User talk:Koo.b/sandbox

Hanalei's Peer Review
A lead section that is easy to understand

The lead in section provides a clear background on sleep deprivation and immediately includes the impact specifically on college students. The second sentence compares sleepiness in college students to post-college adults and continues to add stats on recommended hours of sleep, etc. The generic title, "sleep deprivation," was a bit misleading since your intro specifically included info about sleep deprivation in college students, and no other groups. Might be best to specify your Wikipedia page to sleep deprivation in college students so the audience knows what aspect of sleep deprivation you will be focusing on.

Does the lead give more weight to certain parts of the article over others? Is anything missing? Is anything redundant? No, the remainder of the Wikipedia page includes information about the causes and interventions of sleep deprivation with relation to specifically college students. Thus, the specification of college students in the intro parallels the entire article (excluding the generic title.)

A clear structure

-Are the sections organized well, in a sensible order? Would they make more sense presented some other way (chronologically, for example)?

The contents are ordered 1. effects 2. causes 3. interventions. I think it'd make more chronological sense to put the causes before the effects of sleep deprivation. This will make the order of causes --> effects --> what to change (interventions), makes for a much more clear timeline.

Balanced coverage

-Is each section's length equal to its importance to the article's subject? Subcategories "physical" and "academic" in effects are similar. Both categories can have more information added to them. For causes, there is a lot of good information about alcohol as a cause of sleep deprivation. It would be good if you could include more research and statistics in subcategories technology and caffeine. For caffeine, possibly include more specific research info about overconsumption of caffeine and the effects on sleep cycle and habits. For technology, good start to how phone light impacts sleep. Maybe include more research stats on that (ofc staying neutral)

"Sleep hygiene" as subcategory of "causes" and then alcohol, coffee, and technology as subcategories of the subcategory, sleep hygiene, is confusing. Did you mean for sleep hygiene to branch off into those 3 categories or as an intro into the 3 categories? Or did you mean to put sleep hygiene on the same level as those 3 causes... Clarify that, also might be my fault cus the degree of bold on here has small variety.

More information on "naps" category in intervention would make the amount of info compared to cognitive behavioral therapy and sleep courses more comparable.

Are there sections in the article that seem unnecessary? Is anything off-topic? No.

-Does the article draw conclusions or try to convince the reader to accept one particular point of view? No.

Neutral content

-Do you think you could guess the perspective of the author by reading the article? There's currently lots of information regarding alcohol and its impact on sleep deprivation, and limited information regarding coffee and technology. While you don't have a bias per say, it would be best if you incorporate similar amounts of info for all categories so one doesn't think you're focusing specifically on alcohol as root cause.

-Are there any words or phrases that don't feel neutral? For example, "the best idea," "most people," or negative associations, such as "While it's obvious that x, some insist that y." You can probably eliminate the word "simply" in the first sentence of the intro on sleep deprivation.

-Does the article make claims on behalf of unnamed groups or people? For example, "some people say..." No.

-Does the article focus too much on negative or positive information? Remember, neutral doesn't mean "the best positive light" or "the worst, most critical light." It means a clear reflection of various aspects of a topic. No.

Reliable sources

-Are most statements in the article connected to a reliable source, such as textbooks and journal articles? Or do they rely on blogs or self-published authors? Many reliable sources, many journal articles and health center pages. Includes journal of clinical sleep medicine, scientific reports, the sleep foundation, etc.

Overall

First, what does the article do well? The article clearly defines what information the page will detail. With the exception of the initial confusion based on the generic title, which can be solved with the easy fix of narrowing the affected population: college students, the content is clear, understandable, and concise. More information can be added to all categories but it's definitely a good start. The organization of the page makes sense, though as stated before it'd make more sense to put the effects of sleep deprivation after the causes. These are small changes that could make your page better.

Jenna Peer Review
Lead

- I would split your second sentence into two, putting a period after "institutions," then start with "Reportedly,"

- I think your lead really does a great job of explaining your topic and setting up the rest of your article for what you're going to talk about

- I like the use of the statistics because it sets up the overall relevance of the article

Academic Effects

- You might be able to condense this a little bit, just because you talk about the study in a lot of detail

Physical Effects

- First "effected" should be "affected"

- I think you could add a sentence explaining what exactly "vascular response to exercise were significantly affected" means, maybe specifically to performance in sports?

Causes

- I think you introduce sleep hygiene really well

- I think for the "Alcohol" section you did a really great job of hitting the main points and explaining how and why alcohol affects sleep

- You could probably introduce the "Technology" section a little more, but good information in it

- For "Caffeine," maybe just add a sentence relating it back to sleep

Interventions

- Brief sections, but I think you touch upon the main points

Overall your article was really good! I think you have a ton of great sources and you do a great job of concisely explaining the gist of sleep deprivation in college students. You could maybe add a picture, and just double check a few things for grammar, but other than that I don't think you need to make many major changes. I think the length is good, but in some of the shorter sections you could probably add a few sentences to just tie everything together. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Jgreen262 (talk • contribs) 17:59, 22 February 2018 (UTC)

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I echo many of the things your classmates note, Bon Jae, as the sections you have established for your draft article offer a good start at introducing the key aspects of this topic. One thing I noticed, however, is that sometimes your sentences are a bit too wordy and can be broken up into smaller declarative units (with a reference). Also, make sure to keep tone as neutral as possible--for example, this passage "Sleep deprivation is a major problem specifically for college students as it prohibits them from maximizing their success" sounds too biased/subjective.Amyc29 (talk) 03:53, 25 February 2018 (UTC)