User talk:Jarbobinkly/draft2

=Peer Review 2 Response=

EmmaForRome142497 Thank you for all the wonderful suggestions! I've made the changes you suggested and the addressed sections now read much more fluidly.

Going forward I would like to re-introduce a paragraph in one of the sections about patronage in regards to freedmen and slaves. I'd also like to expand on ideas such as amicitia, hospitium, and similiar terms relate to Ancient Rome and the reciprocity ethics that blanketed Roman society. I'd like to add another picture but finding relevant pictures has proven difficult. Jarbobinkly (talk) 18:40, 24 March 2020 (UTC)

=Instructor Comments on Draft/Peer Review 2=

EmmaForRome142497 thanks for your peer review, it is very helpful and carefully done. All of your suggestions for presentation/style/grammar are much appreciated! Grade: 15/15

Jarbobinkly great job with the edits on this round, I see you've reorganized some sections and added extra information which is great. As your reviewer says, your writing style is very straightforward and easy to understand - well done on that front! You can see that they've pointed out some areas for improvement with grammar, and you'll definitely want to make sure to proofread several times over the next few weeks. For example, in the sentence "Patronage and it's many forms", it should be 'its'; "was seen as a symbol of the patrons prestige" should be patron's. These are minor issues, but please address all your peer reviewers suggestions and these grammatical errors. The larger task for you to address over the next few weeks is the chronological info. So, you have a section on clientela in the Republic, and then the next section is called late antiquity and the early middle ages - essentially, this means that there is no information for the entirety of the early and middle empire, or the first couple centuries CE. Is that the case? If so, you should say so. However, the third section talks about Augustus, so there must be some information? Make sure you're clear on this, because 'late antiquity' doesn't really start until the 4th-5th century CE. Let me know if you have questions about this, I want to make sure you get it right! Great work so far, keep at it! '''Don't forget to respond to your 2nd peer review in your sandbox talk page (10 points) and to make all proofreading, grammatical, spelling, and structural changes. Make revisions if you have time, but in addition to the changes listed above, you must at acknowledge that you have seen the 2nd peer reviewer's suggestions, and write a brief sentence or two explaining what you will add to your article for the final draft and how your final article will be improved.''' Grade: 14/15 Gardneca (talk) 14:46, 24 March 2020 (UTC)

=Peer Review 2 for Rome: Republic and Empire=

I really like the way you worded your most information. It often matches with the rest of the way the article is written and I think is a good example of exactly what Wikipedia is looking for! I think your Civic Patronage has some strange wording, using things like "hereafter" and "wherein" seem like a lot for a Wiki article for me, but maybe that's an opinion thing. I also really like that you included what you still intend to add, that is super helpful for peer reviews. I just have a couple of suggestions, but they're all for wording and grammar:

Section "Nature of clientela in the Republic"

"Benefits a patron might confer include legal representation in court" - maybe not use the word confer and use "Benefits a patron may be granted include." Could be easier to read.

"The client was regarded as a minor member of their patron's gens ("clan")" - you don't have to italicize "gens" and clarify that it's a clan - by directing the reader to the gens wikipedia page, they can just hover over the word "gens" and they'll see what it means.

"entitled to assist in its religious services, and bound to contribute to the cost of them." - I'm not sure you have to link a new page to "its religious services" because the information it gives you when you hover over it isn't very helpful. I think you should say "entitled to assist in its sacra gentilicia" and then link the same place.

Section "Late antiquity and early Middle Ages"

"The complex relationships between patron and client changed with the social pressures during the late Republic, when terms such as patronus, cliens and patrocinium are used in a more restricted sense than amicitia, "friendship" including political friendships and alliances, or hospitium, reciprocal "guest-host" bonds between families" - this sentence is huge. Consider how to chop it up so it isn't a run-on sentence.

"Fergus Millar doubts that it was the dominant force in Roman elections that it has often been seen as" - "has" becomes "had."

Section "Civic Patronage"

"Several influential Romans such as Caesar and Augustus established client-patron relationships in conquered regions." - just missing some commas. It should read: "Several influential Romans, such as Caesar and Augustus, established client-patron relationships in conquered regions."

"This can be seen in Caesar’s relations with the Aedui of Gaul wherein he was able to restore their influence over the other Gallic tribes whom where once their clients." - also missing some commas. Should read: "This can be seen in Caesar’s relations with the Aedui of Gaul, wherein he was able to restore their influence over the other Gallic tribes, whom were once their clients."

"Augustus established colonies in all parts of the empire during his conquests which extended his influence to the very furthest reaches of the empire." - consider rewording, there's something awkward about using "empire" twice.

"He also made many acts of kindness to the whole of Rome at large, including food and monetary handouts as well as settling soldiers in new colonies that he sponsored which indebted a great many people to him" - missing a few commas again. Should be: "He also made many acts of kindness to the whole of Rome at large, including food and monetary handouts, as well as settling soldiers in new colonies that he sponsored, which indebted a great many people to him" or just reword because this is bordering on a run-on sentence.

"Through these examples Augustus also altered the form of patronage to one that suited his ambitions for power, encouraging acts that would benefit Roman society over selfish interests." - one missing comma. Should read: "Through these examples, Augustus also altered the form of patronage to one that suited his ambitions for power, encouraging acts that would benefit Roman society over selfish interests."

Really great work, good luck with the rest of your assignment!EmmaForRome142497 (talk) 21:48, 14 March 2020 (UTC)