User talk:Kimdo1/sandbox

Area: Environmental issues in Hawaii

For the introduction paragraph. I think it would perhaps be better to lead with your second sentence: "The majority of environmental issues affecting Hawaii today are related to pressures from increasing human and animal population and urban expansion both directly on the islands as well as overseas."

I think this is the pull of the article as a whole, and should be what the reader is first drawn into. You bring up the points very well, I just think it may be better to make it the immediate focus of attention.

Really great job hyperlinking relevant articles. You have a ton of information but you do a great job of bringing in the already-existing wiki articles that are relevant.

Wording of this sentence is a bit confusing: "Unique at this site of both microplastic and meso-plastic abundance, geologists found plastic-infused rocks called “plastiglomerates” which are expected to become a part of the fossil record"

For the tourism section, you may want to consider detailing the causes related to tourism which lead to the different resource depletions/waste accumlations that you discuss. Might also be worht briefly touching on what ecotourism is/how it can prevent these issues.

"Invasive species are non-native organisms that are introduced, often by humans, to an ecosystem and causes economic, environmental, and human health harm" — Maybe split this sentence up into 2 just so that it is easier to read.

In the "Invasive Species" section, you may want to expand on the accidental means by which they are introduced as well.

Overall, your tone in this article thus far is very straighforward and well-developed. You have a lot of information and you are bringing forward some really great points!

Sector: Environmental Education

This sentence is a bit confusing and long-winded: "Although the environmental education curriculum has well-established essential subjects in conservation within academia, executive director of the Ocean Conservation Society Charles Sayan in a Yale Environment 360 interview, the university’s Forestry & Environmental Studies digest, discusses his new book The Failure of Environmental Education (And How We Can Fix It)."

This part of a sentence doesn't quite make sense to me. Maybe consider rewording: "Sayan critiques environmental education for not “keeping pace with environmental education”"

Your addition to "Obstacles" is a good point and credible thought to bring up.

“First world” takes on the responsibility of helping developing countries to combat environmental issues produced and prolonged by conditions of poverty poverty" Take out the second poverty.

Maybe want to consider adding hyerlinks to this artcile as well. You do a great job in your area, and there are plenty of opporutnities in you sector to do it also!

Overall, really great job! Your work is really well developed and is coming togther nicely!

Ajs426 (talk) 00:20, 20 March 2018 (UTC)

Environmental Issues in Hawaii

 * I like your expansion of the introduction, which is really minimal in the article itself.
 * Make sure you have sources for your addition to the water quality section
 * I think you could paraphrase the definition of marine debris, or even go into less detail on it. You do link the article there, so if people need an extensive definition, they can just click on the link to the page. It makes the first sentence of that paragraph perhaps a little clunky.
 * I'd suggest going through and making sure to change phrasing where you say "much of" or other ambiguous enumerations: i.e. garbage in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, "from which much of the debris eventually finds its way...". If you can cite an academic source that says much of the debris does end up there, or include quantitative estimates for how much, that'd make it more encyclopedic and neutral.
 * The last paragraph of Plastic consumption: "in which a pattern of white plastics were found to have been consumed."
 * For the Tourism section: "Tourism in Hawaii began" or "Tourism in Hawaii was sparked in" the 19th century... (one or the other would flow better)
 * For Tourism section: "A 2013 study of five tourism sectors "in" Hawaii" (sorry nit picky)
 * for the Tourism section, the sentence detailing percentages of aspects of Hawaii for which the tourism industry is responsible (i.e. total energy consumption, island-wide water consumption, island-wide waste generation) is interesting, but would be more useful and impactful if it was used in a comparison, and shown as significant. I.e. perhaps comparing it to how much other industries contribute to these island-wide metrics, or comparing it to how tourism impacted these metrics before the boom. It would give these numbers more weight.
 * I like your edit to Invasive Species!

Environmental Education
For your edits to Obstacles, I believe perhaps it's a typo that Sayan critiques "environmental education for not 'keeping pace with environmental education'", one of those perhaps is environmental action? Or are they both environmental education?
 * There's a sentence in the Obstacles section of the article that says that greater efforts must be made that I think should probably be taken out? It's making a claim or pushing an agenda that isn't very encyclopedic.
 * For Implementation of Environmental Education in the Global South: Definitely add a few more sources for sentences stating things or making claims. If all of these sentences and new information is from the same source, perhaps try to find other sources that can corroborate what's said, to diversify where you're getting the information from.
 * For Implementation: breaking down the information in this section a little more and perhaps explaining a few of the concepts more in depth would help with clarity. It's a little hard to grasp what exactly is happening in the Global South as a result of Environmental Education Implementation. I do like that you juxtaposed the global North's sentiments with the issues facing the global South, but making it more clear throughout this section what you're trying to get across would be beneficial.

Overall Notes
Make sure all of the sentences and even some of your phrases have sources, since people might wonder where this information is coming from (i.e. US army dumping 16,000 mustard gas bombs in deep water). I really like that you added a tourism section, and I think it adds a lot of valuable information to the article. There are certainly a few typos that will be easy to catch if read over perhaps with a fresh eye (particularly edits proposed for Environmental Education), but some really great points and perspectives brought into these articles that was definitely lacking, and you clearly did extensive research and incorporated many voices into your article edits. Gsakoda (talk) 07:06, 20 March 2018 (UTC)