User talk:KendrickLorSoc205/sandbox

Group 19! This entry on Troy Duster is looking really great! 2601:282:8200:5A1D:4887:E6E9:9561:72D0 (talk) 04:26, 14 October 2016 (UTC)loripeek

Troy Duster Heading - This section seems ok, but all the sentences start off with he. I would like to see this be changed up a bit as a reader to avoid any redundancy. Also the last sentence about the family member seems pretty alone, maybe adding it to the paragraph or elaborating. Mmrkacek (talk) 04:34, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

Career Heading - This section obviously is going to have a lot to talk about. The paragraph though is too bulky and I tend to lose my place when reading. I feel like making a few bulleted list would help break this up nicely. For example, his scholarly journals/articles could have 15 bullets to recognize all of his works instead of the use of "etc." Also would be great for the books he wrote followed by their descriptions Mmrkacek (talk) 04:40, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

Education Heading - The part talking about Duster changing his major confused me a bit. I feel it could be worded differently for a better flow. If it is the university I am familiar with - NorthWestern should instead be Northwestern - no capital w. If Troy graduated from Northwestern I don't think it would be considered a transfer to a different university, just acceptance into a different program elsewhere. It may make sense to split Northwestern into one paragraph and UCLA into another.Mmrkacek (talk) 04:54, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

References Heading - The references do not direct back to the article itself therefore I was unable to tell which resource went to which facts.Mmrkacek (talk) 04:56, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

Hello Group 20! This is Ashton Berne from group 19. You all put a lot of work into this article thus far. It definitely shows! I have three suggestions. First, I would recommend possibly putting links to each of the awards under the award header (These links could be to the award website or another wiki entry about the award). Additionally, the paragraphs seem a little long. I would try to break them up into smaller paragraphs so that the information is not so overwhelming. Lastly, the education paragraph sounds like a long list of events in chronological order. For this, you could create a timeline and have a paragraph below that explaining it further. Hope this helps!! Great work!! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Arberne (talk • contribs) 04:59, 14 October 2016 (UTC) 

Hi Group 20! This is Cameron McWilliams from Group 19. This article is looking very nice and well put together. What I would suggest is make sure to proof read your paragraphs for minor grammar issues. Other than that my friends above me have already covered everything else I was going to suggest. I can tell you guys worked hard on this article. I am excited to see what the final product will look like. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Csm13 (talk • contribs) 12:11, 14 October 2016 (UTC) 

What up Group 20, Troy Duster sounds like a pretty interesting and important guy so I think his name should be in a bold heading using = Troy Duster = at the very top of your page so the it catches the readers attention then have an overview section after explaining his life details. This article is well written but I would agree that it could be broken up with some bulleted items. One more thing you could do is add links to your websites right after your information for easier access to resources for curious readers who would like to see where your information is from. This article is shaping up very nicely and I can tell you have taken your time to investigate Troy Duster's life. P.S. Northwestern University is correctly spelt like this. Have a great weekend and good luck with the rest of this article!! Kdhazel (talk) 21:10, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

Feedback
Nice start on your article draft.

You need to add inline references. Every statement should be directly connected with a supporting citation. You need links to other articles, so that readers can learn more about terms they might be unfamiliar with. You need to break up your paragraphs - the entire "Career" section is a single paragraph, which makes it difficult to read. The "Education" section needs to be broken up as well. The awards section needs to be formatted properly.

The lead section needs expanding. Please see pages 7-9 of the Editing Wikipedia brochure. You should have received a hard copy from your instructor, but just in case, I have linked to it above. (If you reply to this message here, please include  in your response, to ensure that I see your reply.) Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 20:30, 28 October 2016 (UTC)

--Response--

Thank you everyone for your feedback! We will take your suggestions into consideration and will be working to have our article be edited to have it at its best! — Preceding unsigned comment added by KendrickLorSoc205 (talk • contribs) 00:30, 8 November 2016 (UTC)

Please stop moving this draft
Troy Duster already exists as an article. We do not need two articles about Duster. Please make changes to the existing article. Primefac (talk) 17:47, 1 December 2016 (UTC)