User talk:Jazzmusiek/sandbox

Jasmaine, I see your note at the bottom of your sandbox that you will work on the Hani Motoko article. However, it looks like you never did the "Evaluate an Article" assignment. Please pay attention to the assignment due dates that are listed in the syllabus so you don't lose points. Elyssafaison (talk) 17:21, 3 February 2019 (UTC)

Peer review -- Chase
This is an excellently sourced article. It features a generous amount of biographical information that is communicated clearly and efficiently.

However, I noticed that the three main biographical sections are largely unbalanced, with the first being exceedingly long compared to the average second section and far-too-short third section. I am sure that the "death and afterward" section is merely unfinished, but I figured I would mention it here for posterity.

Second, much of the information is delivered in large paragraphs with a citation only appearing at the end. This makes it hard for me to tell which information is being directly sourced. It might be good to source smaller blocks of information, even if it means reusing the citation. (I'm not sure on this, and at the end of the day it's a formatting and Wikipedia protocol issue, so take this criticism with a grain of salt.)

As another bit of formatting etiquette, I think starting new paragraphs and/or sections with "Hani" might be better than simply using the pronoun "she". I don't have any basis for this, it just seems to be what a lot of wikipedia articles do.

Lastly, the "Jiyu Gakuen" is mentioned, and I think it would be helpful to include a bit of information about it somewhere in the article, since it appears to play a part in Hani's biography.

Needless to say, I was invested in learning more about Hani Motoko, so I think at the end of the day the article is well-written, engaging, and neutral.

Chaseander (talk) 22:32, 20 February 2019 (UTC)

Instructor comments
When you transferred the info box into your sandbox her birth year got changed from 1873 to 1973. Be sure to change it back!

You have the city of her birth (Early Life section) listed as Hachinobe. It should be Hachinohe. The quote from Hani you give in the second paragraph is not contextualized. “Knew better” about what? Also, the quotation is not introduced properly within the sentence. The list of the schools she attended seems truncated…It reads as though all three schools you list are the elementary schools she attended, which they are not. Not sure what is meant by she “completed her secondary education with high objectives, but limited opportunities.” What is meant by “high objectives”? Do you mean high aspirations? The women’s magazine is Jogaku zasshi (not Jagaku zasshi). Need a citation for the claim that Christian schools saw women as more than good wives and mothers. I’m not sure this statement is true, as most Christian schools were training women exactly to be “good wives and wise mothers.”

Chase’s advice above is quite good, so I will not repeat it here except to suggest that in addition to finishing out the later sections of her life, you might consider dedication a section to her career. She is known as Japan’s first female journalist, so it would be appropriate to focus a section on her career, rather than have all the sections be named after aspects of her personal life.

Need to work on syntax in several places and proper integration of quotations. You have referred to her autobiography in several places, but I do not see her autobiography cited. Good start….keep going! Elyssafaison (talk) 05:35, 25 February 2019 (UTC)

Instructor comments March 16
Go through all your notes and be sure to put them at the end of the sentence, AFTER the final punctuation (you seem to still have some of them in front of the final punctuation). For the References/Notes and references section, choose ONE of those names (“References” or “Notes and references”) instead of using both. Also in that section you have the Kahn article listed twice, probably because it did not get properly formatted the first time. I recommend deleting note number 4, since it is not properly rendered. The Robins-Mowry work needs a full citation. You have the Garon book listed twice. FAMILY section: You are missing a comma in the second sentence of the second paragraph (after “former samurai”). You still have Hachinohe written incorrectly in this section as “Hachinobe”. Also, do you have a citation for the statement that “women’s education was a controversial issue in pre-second WW Japan”? I am not sure that the statement is true, but if you have a cite you can keep it. The rest of the paragraph is accurate. In the “Early Schooling” section, I do not know what is meant by “she failed to act appropriately under moral convictions.” You will need to reword this to make your meaning more clear. You have some other issues in this section that have not been corrected since the last set of comments I gave (above). Please take a look at those comments again. (Including the one about Christian schools seeing women as more than good wives and mothers: in fact, Christian schools were central to promoting the “good wife, wise mother” philosophy; and the correction of “Jogaku zasshi”.

Teaching Career section: “At the time, most women worked as textile-mill operators or domestic servants, only 5.9% of teachers in Japan were women.” First, this should be two sentences. Second, the statement as written is inaccurate. It would be more accurate to say: “Most women who worked in wage labor at the time were employed as textile-mill operators or domestic servants.”

Journalism Career: First sentence has syntax problems. Please rewrite. Second sentence, “issued” should be “assigned”. Second paragraph first two sentences have similar syntax problem. Please rewrite.

Second Marriage: The sentences in this section appear verbatim in the lead. I recommend removing it from the lead and leaving it here.

Once you have completed these corrections, you may start moving your work over to the main space. Please email me if you have any questions about these comments, or anything else. Don’t hesitate to ask if you are not sure what you are supposed to do. Elyssafaison (talk) 00:33, 17 March 2019 (UTC)