User talk:Huskypedia/sandbox

The introduction summary could include the relevant film and TV show. This would make it consistent with another criminal page I found on Frank Abagnale HuskyEdits (talk) 17:16, 2 November 2018 (UTC)

Pretty neutral throughout. However, I would recommend cutting "interestingly" from the phrase, "Interestingly, Juettner made more money from the release of Mister 880 than he had made by counterfeiting." Pow232 (talk) 17:15, 2 November 2018 (UTC)

Overall, there are some issues with phrasing. The phrase "Starting in 1938, Juettner began using ten to twelve homemade counterfeited bills a week in select stores in the neighborhoods of Manhattan."is confusing. Maybe consider saying " In 1938, Juettner began using homemade counterfeit bills. He used approximately 10 small bills each week."

Another phrase "His wife gave birth to a son, named Walter in 1903 and a daughter, named Florence in 1918." is awkward. Maybe consider saying "Juettner and his wife had two children. Their son, Walter was born in 1903, and their daughter, Florence was born in 1918."

Going through and rephrasing sentences would be beneficial. Pow232 (talk) 17:26, 2 November 2018 (UTC)

Hi! I have some readability/consistency/all that fun stuff comments. :) Personal Life: I don't think you need to include the ages in the personal life section. With an unsure birth date, it may be easier to just include the dates. Also, I don't think you need a comma after January (that's also a consistency thing: you're working with UK-style dates, so make sure to stick with that fully. Further down you say "31 October, 1956" or something similar. I don't think you need the comma there using the UK-style dates.). Also, around the son and daughter names, I think you need to either use commas on both sides or neither, and just be consistent about it. Finally, maybe change the title of the section just to personal life, rather than early and personal life. Scheme: Some of the sentences here are awkwardly phrased, eg. "Starting in 1938..." Also the "never repeating storefronts or tenders" - as far as I understand, tender is money. Did he change denominations? This doesn't really make sense to me. Responses: Condense into one section of just "Response"? There's also several points in the Case 880 section that are a little confusing to read (and some repetition, e.g "After the first using his first bill"). The sentencing could also be combined into this Case 880 section, since it's the last phase of the case. My last comment is on balance - some of the sections are considerably longer than others, despite covering the same or even less material. For instance the section on the movie is the same length roughly as the section on his scheme. Could you find a way to either elaborate on the shorter sections or cut down some of the longer ones? Overall it's very interesting! --indigo arrow (talk) 21:41, 2 November 2018 (UTC)

The overall layout looks good if you don't have any more information about the early and private life. If you find more I would consider splitting that into two sections. You need sources for the intro, early and personal life, sentence, and legacy sections. See if "Annals of Crime" has more information you can use. One more nit-picky thing: for your section headers, only the first word should be capitalized, unless there is a proper noun. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Thebouddha (talk • contribs) 16:32, 5 November 2018 (UTC)