User talk:Jordyn.seidman/sandbox

Peer Review for Article Draft of #AmINext:

1st sentence: Need to add "to" - Holly Jarrett in order to call attention to the high rate

need a comma: women, and demand for this investigation was reignited following the death of Fontaine.

This phrasing is a bit awkward: The campaign received widespread coverage across Canada following its launch, as the public was familiarized with the details of the Fontaine case. I suggest you rearrange the sentence structure.

I think you should add a citation to this sentence or just link to the data: As of March 2016, the petition on Change.org has received over 351,000 signatures. I would add commas in this sentence: In February of 2014, Loretta Saunders an Inuit woman and the cousin of Holly Jarrett was murdered by her tenants over rent money. I would write it: In February of 2014, Loretta Saunders, an Inuit woman and the cousin of Holly Jarrett, was murdered by her tenants over rent money.

You don't need a comma in this sentence: Critics of the campaign point out that #AmINext focuses on potential victims of Indigenous violence, but does not commemorate or acknowledge those who had already become victims of the phenomenon. You need to add a comma in this compound sentence before "and": Sarah Raineville was the first social media user to use #ImNotNext in order to avoid encouraging a culture of victimhood and since then, other social media users have attempted to focus on the empowerment of Indigenous women.

Overall, your article is well written and you have added a lot of useful content. Amyer23 (talk) 21:33, 27 March 2017 (UTC)

Hi, Jordyn! Really well done. You did a fantastic job organizing this and writing with authority. The article is significantly improved with your additions. A few suggestions: In the first paragraph: "The campaign was created in response to *the* deaths of..." Also, I struggled with the end of the following sentence: "For over a decade...*and demand for this investigation was reignited following the death of Fontaine.*" I might add in a "the" before demand, since I was reading demand as a verb that the activists do (if that makes sense). I might even make that sentence two sentences, starting with "Demand for this investigation" as its own sentence. Agreed that you need to cite the number of signatures. Very interesting opening. You cover relevant material and summarize the topic well. I was immediately pulled in and wanted to read on. Second paragraph: You need to add commas in the first sentence: "...February of 2014, Loretta Saunders, an Inuit woman and the cousin of Holly Jarrett, was murdered..." Can you elaborate on the goal of the campaign? Is it to try to get people to understand that they could be the next ignored group? To value all demographics? To care about something even though it isn't directly affecting them? Third paragraph: you don't need the second "of" before "refusing" in the first sentence. This section is SO interesting and really frightening. Fourth paragraph: You need a comma after the December 8th date. Fifth paragraph: I love that you include criticisms—great way to keep the article balanced and all-encompassing. Really nice job! Siboyle (talk) 19:26, 29 March 2017 (UTC)

Instructor Comments
Excellent work, Jordyn. Thorough, engaging, encyclopedic tone... Great job incorporating copyedits and thinking ahead to making sure the article is well-integrated into the Wikipedia network using related articles and hyperlinks. We can talk more about this at our meeting if you'd like. One small thing: I found it a bit hard to follow the progression of events in the first paragraph after the introduction. Even though you introduce all 3 of the important women's names and their relationships to one another in the intro, so much other information is presented by the end of the intro that it needs re-stating in the next paragraph. You do this fine with the cousins, but the Fontaine introduction seems a bit abrupt. Maybe do something like the following: "Following the death of [another aboriginal women] Tina Fontaine in September of 2014, Jarrett decided to found the #AmINext campaign..." Have you heard back from Adam yet about the citation? I can reach out if not. Once that's in there, it's ready to move over whenever you want! Typically, the Wiki Ed folks recommend moving your sections over in chunks to reduce the risk of having it deleted by jumpy editors. However, I don't think you really run that risk since the talk page hasn't been active since 2015 and your work is so on point. --Jmstew2 (talk) 02:54, 4 April 2017 (UTC)