User talk:Kalonga

WORDS I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SAID.

It all started with a voice of conscience, mighty with its unwavering wisdom Saying “let the truth out, stand your ground, yours is the gift of freedom” Forty days today, against everything that stands for sensitivity, self-preservation, happiness Deep within the hollowness of suicide, oblivion, dumbness or merely just an act of carelessness I let the truth out, the big secrete, the acknowledgement of the consequences I was yet to bear I let it out, my confession, both in writing and in speech, then my world fell apart right there. And since then day and night, each longer than a lifetime, though harder I tried could not sleep No matter how hungry could not eat, though harder I looked, could not find a moment of peace As mixed feelings of hate, pain, shame, despair, remorse in a rhythm struck me without slowing, Going on and on with every breath I took, every heartbeat and every pulse of my blood flowing.

Constantly making me relive all the painful events of how it began, all happening not in this world but in another, not known and impossible to understood by any wise man, yet that I have come to know and understand and very well I do because there alone, in the midst of everything so beautiful at first, the tall trees, the big shinning lake, the vast fields of roses, the clear sky, the birds chirping, the love, the joy and the freedom in the atmosphere I stood, in my right hand very well concealed, a glowing ball of truth, truth of a secrete crime. Suddenly then the ball grew sharp spikes and started to prick my palm, it starts to prick harder and the growing pain, with every thought of my mind, travels through my body and with the energy of forty million volts shocks my heart, at the same time the growing fear of the consequences of letting this ball go gnawing at my mind. But the intense shots of pain to my heart overwhelm the fear in my mind, and I swung my arm with mighty strength and thrust the ball in the air… And in a flash of light, in a blink of an eye and before I could even get the next breath, the next heartbeat or the next thought after releasing the ball, the trees, the lake, the birds, the sky, the horizon and everything in this unknown world disappeared, except for this ball of truth that spun and levitated as it grew bigger and bigger in size right in front of me, the ground of all this world around me fell and caved in leaving only a very small piece where my feet were clustered and stood on, then some thick black liquid gathered up and filled all the hollowness that the fallen ground left up to the edges of the little piece of the ground I stood on, it was like I was standing on the middle of a black watered ocean with no horizon and no sky. Before I could even realize that I could not take a step forward or backward or to either one of my sides, that I was trapped and my fate was sealed to stand on this small piece of the ground. The ball of truth had already grown so big and its spikes more sharper and pointed, a string then grew from it and shot upwards into the darkness and attached itself to whoever knows what. Then the ball supported by its string swung right at me, and struck me, making every part of me feel like it’s been struck by forty thousand lightening, then the spiky ball bounced off me like a tennis ball off the wall. Having no shield to protect myself, trapped and no way to dodge or duck, hopelessly I watched as the string swung the ball back again, striking and bouncing off me once again and this went on and on with each next strike more intensely painful, that I cry only with my heart, the spikes that crushed into me did not hurt my physical body, but my soul. And as the swinging, the crushing and the bouncing of the ball into me continued, my soul bleed from head to toe, the blood dripping and flowing into the black thick liquid and its smell began to draw numerous shark like creatures from underneath the liquid on to the surface, but these creatures were not alive, I could see right through them, the hunger and the thirst for my soul’s blood, deep within their souls, and they all swam closer surrounding me, snaring and jarring their sharp pointed teeth, patiently waiting, like vultures for a patched animal to pass out, waiting that the striking ball knocks me off my feet in to the black thick liquid. Then suddenly in flashes, the creature’s faces started switching with human faces and back to those of the creatures again and again so fast, like a thousand pages flipped in your face within a second, and the same happens with the creature’s loud snares switching with human voices back and forth. And as I began to capture and recognize the human faces and voices, my mind, for a moment drifted from this desolate place to forty days ago, in the trial house right after my confession, my hands and legs bound by heavy chains, standing inside a box, in front of an angry crowd, the angry jury, the angry prosecutors and the angry judge on the other side, all of them chanting my sentence and condemning me to hell. Then the crushing of the spiky ball broke this reverie and back I was in this desolate world staring at the creatures on the surface of the black liquid, and somehow the creature’s faces permanently replaced with the human frowning and angry faces of the judge, the jury and everybody who was present that day, the snares replaced by their loud angry voices and the ball just continued swinging, striking and bouncing off me, everything in this world working against me except for the little piece of the ground I stood on and the memory of the voice of conscience that asked me to stand firm. All this was the torments of my mind as I lay alone locked up in this windowless dark room, for forty days and forty nights, all this of every moment of each day and night, my head pounding louder than my fast beating heart. But something different happened today in this agonizing world of mine, the string and the spiky ball vaporized into the darkness, the creature’s faces along with those of the humans disappeared into the liquid, both the snares and the voices went quiet, then the black thick liquid turned into fine clean water, and up ahead I could see a new horizon, in front of it vast land with plenty of life of assorted plants and animals, more beautiful than any I have ever seen, the atmosphere filled with beautiful songs of birds. Behind the horizon, was the sun rising and magnificently lit up the sky, a sight so marvelous worth a lifetime stare. I turn my head and look back for one last time and I see the damage that’s been done, the damage to my heart, to my soul, the lost strength, the lost trust, the lost freedom. I turn my head and look forward, as I stood still on my little ground, as the horizon drew itself closer and closer towards me, I could feel an accelerating birth of healing to my heart and soul, new strength, new hope, new freedom, new life. And with love and joy, I write to all, be honest, for the virtue of truthfulness is the birth of freedom, the sweet fruit of knowledge and wisdom, an act of nobility as well as humility, an indelible mark of personality and identity, and the gait of the bold and the brave.

May 2012
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