User talk:Kmartyr

The Legend Of Chiefson

The following is a story of creation as told by an ancient Native American tribe, the Scisco. (Some details may have been lost through the oral passing on of this story) Often the Great Spirit would walk across the plains of Cilash admiring the beauty of his creations. He was proud of his work, very proud. “If only,” He would sometimes wish, “I had someone to share this land with. If there were someone else to look upon this land and realize what splendid work.” Now the other half of the world was occupied by another Spirit one who constantly argued with him and wanted to have total control of nature. The Great Spirit and the other Spirit would do battle stealing parts of nature. Whenever the Great Spirit got control of Brother Sun, the other spirit would steal the moon, and as soon as the Great Spirit got the moon back the other spirit would manage to sneak the sun away from him. These cycles were later called moons by the future inhabitants of Sister Earth. “I come bearing news,” She informed the Great Spirit, “I have given birth to these really weird things that look like monkeys. They seem to posses an unnatural power.” “Excellent,” the Great Spirit remarked, “Where are they that I may use them in my battle against the other spirit. Surely with such power I could have control of the sun for many moons.” “Actually, I created them in the deep jungles of Africa, so the other spirit has them.” Said now Mother Earth, “But do not fear Sister Frost snuck them north and will bring them across a bridge of ice into your control. The animals will then lead them to you.” And so Humans migrated over the Yucatan Peninsula and arrived in the north area of the Americas. Some Indian tribes spread southward while still others stayed north exploiting their power over nature. The humans split into factions, or tribes. The tribes had only begun to settle when the civilizations in the other half were learning how to use their power and training. The people had not moved fast enough and although the Great Spirit now had a strong culture his people did not have technology half as strong as that of the other spirit’s people. “I must select a tribe,” he thought, “one that can build things to control nature herself.” It was on the next day that he consulted the medicine men of each tribe. He informed them that he would have a contest to see which tribe was most fit to control and avoid being controlled by nature herself. One tribe, the tribe of the Scisco had grown in favor of the Great Spirit, but he needed to defend his shores from the other spirit’s people for he had been informed by Mother Ocean that the other spirit’s people were coming by sea. And so the Scisco traveled to the shores of what is now New Jersey and New York, and settled down preparing to meet these trespassers. While in New Jersey the Scisco discovered a powerful tool they called it LSD. It made the very nature of humans and everything change before their eyes. If the medicine man of the Scisco had not been addicted to LSD maybe the Great Spirit’s instructions to kill the trespassers would not have been misinterpreted. When the other spirit’s people arrived, a tribe called the Dutch, they were warmly greeted by the Scisco. A man known as Chief began to make bargains with the Dutch. He was enthralled by the intricate patterns sewn into the pants of the Dutch. They had the ability to camouflage with their surroundings. “Surely the Great Spirit would not object to us obtaining such power. I’ll trade for them.” And so Chief traded for 3 pairs of green camo-pants, one to wash in each of the three rivers. Chief valued these pants so highly that he was willing to trade the whole continent for them, even a funny rock in the west that looked like a teapot. And so he traded all the Great Spirit’s land to the other spirit’s people. A large war broke out when the Great Spirit told his people to refuse to give up the land. Eventually the other spirit’s people settled in the west and then began to reach west for more land. Several moons passed but soon the land was entirely under the control of the Europeans as they called themselves, and the family of Chief, who was now long deceased kept the pants. Now it just happened that one generation after another all the male descendants retained the name Chiefson as well as the typical Indian name as soon as they became of age. The Chiefson that we know today, the youngest in the generation, was born. At a young age he began to display signs of exceptional talent in mimicking animals. These were clear signs of a druid. He was most skilled at imitating a pig, to hide during a game of Indians and cowboys, and so when he came of age he was named General Squatting Pig. Although Chiefson displayed the skills necessary to become druid, but he wanted to be a medicine man, probably for the LSD but no one really knows. And so one day when the medicine man was out he snuck into his medicine house by pretending to be a pig. And there in the middle of the room on a marble pedestal it was. It was the symbol of power, the symbol of healing, and the symbol of the medicine men. There it was … the hand sanitizer. Chiefson snatched it up and began to use it to lather his hands. “Ah the feeling of Disinfectants!” he thought. Just then the door opened. It was the medicine man. He had forgotten the peace pipe. He was furious. And so Chiefson was Banish’ed from the Scisco tribe. He was placed on a ship made of cheese, a cheese ship; although many debate that it was a gravy boat. And so Chiefson was exiled to the cold artic to suffer and get slain by penguins, assuming of course that penguins are able to slay stuff. But they had forgotten about Chiefson’s druid abilities. He donned the skin of a dead penguin and while still wearing his camo pants he waddled around the artic pretending to be a penguin. When he finally reached Canada which is virtually the same thing as the U.S. He was called penguin man, which was quickly shortened to Penguin. He began designing the epic calculator games Hicquest and Destruction Man 2. This business however did not go well for Chiefson. He would have to try his luck elsewhere. “Yo K-dawg!” a Man called Johnny O said, “I heard there’s a big business in selling shirts with underlined vowels.” “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” retorted Chiefson. “But I’ll do it anyway.” Chiefson failed to succeed in this market as well. His most renowned underlined vowels shirt only sold one copy, to himself. It was a very stylish design he thought. He later found out that people did not like the fact that the capitalized vowels and the U in tour were not underlined like the rest. Once again Chiefson tried to find his way in the business world. He finally had a million-dollar idea, which made him many millions. Although it took many moons, Chiefson finally produced a video documentary on his struggles with the penguins. He filmed, wrote, produced, directed, recorded, marketed, distributed, and received an academy award as well as $17 billion for making a movie he titled Teh March of teh Penguins. Finally he could repurchase the land in the west with the weird teapot rock. “I could use a nice cup of tea” he said to his slave. The slave began to boil the teapot rock, the very same rock that was responsible for the Teapot Dome scandal, which Smokey did not get to do a report on. Finally a faint whistle was heard, as black oil bubbled out of the spout of the teapot rock. “General, Your tea is ready!” “Good! I have waited many moons!”

Disclaimer: Some info may stray from the facts but they are presented strictly as told.