User talk:Hwrth123

3 My story

I was born into a traditional Hindu family with a large, close-knit extended family. I came from a family of five children, I was the eldest child, my nightmare all started at the age of three. At the age of three, I also witnessed a rape this happened in front of sister, my brother, and me. The sexual abuse began while we were living at my Grandmother’s house and was at the hands of my Dads brother. I was just a little girl who craved my family’s love and trust; I did not understand what was happening. The abuse stopped when I was eight years old from my Dads brother and the nightmare did not stop the sexual abuse started again this time by my mom’s brother. My nightmare went on until my teens. I wasn’t aware at the time but all the elders in the family knew about the abuse that I had suffered with the first uncle, I found that out when I was putting my past right myself at a time when I was finding my bearings. My mom had told my dad and his reply was “all men do this its normal behaviour”.

I was suffering in silence, and so much wanting to speak to someone. I couldn't talk to anyone, as with fear I would freeze even if I thought about it. Plans had been made to go abroad to visit family in India a holiday for six weeks, and that's where my mom’s brother sexually abused me. I was only eight, and this would happen when we would visit him at his house. I was so confused and lost in the world of my own. Was this normal behaviour and did all girls go through this? That message would go round and round in my head. I came back from India after six weeks. I was ok for a while as I was back home safe at my parent’s house and that was my comfort zone. No one could touch me now although my first abuser was living next door. I was safe, felt that my ordeal was over and I could be that little girl again. That is what I would say to myself. Then the shock hit me when I heard my mom’s brother was coming to England to get married and he was going to live with us. When he arrived, he came to live with us I was now ten and in my mind. I had blanked what had happened in India. I was so wrong the sexual abuse started again and it went into my teens. Why didn't I speak up? Well, who to and who would listen to me. They had Already let my dad’s brother abuse me, and they did nothing. I hated my life so much I started to self-harm. I remember my auntie finding me doing this. She did not question me and there was no questions asked. One day I was so upset I was in my dad’s shed in the back garden. I was crying so much but no one was around. Then I saw a bottle of paraffin and I drank it, thinking this could be my way out. I was found and admitted to hospital and again no questions were asked. I just wanted to end my life and be free of the pain that I was suffering. Why did they choose me and not my sister? Was it the fact that I was pretty with a nice pale face whereas my sister was darker in skin and skinny? I so wished I was ugly maybe they wouldn't have looked at me, Well that wasn't to be it was me they chose and me they tried to destroy. I always thought didn't I mean anything to anyone and maybe I was really adopted. I was so lost and confused and did not really believe I belonged in this family. I took overdose after overdose, and still no one asked me why I was doing it. I used to take my mom’s medicine hoping they were dangerous and that it would end my pain. I know I was destined, and I am glad I had this pain and not my sister. The pain and sorrow I went through I would not wish it on anyone.

My days at primary school, I felt different. I was taller than the other children where. Long black hair and tied up in two ponytails. I remember sitting on the floor with the other children. Not interacting and confused. Even at this point, I did not feel I fitted in. Did not talk to anyone and kept myself to myself. I did make a couple of friends, who also seemed lost. Maybe we all fitted in nicely. There was one time, I was sat at a desk, and the teacher put his hand on my knee. This did make me feel uncomfortable. Looking back know, he wouldn’t have done it intentionally. He wasn’t to know, what I was going through. Then there were times I couldn’t put my hand up to ask questions. I was always holding myself back. My little voice would stay at the back of my throat. No, matter what I did, nothing as if I had lost my voice. I didn’t really enjoy the school activities, and would make excuses to get myself out of them. Once there was a dancing rehearsal with boys and I managed to get out of it. Even at the age of ten, I started my periods and I felt I was the only girl and I could excuse myself from activities. This particular day the teacher had asked me to tidy the bookshelf up. I didn’t really realise then, but looking back, I had spirit with me. The strong smell that I get now was with me. At the time, I did feel someone was with me, but couldn’t really put it down to anything. It did give me comfort and made me feel safe. (As I am writing this, I have spirit with me lovely sweet smell.) So spirit have being with me from an early age, but I didn’t realise what it was until later on in life.

There was a time I remember my brother and sister playing and cuddling each other. They would have being five and six and I was seven. I used to look at them, and think to myself. That doesn’t seem right, and why isn’t my mom stopping them. Looking back know, I now its normal behaviour. All children should do that, but I was not a normal child. I was all confused and living in my own little world. At the same time, I felt left out and I wanted to join in, but I didn’t like to be touched. So I just stayed in my little world and I felt safe there with my thoughts in my own world.

When I was in my teens we went to London visiting family. My uncle (Mums brother) was with us and everyone was showing him so much respect. His wife, my mum and my younger siblings was all in the same car traveling. At one point my auntie said she was going to have a nap and if I could talk to my uncle. Keep him busy while he was driving. I didn’t say anything to him. Just felt awkward being in his presence. My voice wouldn’t come out. All I could feel was his presence and this made me so uncomfortable. We did arrive at our destination and I just tried to stay away from him as best as I could. I thought to myself, I am safe here. Lots of people around and all I had to do was stay well clear. My little head was doing overtime again in finding ways to keep my distant. At night time I was asleep next to his wife in someone else’s house and my mom in the same room. The next thing I remember being woken up by my uncle making a pass at me. I couldn’t believe it, in someone else’s house and his wife next to me. I just pushed him away and all I could smell was fumes of whisky. I stayed awake all night terrified and scared. That night I held my tears in as I didn’t want anyone to hear me.