User talk:Khaboninajoy/sandbox

Khabo,

Overall, your article is looking pretty solid. I think you did a good job of explaining your topic in an accessible way. However, I do have some edits.

First paragraph I would work on the lead a bit. I get what you are trying to say here but it just a reads a bit choppy. I would also bold the topic of the article in the first sentence. In the second sentence, the use of emphasizes and focus is a bit redundant. I also think the second and third sentences are a bit contradictory. In addition to these edits, I would also add more citations and links to the first paragraph.

Second paragraph I think added a subhead before the second paragraph would be a great addition to your article. In the second sentence, it should be that focused instead of focusing. Watch out for biased language or sweeping statements. In addition to these edits, I would also add more citations and links to the first paragraph.

Third paragraph The first sentence is choppy and I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to say after the semicolon. Also I think the use of the term white feminism sounds biased. Is there someone who said this specifically that you can attribute that term to? I would also revise the fourth sentence. I really like all of the information about the various black, lesbian organizations. However, I think it would be better if you put a subhead before this. In addition to these edits, I would also add more citations and links to the first paragraph. Haadiza (talk) 01:54, 20 April 2018 (UTC)


 * Hello! Thank you so much for all of your recommendations and clarification (in class)!I have made the edits about a subheading, reorganizing the first paragraph, fixing the second and third paragraph issues. However, I did not find nor add more sorces because Dr. Marsan said I had good citations

Khaboninajoy (talk) 00:22, 24 April 2018 (UTC)

Peer Review
Khabo this was a beautifully written first draft. It felt as if I was reading something from a history textbook. I liked that you explored lesbian feminism and how its policy and practices resulted in the creation of black, lesbian feminism. There was a great use of historical facts and notable organizations. In addition, I appreciated your forward definition of what “Black, lesbian feminism” is. I can’t wait to see your final version!

I only have a few suggestions to your first draft:

-I would link the “lesbian feminists” to a wiki page to make it more distinct that you are exploring this topic and the resulting creation of Black, lesbian feminism. -“Additionally, some lesbian feminists were involved in Black power movements…” This would be a great place to cite someone. Who was involved? -I would potentially take out the phrase “less popular” in the last sentence of the second paragraph. It may seem like you’re making an argument. -“Several black, lesbian feminists confronted a group of white, lesbian feminists” This would be another place to add names and organizations to make the point more notable. Chloe asmith (talk) 20:50, 20 April 2018 (UTC)


 * Thank you Chloe and Haadiza! I really appreciate the feedback and will defending be making those changes

Khaboninajoy (talk) —Preceding undated comment added 18:30, 23 April 2018 (UTC)


 * Thanks Chloe for the sweet compliments and suggestions! I have lesbian feminists highlighed/ linked. For the suggestions specifically pertaining to the vague "some"s in my article, I have not fixed them YET but hopefully Sherri can help me!Khaboninajoy (talk) 00:22, 24 April 2018 (UTC)