User talk:Erikay677/sandbox

Dallas Nguyen Peer Review
Thanks for this cool article to read over! When I edit, I usually skip the positive feedback and get right to the heart of where improvements can be found, so please don't feel discouraged if you don't see positive remarks!

General Article
In considering article balance, you may want to take a look at the “Prayer and vigil on the eve of the rally” section. It’s much smaller than all of the sections, and while it sort of fits chronologically in the article’s structure, its squished between the massively important sections ‘planning’ of the movemen tand the ‘participation’ ofthe movements, deemphasizing the victims’ feelings and importance. I am sure there are many sources that can touch on the aftermath of the shooting related to the movement. Consider moving this to the latter part of the article and contributing more information to it.

Sandbox Edits
Here, I pasted sentences from your sandbox I thought could be tweaked with a bullet following it with my suggestion.

We are adding on additional information about the social media movement in the #MarchForOurLives, including specifics about the social medias, including Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook Originally, protest happened for multiple shootings across the nation, such as for the Charleston Shooting, but never reached past hundreds.
 * Will you be making this a new heading? Or, will it fall under an existing section, like “media” under “Responses”. When you eventually edit the article directly, this is something that can be considered.
 * Protests need to be plural, but with Hannah’s edit, this can be circumvented
 * Reached past hundreds sounds ambiguous even if I can understand what you mean. What kind of hundreds? People? Protests? Is there a source for how they tracked that?

By National Walkout Day on April 20, 2018, the social medias had followings over 1.3 million people and in Washington D.C. alone, 200,000 people attended the March For Our Lives protest, whom many younger adults attributed to the big social media presence. ‘Had followings of…” The March For Our Lives Twitter started in February of 2018, with the Twitter handle, @AMarch4OurLives.
 * Get rid of alone in Washington D.C. alone - biased wording
 * I would eliminate the last clause starting with “whom…” The wording is a bit awkward and is implied when you said that the social media presence in D.C. is large.(2)
 * No need for comma before ‘with’

Up to date, the Twitter account has 450,000 followers and are a student-run organization with a large social media presence. (3)
 * Replace up to date with a certain date from the source e.g. “As of October 2018”

Dallasnguyen (talk) —Preceding undated comment added 15:57, 19 March 2019 (UTC)

Hannah's peer review of this article
Hi there,

I really liked what you are thinking of adding. I also like how you are adding different sections depending on the social media platform which shows how different platforms are used for this movement. Both the Facebook and Snapchat sections are short yet informative. Use these sections as templates for the others. Some things I would edit: when stating things like "Up to date" make sure to say the year and month because someone might not update the page for a while after your edits. I have copy and pasted sections from your draft and have given my proper edits. I think that sometimes the wording is a bit difficult to follow so I have reworded some sections to make the article flow easier. I have bolded my rewording and grammatical edits.

Originally, after shootings occurred across the nation, a protest followed but participant count never reach past hundreds. With social media becoming more prevalent in political and activist discourse, information around mass shootings has spread faster and the message spreads to larger audiences.(1) By National Walkout Day on April 20, 2018, the social medias had followings over 1.3 million people and in Washington D.C. alone, 200,000 people attended the March For Our Lives protest, whom many younger adults attributed to the big social media presence. '''When you write "the social medias" are you talking about the organization's social media accounts? If so, specify this.'''
 * Also I would change originally to a more specific time frame.

Do not write Up to date, state in March of 2019Up to date, the Twitter account has 450,000 followers and are a student-run organization with a large social media presence. (3) The March For Our Lives Twitter has real time, up to date tweets about the movement. It includes tweets about the red flag bill being signed in from other March For Our Lives accounts based in different locations, such as NYC. (4) In addition, the March For Our Lives Twitter account also alerts their followers about the events that are happening, such as meetings at Town Halls or when certain protests are happening. (5) All of their posts follow certain guidelines and relevance, and they also continue to retweet their own tweets too.

March 11, 2019

Yihui:

Instagram

Celebrities and politicians have traditionally dominated policy discussion on social media. However, in March 2018, Selena Gomezshared the march's hashtag #MarchForOurLives with the message: "Protect kids, not guns! and this post had received 2 millions likes.[1] Lady Gaga also documented the march releasing a series of Instagram videos calling for action from politicians to enforce stricter gun laws.[2] The march has drawn support from Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande, and their pledging to join and perform at the march.[3]

'''When the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting occurred, students' voices became more influential on Instagram and Twitter than celebrities on gun control. ''' [4] One of the tools they used was the hashtags. Tophashtags such as #MarchForOurLives #NeverAgain, #GunControlNow, and #EnoughIsEnough are used to spread out the word and call on public’s attention. [5] Besides, students collaborate with BBH L.A to create first Instagram coloring book. BBH L.A. executive creative director Zach Hilder said “We wanted to give them tools to elevate their voices, create a way to unify their message and allow everyone to participate in the march. That’s the inspiration for Color For Our Lives.” '''Note: I would use more formal language. Avoid "Besides"'''

Isabel's Peer Review of this Article
I think you add a lot of depth to the March For Our Lives by incorporating each of the big social media platforms into the article. However, I think the edits would be better tied together if you added more to a general impact of social media on the movement section before you start going into each specific social media movement. I saw that you did briefly do that in the beginning when you talked about the total social media following count and the number of times the hashtag was used. I think it would be stronger if you also spoke more about impact of the social media on the general movement in that section too.

In the Instagram section, there is one sentence that sways into the realm of opinion. "#MarchforOurLives hashtag ignited much-needed America’s gun conversation, where people protesting against the epidemic of gun violence and the country needs to change.[7]" --> take out "much-needed"(opinion) and "the country needs to change"(opinion) — Preceding unsigned comment added by Ixz (talk • contribs) 06:26, 13 March 2019 (UTC)

Emily Peer Review
Erika: You do a really great job of citing your sources, you have a wide variety of biases that allow for a truly encyclopedic article. The contnet you have included really adds to the article- nice work! You add great information and numbers that really add to the gravitas of the article. The facts and figures in the introduction and in the Twitter portion are great additions to the article.

The only suggesions I have are minor grammatical changes. I ould suggest that you read through your draft for flow and grammar to increase clarity becuase it is sometimes hard to understand the point you are trying to make. Once example is the first sentence: "Originally, protest happened for multiple shootings across the nation, such as for the Charleston Shooting, but never reached past hundreds." - change protest -> protests - multiple -> record number - such as for -> such as - What never reached past hundreds? The protests? Were there only hundreds of protests or were there hundreds of people at these protests.

Yihui:

Great job in covering a wide array of topics and information within your article! The content was great the only concern I have for your article is tone and grammar which can easily be fixed in the following iterations of your draft :)

I love how you highlighted the popularity of the Selena Gomez tweet, I would make sure to include the proper grammatical citation when including tweets. When You only noted females as being involved in the protest, perhaps you should include a wider array of celebrities (in view, gender, the reason for their popularity, etc) outside of pop culture who were also influential in the march, such as politicians and other public figures. Please reread to fix minor grammatical and formatting errors (i.e. commas, extra/missing letters)

I would give Color for Our Lives its own section

What do you mean by “informal” and “formal” platforms? - sounds more fitting to an opinion piece

I would suggest stating the results of Quigley’s study and citing the research them rather than listing all of their names and results. It would make for a more cohesive read.

Sean: Nice facts and figures on the Facebook page!

I would suggest that the article take a more encyclopedic tone. Good notes on the Facebook. You use qualifiers such as "more" and "often" which is a much more conversational tone and not consistent with the rest of the article. If you are going to say "more" makes it sound argumentative rather than informative. Perhaps by backing up your statments with sources it would appear more informative.

Jeremy: I like that you have included snapchat in your analysis and its impact on the movement specifically! I would try to elaborate moreon how the snapchat feature was added, what the banner was, etc to add more content to your section.

02:05, 14 March 2019 (UTC)EmilyGess — Preceding unsigned comment added by Emilygess (talk • contribs)

Tory's Peer Review
Well done on formatting the social media aspect of this movement. It is very strong and really keeps a neutral viewpoint. I like how I feel like I'm reading a timeline or a series of events because it helps me understand what actually happened at the marches and what happened on social media. I love the content, I just think that sentence structure and grammar can be improved throughout all the edits because it will consolidate the information and clarify it. I'll post some examples below:

I suggest taking a sentence like this "Originally, protest happened for multiple shootings across the nation, such as for the Charleston Shooting, but never reached past hundreds." and potentially changing it to something like this: "In the past, school shootings prompted many protests, such as the Charleston Shooting (which happened in year XXXX) but previous protests never reached thousands of people like the March For Our Lives protest." Adding the year in there also gives a reference point for the reader. In general with the Twitter paragraphs I would keep playing with grammar and sentence structure because it can be clunky or unclear. Maybe change into subject/verb structure so "the social medias had followings over 1.3 million people" to "over 1.3 million people were following the march on different social media platforms."

Great job covering the key players in the movement on instagram. Can you add in a section maybe about people with opposing opinions who demonstrated them through instagram? Some of the sentences are long as well, so my only real suggestion is consolidating them down a little bit. Also, this sentence sounds argumentative "where people protesting against the epidemic of gun violence and the country needs to change." While it is true, maybe search for a better way to word it so that it doesn't sound like an opinion with words "epidemic" and "country needs to change." Unless this is someone's specific opinionated statement and if so, quote them.

The Facebook section is really clear and concise, I like it a lot. Maybe give an example of what was organized?

The snapchat section is also really clear and concise. It does a good job at saying Snapchat's function "to show" as opposed to the other social mediums which are more so "talking" about what is going on.

Torybigelow (talk) 18:26, 14 March 2019 (UTC)Torybigelow

Overall great first draft! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Torybigelow (talk • contribs) 18:23, 14 March 2019 (UTC)

BSII0IX's Peer Review
The first two sentences of your lead section are very good and summarize the most important information of your topic. The structure of your wikipedia page looks very good and has a good balance. You’re doing a good job at paying equal attention to all subtopics what makes it very neutral and allows the reader to build their own opinion without being pushed towards one direction. BSII0IX (talk) 16:58, 20 March 2019 (UTC)
 * I’d rephrase the third sentence because it sounds confusing and leaves too much room for interpretation and you just make assumptions by saying “The point of hashtag activism arguably to share certain issues with one's friends and followers in the hopes that they will also share the same information.” Why do they have to share the same information? Your sentence later on is way stronger: “hashtags have also been used to debate and make people aware of social and political issues.”
 * I’d also rephrase that it “leads to a discussion.” Your second half of this paragraph is way stronger and includes the information needed to describe the impact and goal of hashtag activism. If you want to keep it just put it at the end after you describes hashtag activism a bit more.