User talk:KALeone/sandbox

Draft feedback
Phbrownacmorg (talk) 05:54, 29 November 2018 (UTC)
 * + Lots of good material, well organized!
 * - Still a little short (I see 1,156 words).
 * + Stub material imported and integrated&mdash;good!
 * + Contributions from all three team members: good!
 * Suggestions for improvement:
 * Tone needs to be more neutral. Your account has an anti-colonial (and anti-clerical, incidentally) slant which isn't always borne out by the facts you recount.  Neither the human costs of colonialism (in particular extermination and enslavement of native peoples) nor the human costs of indigenous practices (such as cannibalism and incessant warfare) really need embellishment.  You also have at least one opposition between an unnamed bishop (surely his name is known!) and Manuel da Nóbrega, without happening to mention that Nóbrega was in fact Fr. Manuel da Nóbrega, a prominent Jesuit priest&mdash;so what at first glance appears to be a dispute between the depraved churchman and the enlightened secular figure turns out actually to be a dispute between two ranking churchmen.
 * There are points at which the meaning is unclear. Three examples:
 * How does the discovery of Caeté pottery provide evidence of their survival? We have pottery from a lot of extinct peoples, after all.
 * What does it mean to say that intermarriage produced "the first Brazilians"? In what sense were the native peoples not Brazilians?  In what sense were the Portuguese settlers (particularly those after the first generation) not Brazilians?  (In other words, you've opened a whole can of worms about national identity with that statement; I have to wonder if you wouldn't be happier leaving it closed. &#9786;)
 * How did Fr. Nóbrega "make an effort to pass" a law on slavery? Was he part of the government? Did he lobby for it?  What happened there?  (The opposition part is easier to understand.)
 * Grammar and diction mistakes undercut your credibility. I can show you some examples in class tomorrow, and the Writing Center can help as well.