User talk:Jessicag32

if you knew me when i was little you would know, i always wanted to be a mom. it was my dream. gosh, i played with baby dolls for the longest time. all i ever wanted was to become a mom. the day i found out i was pregnant i was so happy i started crying. i had the worst pregnancy too. premature labor, i was scared to death. i prayed and prayed for my daughter to be okay. i prayed she would be able to breath on her own and that she would be healthy. when i gave birth to lyndsey the first feelings i felt was love, such a strong rush of love, then happiness, then joy, then worry. i remember saying out loud threw my tears and shaky voice " she is beautiful" for the split second i was able to see her before they rushed her into the other room. i was crying so hard scared worring if she was okay. i couldnt tell you how many drs where in the room, what they looked like, or any of their names, all i could think about was my daughter and if she was okay. they brought her back into me handing me her telling me she was just fine. i remember kissing her tiny little head thanking god she was okay. and finally feeling like i could finally relax and breath. months went by. i never and i mean NEVER thought lyndsey couldnt see, my dad used to call her crazy eyes because her eyes went all over the place. i mentioned to her dr that her eyes never stayed in one spot. he told me he thought it was just weak eye muscles but wanted to get it checked out anyways. i prepared myself for the thought that she might need an eye patch or baby glasses. i went into the eye drs exam room and he took one quick look in both of lyndseys eyes with a light and magnifying glass looked at me and said "lyndsey has optic never hypoplasia and may never be able to see" i dont even think i had time to comprehend what he said before tears streamed down my face, and every word he spoke after that was like lstening to someone speak another language. i remember looking at james for answers and his face was blank. i couldnt stop crying i cried the whole way home, all night and all the next day worring about her and her future. at first i thought god was punishing me for something i had done wrong, yelling at him saying she was just a innocent baby that she didnt deserve this. i remember blaming myself, thinking i messed up some where down the line when i was pregnant. i felt cheated, i felt like i was being cheated and that lyndsey was being cheated out on life. after the constat crying, i just didnt want to cry anymore, i found a few support pages on facebook to help me, i met a great friend named erika who shared the same thoughts and feelings as i did. she helped the constant crying slow. everyone i knew tried to be positive telling me they knew how it feels and that there for me and that they understood, but the truth is. no one will understand how bad it hurts how helpless you feel when you find out something is wrong with your own child. my dad told me i need to be thankful that thats all that is wrong with lyndsey and trust me i am thankful, because there is always a lot worse. but being thankful for it not being worse then just being blind dosnt take away from the hurt and the wanting of her to be able to see. but the main reason i cried was because i know lyndsey and she is such a wonderful happy little girl who doesnt deserve this, she deserves to be able to see, i cried cuz she will never know what i look like. i cried for me, for her and then cried some more. every day gets a little more easier to block out the crying but the hurt never goes away. lyndsey is behind developmentally because of her not being able to see. so when people boast about their kids walking or clapping their hands or something simple like giving them a kiss my heart breaks a little, it doesnt mean im not happy about their kids accomplishing something because i am, im very happy for them. but i get a little sad because lyndsey simply cant. i get sad when people talk about their childrens favorite tv shows because once again lyndsey cant watch tv. but more then anything i hate when people go to talk to lyndsey and i mention shes blind, people say "im so sorry " but theres nothing to be sorry about,  hate all the wispers and questions i get. i dont want lyndsey to be noticed as just blind, i want her to be noticed by her. play dates are another thing i stray from because its not fun for lyndsey. she doesnt like loud noises and everything scares her. its not that im avoiding anyone. every day i am worried for lyndseys future. i still cry a lot. i cant stop for a second and think about it tho because that one second i take to really think about lyndsey i cry hard and it consumes me, so i keep pushing and take everything day by day.