User talk:Filll/Disgusted

...even from an administrator
Filll, I assume that I'm the administrator you refer to on this page. If not, I still am willing to admit here that I sent you an extremely uncivil email, sometime earlier this year. I do not claim that the email was civil, or helpful, or a good idea. I do not claim that I was practicing what I tend to preach when I sent it - or the one preceding it, if memory serves.

What happened
What happened there is that I was extremely frustrated, and I finally reached a boiling point. I suppose everyone has a limit, which if they feel pushed beyond, will snap and display some kind of aggression. You, it would appear, have seen me pass that limit. Congratulations?

The cause of my frustration is that I fundamentally agree with you and care strongly about many aspects of NPOV, and I fundamentally disagree with you, and care strongly, about effective and appropriate modes of interaction in the wiki environment. I saw you, in your own frustration, undermining the very struggle about which we both care so much, by advocating for and exemplifying modes of interaction which I see as pathological, and liable to hurt the project considerably. (You might say the same about me - much is subjective in that last sentence.)

While in that state of mind, I saw you using the very abusive tactics that you had been complaining of others using: namely, making officious and litigious claims of incivility:. Having stored up an arsenal of negative feelings, and seeing you descend to such tactics, I became so disgusted at your hypocrisy that I apparently topped it with my own. How often, when we throw mud, do we end up covered in it ourselves? (What would GTBacchus know about that? He's always patient and civil.)

I posted this act of yours to your "CIVIL abuse hall of fame": and you  removed it:, as if ashamed of doing precisely that which you decry - and document - in others. Maybe you didn't see your statement as an example of "CIVIL abuse". Maybe you're proud of saying, "Do you know that making a spurious claim of a violation of WP:NPA is itself engaging in a violation of WP:AGF and is itself unCIVIL behavior? This approaches WP:DE and WP:TE. Retract your claim immediately or I will proceed. Have a nice day." Maybe you think that's how Wikipedia ought to work. I don't know.

In a way, it doesn't matter. The question of which precise straw broke the camel's back is not interesting in the long view. Whichever straw it was, you got a broken camel on your hands; what then?

My choice to give voice to my frustration and send you an angry email is not one that I'm proud of. Somewhere in my mind, I thought that it might actually have some good effect, because it has happened once or twice in the past that I really went off on someone, via email, and they suddenly became cooperative and easier to work with(!?). I was surprised the times it worked, and I'm not very surprised when it didn't have that effect on you, and I was simply left standing with shit in my britches.

I fucked up.

What now?
Wikipedia hasn't seen much of me for the last few months, largely due to my leaving a job, moving across the country, and starting a graduate program, but also partly due to my feeling extremely burned from my interactions with you and others, at Expert Withdrawl, and Civil POV-pushers, and elsewhere... even via email. Our conversation had essentially reached a point where it was time for me to put my money where my mouth was - and still is - and to demonstrate some effective dispute resolution skills in an appropriate venue.

As far as I can tell, the conversation still stands at that point, and I have no intention of leaving that challenge unanswered. It's too important. I've spent a lot of time considering the culture of Wikipedia, and dispute resolution in general. I'm mulling over my thoughts, and considering just what tools I'll need to apply the principles in which I strongly believe: namely that it's possible to be effective at maintaining NPOV in battleground articles while remaining essentially decent, professional, and - yes - civil. You'll believe this or not as you see fit; that's fine by me. I know where I am and what I'm doing.

If you believe that I'm a hypocrite, I won't try and stop you. I have never claimed to be perfect, or to always walk the same line that I talk. I'm human, and I often fail to live up to the sometimes high standards that I set for myself. I'm capable of becoming so frustrated that I let loose with a stream of vituperation, and you were on the receiving end of one.

In case anyone call this a weak or hedged apology, I'll point out that I'm not apologizing. I'm presenting my side of the story, and I'm not asking anyone to respect me for it. I'm not apologizing, because I remain disgusted with what I saw in you as a belief that some people shouldn't be afforded a full measure of respect and dignity.

(Hmmm... can I be disgusted with someone in dignity and respect? I don't think I can be disgusted with someone, unless I respect them. I don't hate dirt for being dirt, that's all I expect of it. As for dignity... if some shred of it could be salvaged after all that, at least I finally walked away, got distracted with life, and let the conversation die. Was shouting at you via email more dignified than doing it publicly? I dunno; I'm not claiming to be hypocrisy free, especially not when angry, and I'm still angry.)

I still intend to prove you wrong, and the part of me that wants to rub your face in it when that happens, I do not consider my best part. I hope to rise above my anger with you, but it hasn't happened yet. I imagine that happens when I finally internalize that I'm really angry with myself for failing to interact with you productively, after trying so hard. I'll probably have to forgive myself for that at some point.

Ultimately, whatever we think of each other won't change the fact that this project is a great undertaking, and that holding it to the highest standard of quality is infinitely more important than being right or wrong in this disagreement. I'm going to serve it my way; you're presumably going to serve it your way. May Wikipedia reap the best of both worlds, whatever that means. -GTBacchus(talk) 01:25, 3 September 2008 (UTC)