User talk:Grant.lindsaymarie/sandbox

-Great amount of information within each section. -Don't forget to combine your sources to eliminate repeats from the bibliography. -In regards to the english mythology section, it would be interesting to add ties between that and the school itself. Pherhaps common myths regarding the campus or student superstitions. -The last sentence before english mythology needs a comma after "well being." Also just double check the sentence phrasing and make sure it sounds a little more neutral rather than like an opinion. -The second-to-last sentence before the list of sports also needs a comma after "the school." -The last two sentences of the maiyapat paragraph could be connected with a semi colon instead of a period. -The writing style you used keeps the page easy to understand and very interesting; good flow. Sierrasummers (talk) 18:55, 25 October 2018 (UTC)

Draft feedback
Hi, Lindsay! You've made some really nice progress in this draft. I see some strong additions to the sports section in particular. I am curious about some of the material in your draft that slightly re-phrases information from the existing article--it's not clear whether this is material you've found from your other sources and haven't compared it to the existing article language yet or you wanted to change the existing language for other reasons. (example of this is the current opening sentence in the history section. In the current article, it reads, "St. Mary's was founded in 1927 by the Sisters of the Holy Family of Bordeaux." and in your draft it is, "St. Mary’s grammar school goes back to 1927 when it was founded.")

As you continue expanding this article, I'm curious what this school is known for--you mention the largest hurling game. Can you find a little more information on this (and a source for it)? What else? There should be more than just information from its website...have you checked newspapers local to the school for articles that might feature the school in them?

Three things to be very careful with as you move forward are paraphrasing, citing, and sentence structure/language use. There is quite a bit of too-close paraphrasing in the current draft. Rather than trying to slightly rearrange and present all of the material from, for example, the history or sports pages, sift through it for what is important. What might someone wanting to learn more about this school need to know? Put this entirely in your own words rather than making slight changes to someone else's. For citation, this doesn't just happen at the end of a paragraph. Each statement you make as fact should be connected to a credible source where someone can locate that information. The details in these articles can be critical...pay close attention to them (one other than citation that jumped out to me when reading was that the original article and school website both point to the school being in Magherafelt, but your draft states it is in Belfast. This is worth looking at more closely and either citing or correcting before moving your material to the main page. Finally, I would recommend reading your work aloud as you revise to help smooth out some of the sentences and phrasing.

I look forward to seeing how you make this more your own and what else you add to it!Nicoleccc (talk) 21:51, 28 October 2018 (UTC)