User talk:Ianwr/sandbox

Ian, This is a good start to your article on the Toronto Police Service's "Morality Department." You provide a great introduction to the Morality Department in your first few sentences that is clear and concise. You need to continue to add detail to this article to ensure it is equal to the amount of work a term paper would be. Be sure to include footnotes in your paragraphs whenever you cite facts from sources so the reader knows where the fact came from. I noticed you only have website links as your sources right now. In the future, you should see if there are any scholarly books in Weldon/Huron library. You could also consider using JSTOR in Western database to see if there are any interesting articles on the Morality Department. Moving forward, you should structure your article using sub headings to make it easier for the reader to follow. For example you introduce the Morality Department in your first paragraph but then start a new paragraph talking about prostitution, and then mention The Sabbath Laws. These topics could be under their own subheading or perhaps worked into your article in a different section. I enjoyed reading the last paragraph that talked about women in the Morality Department. I think where you can make this article thrive is in unpacking the different sides of the Morality Department like you did in the last paragraph. You could look into Was the Morality Department successful/effective? Was the Morality Department really moral? Are there examples of corruption? How did the Morality Department change society?

Below I have left some edits: - in your first sentence there is a typo, change then to the - "It ran from then through the 1930's" sounds awkward - "Their methods called more often" you start your paragraph with their, are you referring to the Morality Department? Consider making this more clear - "That last point is important"(in your 3rd paragraph) is this your own personal opinion? Remember Wikipedia wants a neutral viewpoint. However if a scholarly source is claiming absentee fathers is the most important cite the book or include a direct quote?

Overall, this is a great start. More detail and use of scholarly sources will greatly improve the quality of your article. Continue to edit/revise your work so that each sentence flows into the next creating one cohesive paragraph/article. Be sure to organize your paragraphs into subheadings to make your article more clear. Let me know if you want me to keep reviewing this article even after the peer review deadline is over! Tylerweatherill (talk) 22:07, 23 February 2018 (UTC) Tyler Weatherill

Ian's Peer Review done by Avery Parr
Ian, after reading your article and the sections under the Toronto Police Service’s “Special Operations”, I think that your article on the Morality Department will be a great addition to this section.

I think your opening paragraph has great bones to give the reader some background on the department. The one thing in this paragraph I would elaborate on is giving the reader some context as to what is going on at this time period that they specifically chose this time to install the morality department which also may give the reader context as to why the targets of the crime were mainly women and children. I also think if you could give a few more social assistance program examples that would be beneficial to the article’s context.

I also notice you start two sentences that start with “Indeed” in your article which I personally think makes the sentence sound a bit awkward and could just be taken out. I would also like to know more about the context behind what was considered “prostitution” at this time. You give a great example however I think an example as well as a background explaining what this term meant at this time would help give the reader more context. This can also be applied to the Sabbath laws with providing just one sentence to explain what the Sabbath law is before providing an example. Your third paragraph is very good at explaining why they were popular as a social service with some great examples provided, one of which you go into detail very well in. I would reword the opening to the sentence “That last point is important” because I feel as though it sounds awkward. My favourite paragraph is your last one on women in the morality department and police force. You did a great job of explaining how they were brought into the morality department, what they did and the inferiorities they faced as being women in this profession.

I also really enjoyed you incorporating background information about the time such as bringing up the point that there were feminists in the 1920’s which gave a deeper context to the paragraph.

Potentially with some more scholarly sources you could add even more to this piece. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed your article and I believe with a few additions in areas I mentioned above as well as a few sentences restructuring this article gives a reader basic, easy to understand and factual knowledge base on this topic. Well done, Avery Parr — Preceding unsigned comment added by Avery Parr (talk • contribs) 23:09, 1 March 2018 (UTC)

Great feedback guys! Ian, both Tyler and Avery have provided some excellent suggestions for improvement here. I especially like how you both focused on the substance of the article as well as its style.Tpcanoe (talk) 18:07, 13 March 2018 (UTC) tp