User talk:Hhorn117/sandbox

Assigned Article:
Diana al-Hadid

Hhorn117 (talk) 00:33, 10 February 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review
The first sentence under early life about her being a contemporary artist is unnecessary. Third sentence "her and her family" should just be her family. The last sentence in early life should be higher up in the section. Reorganize the paragraph more.

Received an MFA in what? What did she study at this new school Skowhegen, what did she do there. Marriage and children doesn't need to be its own section

The whole works section doesn't seem neutral toned. It appears opinionated. Also, sources need to be added to the paragraphs if they are from something. The worked talked about should have its own section titled

Visually stimulating is opinionated. The first three sentences are not neutral. rather opinionated

The article seems to be missing something. Right now it just appears to be a paper about her work rather than an article about her. Maybe reference other articles.

Link on source 2 fails The books link to WorldCat

Good start to the article but needs alittle more work.

Kdoss110 (talk) 18:37, 7 March 2019 (UTC)Kdoss110Kdoss110 (talk) 18:37, 7 March 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review 2
- “She was enamored” can come across as an opinionated statement

- remove the “s” from artists after “Al-Hadid is a Muslim and female artists”

- “Still” and “currently” are not both needed in the marriage and children sentence

- “It is hard to decipher” sentence not needed, or needs revision. Very subjective phrasing.

- “Visually stimulating” is an opinion

- “Appear to be breaking or even melting” is subjective

- “Have a sense of movement about them that causes the viewer to want to view her work at every possible angle” is a strong opinion, as well as “this ability presents a much richer viewing experience”

- She has a lot of exhibitions, is there anything to say about them?

- Is there anything about marriage and children that could be added? Who she married, when, etc?

- It says that her being a female and muslim presents challenges, what are these challenges?

So far the information seems good, it just has a lot of opinionated statements and wording that needs to be worked out. Lwest192 (talk) 21:12, 7 March 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review 3 (by Mary)
The article itself is well written and nicely organized, but there are a few changes I would consider making:

–In the section “Early Life” the sentence “When she was five her and her family moved to Cleveland”, should be changed to either “When she was five, her family moved to Cleveland” or “Her family moved to Cleveland when she was five”. –In the sentence “She is a Muslim and female artists” take out the “s” on the word “artist”. –In the Education section, tell what she got her MFA in.

–I don’t know if the “Marriage and Children” should be a section all on its own. It is very short, unless you tend to put more information. Probably put when she got married and when she had a child. –In the “Works” section put a comma between “works” and “one” in the first sentence of the paragraph.

–As for neutrality, the section on sculpture seem a little more positive than neutral. Instead of describing her work with words like “visually stimulating” and “meticulously”, I would suggest saying something like “She aims for her work to be visually stimulating” or “She aims for her work to have movement.” In that way, it doesn’t sound as opinionated. I would also get rid of the last sentence.

Overall, I would say the article is pretty good. It is well structure, there is a good balance to it, and the list of sources and references at the bottom seem to be working.Mary C Godwin (talk) 04:27, 8 March 2019 (UTC)