User talk:JessWeiss/sandbox

User:JessWeiss, I took a look at your article. Due to the critique you received before, I went through your article and tried to remove any "biased" language I saw in the article. Hopefully that will give your article a more NPOV. There were a few places where information seemed to be repetitive (e.g., you mention Shoretz's battle with cancer in two sections and the genetic predisposition for cancer in three sections). I recommend taking a look at this information and seeing if there is a way to restructure your article so it isn't repetitive. Finally, are you sure you should have the mission statement in the article? That could contribute to your article appearing promotional. -Bcstanley1 (talk) 00:15, 5 November 2019 (UTC)

Hi Reagle -- when you are able to, can you please let me know if my article is ready for the main space? There are no images available on Wikimedia Commons related to Sharsheret, but I am trying to locate an original picture to upload. Thank you for your help! JessWeiss (talk) 20:51, 9 November 2019 (UTC)

Review
, I've edited to reorg (to remove redundancy) and cleanup; two citations are required, and I have a question about the following:


 * "As stated on Sharsheret's website", if this were true, you do not cite it the website. That said, citing external reputable sources is preferred.

Once you address these, I think you should check in with about trying mainspace again. -Reagle (talk) 14:46, 11 November 2019 (UTC)


 * Thank you for your edits Reagle -- I have made those changes, please let me know if there's anything else that should be added!, can you please let me know if I am ready to try the mainspace again?


 * , yes, I think it's ready for another attempt -- you can continue to work on 's suggestions, before or after. Hopefully can give her advice soon. -Reagle (talk) 14:36, 13 November 2019 (UTC)

would you mind reviewing my article? I would really benefit from any additional feedback!
 * Hi User:JessWeiss! I have reviewed your article and made some changes/have a few suggestions that I think could strengthen your article even more! See below:

-MichelleBir. (talk) 03:01, 13 November 2019 (UTC)
 * Does “Sharsheret” need to be in bold?
 * I think the intro is very strong
 * I took out some of the transition words (such as “moreover” since this isn’t really an essay)
 * I added quotation marks to Sharsheret’s mission statement - do you need to add a credit to the quote? (for ex: “…over 250 educational programs annually worldwide”. -Sharsheret Executive Board) - on that same note there is a citation needed on there
 * I don’t think the fact that Sharsheret hosting webinars and meetings needs to be in the “Mission” section, maybe in the intro since it’s just a quick piece of info?
 * I added a link to the Rochelle Lee Shoretz Wikipedia page
 * “She was also a mother of two and a leader in the Jewish community” could sound a little biased - maybe say something she did to exemplify her leadership? Just a thought!
 * Maybe take out the quote about Shoretz saying “I believe true support needs to be tailored” and change it to something such as “Shoretz advocated for individualized support of those with breast cancer.” On first glance, that seems less biased to me…
 * I reworked the Joshua Venture phrasing
 * I took out “in particular” after you mention AEPhi because that could be where it seems like a conflict of interest
 * Changed some of the wording in the Pink Day description for clarity
 * I added a link for the CDC
 * Do you have a citation for the CDC award
 * I think it seems more biased because you have a lot of quotes. Maybe change some quotes to more general statements
 * Overall though, it’s good I think you have a good amount of information and touch on the relevant aspects of the organization :)