User talk:Jsumera/sandbox

Hi there, Nice work on your article evaluation. Can you add just a bit more content for context next to your sector and area article selections? Keep it up! -Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 00:30, 8 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Shraddha's Peer Review
Hi Julia!

Here's my feedback for the points you make in your area section: Overall, great content! It's definitely important to address that even among the overall Asian-American population, Filipino populations under-utilize mental health resources. Your sentences are neutral and to-the-point, which is great! I would maybe suggest adding some statistics to those sentences though, just to add context and evidence. Maybe go to the sources you cite and pull the numbers from there.

For the section in immigration, I would consider re-writing the last 2 sentences you want to add. You have a phrase "This may be because of a stronger ethnic identity," which can be interpreted as opinionated and more essay-like rather than encyclopedic. You could rephrase it to say that "[Name of Author in Citation] suggests that Filipino-American immigrants report lower rates of depression than US-born Filipino Americans because of a stronger sense of ethnic identity." In addition, perhaps the lower rates of depression could be attributed to the fact that Filipino-American immigrants are less likely to REPORT incidences of depression or mental illness, due to the high amount of stigma that surrounds the topic (ties into the sense of ethnic identity). Maybe see if you can find an article that backs this up! I think it would be a great addition to your edits! :)

Here's my feedback for the points you make in your sector section: I think you could make your first sentence a bit more concise. "Hospitals are generally supportive of free clinics because they help lighten the burden: hospital practitioners are able to steer patients with minor concerns to free clinics, allowing them to concentrate on more serious and time-consuming ER visits". Your second addition looks great though! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Shraddhapandey2021 (talk • contribs) 20:01, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Alma's Peer Review
Hello Julia,

I have read your proposed drafting and thing you are adding a lot of good content. I really like the organization you have on your page. As I am not part of the Filipino culture I can not identify and can not judge on the situation but I can provide feedback on how you present your work on the articles you have chosen and can see how the subject matter is important.

You hav great content and I can distinguished between the are and sector which is great. I would agree with the previous person that suggests using stats or any facts like that because more people tent to pay more attention once they see numbers and especially on a serious topic like mental health. At first I was confused about what came after your preceding text or if your addition was going to be the end of the paragraph but I went to the wikipedia article and saw that it is very undeveloped and now have a better idea as to why you are just adding to the article. One question I had was that if you are creating new subsections under the first portion of area since you have depression: suicide: or if it was going to just be a whole paragraph with the preceding text.For the second part in which you add the definition of Filipino-Americans and how they face discrimination sentence can come before the part that is in bold and then continue with the rate of depression sentence. I really enjoyed the part on Hiya I personally do not know of this work and I think its a great addition.

For the sector part I really liked how you bolded and then regular font was put into one paragraph as if it was included in the article and then you specifically said addition after 4th sentence. If you can do the same for the second paragraph that would be very helpful. For the part you say most hospitals are supportive maybe try combining it with the previous sentence of just put it with your first sentence you are adding since that kind of states how hospitals are supportive of free clinics. maybe include stats on ratio of doctors volunteers to patients or state hw many people the free clinic serves approximately. Almahern (talk) 20:56, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Responding to Peer Review
Shraddha's Suggestions: Hi Shraddha, thanks for the great feedback! Looking at the suggestion to add more context and statistics: a lot of my sources don't have specific statistics except for their own experiment/research that they are writing about. Through meta-studies and literature reviews, a lot of the specific statistics gets summarized with sentences like the ones I've written, saying that different studies show that Filipino-Americans have higher rates of depression. Thanks for the suggestions on how to re-write my sentences to sound less opinionated and more concise! I'll definitely do that.

Alma's Suggestions: Hi Alma, thank you for the awesome feedback! For this: one question I had was that if you are creating new subsections under the first portion of area since you have depression: suicide: or if it was going to just be a whole paragraph with the preceding text. I wasn't sure if I was going to separate it into different sections, the whole section called "mental illness" is so undeveloped that I was wondering if I should just do the text in two separate paragraphs or make different subsections underneath. Any suggestions? For this suggestion: "maybe include stats on ratio of doctors volunteers to patients or state hw many people the free clinic serves approximately." Yes, it depends on each clinic but I can look through the literature to see if I can add statistics on doctors/patients or how many patients each clinic serves!

Jsumera (talk) 21:49, 11 April 2019 (UTC)