'''

'''Sentence two: This three sentences feel a little choppy. Perhaps find a smooth way to transition them.'''

Idols are a key part of advertising in Japan with 50-70% of commercials featuring an idol. The commercials themselves are promoting a product, but they are also being used to promote the idol. The commercials themselves are not only promoting a product, but also the idol. Pitches for commercials are often made with a specific idol in mind, one that matches with the image of the company, and the product being advertised.

'''Sentence two: Needs a little bit of rewording. I gave an optional suggestion.'''

Idols are signed to contracts sign contracts with strict agreements not to do things that could damage  to not damage the image of the company, or to work for a competitor. They are even prohibited from appearing in television dramas sponsored by the competition and will often be required to appear in dramas sponsored by their contract company.

Added some suggestions.

However, they do not endorse products as with some like other countries, they simply lend their image to the product being advertised. These advertisements serve to promote both the idol and the product by keeping both at the forefront of consumers’ minds. These contracts are for a brand with cross-platform advertising, meaning that idols are involved in more than television commercials for a product. Magazine ads, online videos, and appearances in dramas, and other advertising all constitute part of this agreement.

Added some suggestions

Idols have also shaped the development of television programs in Japan. Beginning in the 1980’s there was a shift in Japanese television production. Companies would compete to secure contracts for dramas which lead to the current four-season system of television in Japan. Variety, talk, and music shows also became popular, in part for featuring idols as guests or the stars of the show. Idols also began providing the image music for commercials. These different forms of media served to promote and further strengthen the ties between idols, advertising, and media.

Looks good to me!

CT Feedback
I concur with your classmates that the main focus for your revisions should be copyediting. As I said before, occasionally there are tone issues that you might want to work on. That being said, sometimes it's not clear to me if the text you have here is meant to go in the actual article or is just there for you as an organizational reference. For example: "These two topics are difficult to separate so there will be aspects of both throughout this section." This kind of signposting sentence might belong in a paper that is making an argument, but it sounds a bit awkward in an encyclopedia article, which shouldn't have to justify its own organization. But maybe you never intended to add this sentence to the actual article. Another example like this: "The density of Japan’s consumer web is incredible, but idols are very near the center, and to attempt to synthesize this into a single Wikipedia section would be incredibly difficult so the focus will be on Media and Economic Influence in the section below." "Incredible" is the kind of word that raises flags in Wikipedia content, since that's hard to establish as fact. But the main problem is that the sentence is self-referential. Another: "This section is difficult to write about without including some background on the image presented by the idols themselves." Make sure these kinds of sentences are edited out of the live final draft, or changed so they conform to the tone of an encyclopedia.

Some content notes:

In the "What is an idol?" section, it's fine to state that it's difficult to define, but I think it would be helpful if you offered a basic definition from one of your sources. Right now the main impression you create is that an idol is different from a tarento, but say little about what an idol is. How would you explain what an idol is to a friend who knows nothing about Japan?

In the "Influence" section, you might consider pointing to the spread of idol culture into other areas of Asia.

Do you have a citation for this: "Idols are a key part of advertising in Japan with 50-70% of commercials featuring an idol." I ask because it's very specific. Remember that if a whole paragraph of information is coming from one source, it can be helpful to cite the source several times throughout the paragraph. Ctextor at uofu (talk) 14:41, 10 April 2018 (UTC)