User talk:Janeygodley

Sleepless in Westminster
I cannot seem to sleep well, this flat is amazing though...two bedrooms, ensuite toilets and power showers deluxe and I lie in that big bed and stare at the ceiling...I even have air con, yet I cannot rest well. Driving me mad, all my dreams are surreal and weird. I keep dreaming I lie there and talk to my husband and it seems so very real. I went for a good walk yesterday all around this area, and it's so lovely. The Houses of Parliament are behind my garden and the river walk is just amazing. I walked round the square where all the protestors stay, living there beneath the banners they have erected in protest to our elected Government and it seems a law is being passed to move them away as there will be no protestors allowed within a certain boundary of the Houses of Parliament, so that the MP and the PM can sit safely in the 'Big House' secure in the knowledge that when they pass that square they don’t have to look into the eyes of the defiance of the people....such shit I say. What a fucking blatant disregard to our freedom of speech. What is wrong with the 'chosen few' (who we must never chose again I say) are they too scared to see the gentle, yet powerful and peaceful words that challenge them? Do we live in state where we cannot talk about what we believe in? I may just rip off one of these expensive Egyptian cotton sheets off the bed here and write up FREEDOM OF SPEECH FOR ALL on it and set up camp in the square. Or maybe I will not bother as I am scared beasties that live in the grass or worse...RATS will come and live on me....I am good at the talking but worried about the long haul involved...so I applaud the bravery of those people who stand up for themselves in that square near Parliament and urge you all to support their right to freedom of speech. It's our rights too that are being affected. See what happened you put me near a government building and I get all political! I am getting ready for my preview show tonight at Richmond and I think I am better prepared than Friday's show. It's exciting to have a whole new HOUR to take to Edinburgh! Roll on August!

OH MY GOD! Alexander O'Neal
YES! The soul sexy love God..Alexander O'Neal was a guest on the radio show BBC radio 4 'Loose Ends' (Tonight Saturday 6.15pm).

I was doing a guest spot and HE was sitting beside ME....I melted...I have all his music on my IPOD.

I did this story about how Ashley was selling my knickers on EBAY and I actually offered live on air Alexander O'Neal a pair of mine for FREE!!!!!

The show went well, I was nervous and I did advertise my blog on the radio also, I am so naughty.

Last night my preview went as well as expected, I was nervous but I threw away the script in my head and went on a rant about stuff that turned out to be funny, the audience liked me so I am therefore happy. I did discover some of the stuff that didn’t work and that will be excluded for tomorrow nights preview.

I am still all gooey about Alexander O'Neal...how much of a tit am I? So it's Saturday and I am free tonight though am on call in case some comedy club has a let down, but otherwise am free to chill out!

It's Summer in the city and I am hot hot hot...but not as hot as I was an hour ago!

I am in love....the black man who lives in my head is jealous, but that's life.

Listen in tonight if you wish, it also streams on the internet Radio 4 BBC Loose ends 6.15pm.

Confessions of a confessor
Well thanks for all the comments about yesterday's blog. I had explained my need for honesty in my life and confession...and not being a Catholic ( I have no religion, can you tell?) I decided that the best thing to do is keep all my dark secrets within my own head. Maybe on my death bed all will be revealed! I am not about to unleash my mistakes on the general public!

On another note, I just sat and watched Roman Holdiay with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck, it was awesome to see all the beautiful places I had visited last week. Despite having no Royal connections ( Hepburn was a Princess in the movie) I had the most amazing Roman Holiday myself. I will go back.

Today I had nasty problems with my internet connections, my previous provider was Wanadoo, it was problematic so I cancelled it and tried to switch to BT internet but how the fuck was I to know that the whole process took 20 days in all to complete! I am aghast at the service...surely in today's technology it can happen in a New York minute? NO NO NO!

So I am on no broadband and limited to internet time whilst the fuckers make the switch over...GRrrrrrr...I am so very annoyed.

Life is good just now, I am off to London tomorrow and the people at Crownlawn who get me accomodation have come up trumps again! I do love them, I am going to stay in a lovely apartment in central London.

My best mate Monica is coming round for dinner in my new smart London pad and after ten years of friendship I have NEVER cooked for her! My husband has cooked for her as he can cook, but I am now about to face the challenge. Bear in mind Monica owns her own PR company that represents THE BEST CHEF IN THE WORLD! Yes Heston Blumental is her client and I will have to get on the phone and have my husband talk me through steak and roasted asparagus! I am nervous but will rise to the challenge.

Hope she doesn't want something strange like souffle' ..?

I will be fine...I hope. If it all fails we will just eat crisps and sit on the floor and talk about men for three hours over a bottle of good wine...that's what we normally do anyway!

I still have a disconnected idea of what i am doing for my preview shows and the radio show...I am nervous but will do my best. There is a nice write up going in the Evening Standard tomorrow night, Bruce Dessau came to Glastonbury to interview me for the article which will feature details of my previews. I am shitting a brick...or if my cooking goes wrong...just shitting.

I am sitting here listening to the Scottish news and can hear how some of the protestors from the G8 summit were submitted to psychological damage in the London Road police cells...I spent the night in those cells when they found guns in the house I stayed in that belonged to my father in law.

The only psychological damage I suffered was that wee fat woman who works in the police office came to give me tea in the morning, she was small and fat and looked like Les Dawson when he dressed as a woman on TV....I could not stop laughing at her, she was not pleased and when I asked for a hot bath and some clean clothes-she fucking laughed right back at me and said " Yeah fuck you ye arse, where de ye think ye are? The fucking Hilton?, see if pulling a gun on me gets ye a fried egg ya cunt!" With that she slammed the door and left me tea-less!

So have a good night all and will chat when I am safely (I hope) tucked up in my nice temporary flat in London.

Tuesday the 12th of July 2005 The heat is on

I am slowly melting into a fat blob of liquid cellulite.

I love Glasgow in the summertime, but shopping in that heat is clearly mental. The amount of kids out of school running up and down shopping aisles is crazy and screaming mothers, tempers flared by the heat chasing them for a slap (is that not illegal?)...it's a world gone mad.

I am ready for my preview shows in london, I was slightly concerned that i would not have an act...but it seems a quick chat with my daughter helped, she reminded me of all the stuff I talk about and we both worked out some funny shit to do. So I was calm then I got a call from BBC about the radio show I am on this weekend "Loose Ends", I have to do 4 minutes of material ...not that its a problem, but I always panic that my material is good but may bot be suitable for certain times of the day. I am not a 'blue' comic by any means but I do worry.

Then I got a call from BBC Scotland to remind me of a show they are filming that I am involved in, fuck I forgot about that. Never mind it's all sorted and my head is around it all now.

I have been feeling a bit weird lately, just odd in an emotional way. When I was in Italy, I had a chat with a good pal and we talked about being really really honest and this stuck in my head, I dont know if I am totally honest about everything in my life and it worries me. There is some stuff I will take to my grave and I am not sure if I can or ever will talk about it.

I wont talk about it on here, but my mate tells me he wants to start a website where people can be truly honest about stuff and that struck me as a good idea.

When I was in Manchester, I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote down everything I am guilty of ( bear in mind my Edinburgh show is called Janey Godley is Innocent) and I sat there staring at it. Then I burnt the paper and fell back asleep and was plagued by horrible screaming nightmares, so much so I walked in my sleep.

I have said some nasty things in my life, done some unforgivable things and witnessed some stuff that I will never talk about...surely thats not unique?

Is it?

Monday the 11th of July 2005 My Knickers on EBAY!

My daugter Ashley cornered me yesterday when I got home...I am all exhausted and she shoves a pair of knickers into my hand and black ink marker and said "Sign these whilst I take a picture"...so I did. I then went into unpack my things.

Eventually when my brain worked properly I asked her "Why did you take a photo of me signing knickers?"

Ashley said " Well I am hoping your book will make you more famous and I am selling your pants on EBAY"

I am shocked. I am hoping she is joking and I am hoping the knickers she has belonging to me are sparkling and clean. The last thing I want is for some weirdo to have a pair of my old pants with dodgy stains on....

Well today in Scotland is the offical hotest day on the year. I watched loads of mad Scots walk about burnt red...so many people will lie in bed tonight and feel the hot skin on their back start to blister..USE SUNSCREEN!

You always know its hot in Glasgow because the next day newspapers report of two people who died in their garden...fucking hell, when will folk realise that the BIG HOT ball in the sky is made of BURNING FLAMES?

We went to the beach for a wee while and it was way too hot to even sit on the coast..we are all at home..half naked clustered around a fan....I would kill for snow right now.

I am getting my show prepared for my previews this weekend in London, my new show for the Edinburgh Fringe is called

"Janey Godley is Innocent".

Well hope it is funny as I have press etc coming to see the show. Cant change the title now as I have posters etc all made and ready to go and my daughter is doing my PR this year, no reason to spend 3 grand on someone else talking about me when she can do it perfectly well and is in fact very good at PR. She has a lot of experience in that field and has managed to get big audiences into shows every year for other companies that hired her, for me she will work for love.

I hope...or maybe I can pay her in used underwear to sell on EBAY?

Monday the 11th of July The Observer

Just managed to read a newspaper without tearing it up (read post below!) and the Observer has a big BOOK review section and they TIP my BOOK 'Handstands in the Dark' as one of their recommendations as a 'HOT TIP' WOW!

I am well pleased with that...I am up withere with some of the best books this year.

Thats worth all the stress and hard work.

Am off to sleep, painkillers have finally kicked in and my womb no longer feels like it's trying to implode.

Am off to London this week, this time I promise I will not go to the M15 building and demand a go on their internet...still cant believe I assumed that the biggest SPY- INTELLIGENCE building in Millbank, London was an internet cafe....... I am an arse.

I am home..at last!

Awoke this morning in Manchester with period pains from hell ( I wish the government would legalise CRACK once a month for women)..the journey loomed ahead, so I upgraded to first class and encountered a well dressed oppressive old man who demanded my newspaper (wot is it with me and fucking loonies on trains?).

this is how it went...

I sit in an empty first class carriage, happy to be alone...to quietly bleed and moan. I spread out my newspapers and set about distracting myself from my womb that feels like a fucking evil Doberman is trying to eat it's way out.

An elderly couple come on and sit three seats in front of me. She is stooped and very old but a pretty looking old Dame, he is tall well dressed in check trews and sparkling white shirt.

He looks over at me then stumbles up to the seat across the aisle from mine and stared at my newspaper, then flashed a glance at me...basically communicating to me that he wants to read my Sunday Newspapers, but wants me to 'offer' them to him. I am no mood to placate old grumpy old men, he can ask me if he wants to read my papers.

He sits there and I can see out of the side of my vision that he intently staring at the newspaper...still...he then gets some courage and reaches over with his liver spotted gnarled hand and simply grasps them off my table in front of me.

My reflex action is there before he can escape to his seat..I grab at his wrist, pull out my IPOD earplug and say "That is my newspaper sir"

His reumy old eyes flinch and he diverts his stare and gazes through me and mutters " I thought they belonged to the train company"

me-"Well even if that was true would it not be at least polite to ask me instead of grabbing at them? If I did that to you, you would insist that MY GENERATION had no respect"

He simply stood there watching me whilst holding my freshly bought newspapers, his wife watched with frightened eyes that told me he normally got his own way. Well, not with fucking me he ain't.

"You could ask me if you can read my papers" I spoke to fill the dead air.

"Can I read your newspaper?" he barked in defiance at me.

"No..no way, not until you learn some manners Old man, now put them down and get back from my table" I hissed.

He threw my Sunday Times on the floor in the centre of the train aisle and threw himself onto his seat.

I simply leaned over and picked it up and sat there in front of him and slowly but very deliberately tore it into long equal strips..one after the other until I had managed to decimate the whole newspaper including magazines and sports sections...the noise ripped the air as I sat there smiling tearing away slowly but happily. There was a huge pile of confetti'ed Sunday news sat there right on my table. I missed nothing, in fact it was theraputic, all that destruction and slashing noise filling the air cured me of my angst and period pains.

The old man sat there, his face going purple, his anger seeped into the carriage, yet I smiled.

Fuck Him...he may be able to bully his poor wee wife, but I am not going to let any man ever bully me or make me feel that I should do anything to keep them happy.

I would have been that wee old woman had I not stood my ground years ago...in fact I think I was her for a short while.

No more!

I am the SCOTTISH RIPPER! (of newspapers)


 * Lol. Well done. -- BMIComp  (talk) 23:02, 10 July 2005 (UTC)

Cool City!
I do love Glasgow! My husband and daughter are in Amsterdam for five days (she is having a pre-University holiday with her dad) and it's great being at home alone...I never get to do this- normally i am alone elsewhere in the world...but i now lie on my huge sofa, eat ice cream at midnight, watch MY televison (not interrupted by HIS constant channel flicking), I get to eat my kind of food.

Get this -I made cheesy pasta and added chicken breast to it, and mushrooms...CHEESE and CHICKEN...I ate it out of a POT...no table cloth and polished cutlery for me..I ate at the small table (Husband will kill me for this) with a big pot on the surface and chomped into my strange meal. It was great, and I read a full book in one sitting!

I sleep until 3pm and walk about half naked eating ice cream!

Today i will need to clean the whole house and get washing hung up, clean pots and discard ice cream cartons.

Went up to my local pub yesterday 'Oran Mor' and was surprised to see the famous David Walliams from Little Britain and Gweynth Paltrow, Fran healy from Travis...then realised that Simon Pegg was having his wedding there, his lovely wife is Scottish and they had the full bagpipe and tartan affair!

Nice..

Went straight to my gig at Blackfriars and as usual the mic broke..the audience were lovely though and it was a good night. I tried out some of my new stuff for the fringe and it all went well.

Husband is back today and I am off to do some spring cleaning.

The UK is still reeling at the fact the poor bloke they shot five times in the head is innocent but was acting weird...

Fucksake if acting weird is a shootable offence then everyone I know will be dead by next week.

If that is the 'Intelligence' of our Intelligence people then hopefully they will recruit my crazy brother MIJ, he has more intelligence than our authorities and he talks to worms.

RIP poor Brazilian boy...thoughts are with your family.