User talk:Highrise13/Indonesian Americans

Hello! I'm excited to see what you do with your page on Indonesian Americans!

Ziegenbalg66 (talk) 18:43, 2 April 2021 (UTC)

Hi Isaiah! Hope you're doing well. This is Joseph from your Asian Religions class. I looked over your article and I think it looks good for the most part. Your overview gives a nice chronological understanding of the history of Indonesian Americans, and you stay neutral by sticking to the numbers you found in the Encyclopedia of Asian American folklore and folklife. That said, I think some points of improvement could be found in your Religion section. There are instances where you make statements that could benefit from additional supporting evidence. For example, you state: "This mosque is very active today, and is an important hub for Indonesian Muslim life in America", and while you do cite the supporting evidence for this statement, it would be best to explicitly state what evidence drew you to the conclusion that the mosque was important. Interestingly, I think you supported your statements well in your Ethnicity section where you point out how: "the majority of Indonesians who came in the 1960s were of Chinese descent. Unofficial estimates suggest that as many as 60% of the Indonesians in Southern California are of Chinese descent". Another point of improvement may be utilizing the "cite" function more. I am struggling with this myself, and it's important to point out that whenever you refer to something very specific you likely need to end that sentence with a citation to whatever study you are referring to. For example, you should cite your source in this sentence: "Indonesian international students also came to the United States in significant numbers as early as the mid-1950s, beginning with a 1953 International Cooperation Administration (now U.S. Agency for International Development) program to allow University of Indonesia medical faculty to pursue higher studies at the University of California, Berkeley." And in this sentence: "Unofficial estimates suggest that as many as 60% of the Indonesians in Southern California are of Chinese descent."

Again, I wanna say that the overall tone and structure of your article seems great and your edits stay true to what you mentioned in the talk page of your article.

Good luck!

Wind-up Winter (talk) 00:17, 10 April 2021 (UTC)

Hello! You can tell looking at your edits that a lot of careful research went into it and you’re adding valuable information. A small note would be to take a look at some of the longer sentences and maybe break them up. For example, if this were my article, I would rewrite this sentence like this:

"Permanent settlement in the U.S. began to grow in 1965, due to the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965, which opened the door to Asian immigration, and the violent and chaotic Transition to the New Order in Indonesia, which spurred emigration from that country."

Permanent settlement in the U.S. began to grow in 1965. This increase was due in part to the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965, which opened the door to Asian immigration. Another contributing factor was the violent and chaotic Transition to the New Order in Indonesia, which spurred emigration from that country.

In my opinion, having shorter sentences would help to convey all the information that you’ve compiled, but of course that is up to you as the writer! Overall you’ve done an amazing and thorough job and made this article so much better.Editor9879 (talk) 04:18, 13 April 2021 (UTC)

Hey! I want to start off by saying that this looks super great! I can tell you've done a lot of research and I know your contributions will be very useful. You have a lot of detail, which is amazing! I would suggest adding more citations throughout the article (don't be afraid to overuse it). Having multiple reliable sources backing up your points will help add clarity. Overall this looks really great and I can't wait to see it published! (Vbbrown (talk) 15:56, 13 April 2021 (UTC))

suggestions
Hello Highrise13! I concur with your classmates have said - you've chosen a great article and your suggested edits are right on track. I like the way that you judiciously picked which sections to add to, and added a key sentence or rephrased an existing one, in a way that conforms to the overall style and tone of the piece (enhancing coherence) while also adding new information. Nice! Now, I would encourage you to craft a new section, as you had originally planned, using that article from the Indonesian Journal of Applied Linguistics. If there are a handful of creative writers who endeavor to capture something of the Indonesian American experience, wouldn't it be great to let the readers of this page know about them? Wonderful work! Thank you for helping to improve Wikipedia!

Ziegenbalg66 (talk) 18:33, 16 April 2021 (UTC)