User talk:KortClifford/sandbox

Nice re-wording of the lead sentence, KortClifford, but remember that last week's assignment was to add/reword a sentence and include a citation from the sources you compiled. Please make sure to complete this portion of the assignment ASAP! Gardneca (talk) 18:43, 14 October 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review
What you did well:

- The first sentence very well describes the article, and most of the lead is concise with it's language - No bias or persuasion and the information is shown in a neutral and factual way. - Sources are fairly current and come from trusted databases - Easy to differentiate subtopics in the lead and references most of the content contained within the following subtopics

What could use some work:

- the section '''The earthquake is also said to have been one of the key events that lead to the First Peloponnesian War, acting as a catalyst for the helots revolt against their Spartan enslavers. This is due to the fact that the revolt lead to Athenian troops being dispatched to support the Spartan soldiers, however when they arrived to Sparta they were turned away with little explanation seems a bit awkward and clunky, and could maybe be written a bit more descriptively and concisely like; The earthquake gave the helots an opportunity to revolt against the Spartans, and the Athenian's were called to their aid. Their immediate dismissal upon arrival is said to have been a key event that lead up to the First Peloponnesian War ''' - The last sentence in your lead contains information that isn't present in the rest of the article, perhaps adding that information and maybe a little extra to the 'effects' subtopic would be a good idea. :-)

Overall

You tidied up the lead very well and added sources that weren't present originally. It's very organized and quite easy to follow.

Heebeebeegee (talk) 16:12, 30 October 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review
In general:

-	Well cited

-	Good reconstruction of the lead

-	Neutral and factual

-	Sentence structure somewhat clunky

Points of focus: (direct quotes are bolded)

The 464 BCE Sparta earthquake occurred along the Sparta fault in the year 464 BCE

This is redundant. I would suggest reconfiguring the sentence to state the year once, such as “In 464 BCE an earthquake occurred along the Sparta fault line, destroying much of Sparta and surrounding City-States. This event is now known as the 464 BCE Sparta earthquake.”

'''The earthquake is also said to have been one of the key events that lead to the First Peloponnesian War, acting as a catalyst for the helots revolt against their Spartan enslavers[1]. This is due to the fact that the revolt lead to Athenian troops being dispatched to support the Spartan soldiers, however when they arrived to Sparta they were turned away with little explanation [2]'''

Instead of saying also, state the earthquake’s role in the war as its own point as the amount of information doesn’t allow the paragraph to flow. Also, incorporating the helot revolt into the sentence about the refusal of Athenian help may help the overall flow.

Overall: A well thought out lead that covers all topics discussed in the article, though slight sentence formatting is needed to keep things concise and clear. Justinian Sappadilli (talk) 04:17, 4 November 2019 (UTC)

Instructor Feedback
Thank you for your review, Heebeebeegee, you gave your peer a solid recommendation for improvement despite the short entry. Well done!

Thanks also to Justinian Sappadilli for additional comments, despite not being assigned this article for review, you've also added helpful areas of improvement!

KortClifford As you can see, you received two peer reviews due to some confusion with the assignments - but that means more feedback for you, which is a great problem to have! Both your reviewers make great suggestions for improvement, so please consider those and incorporate the changes. Watch your citation formatting too, there are a couple formatting errors. There is a lot more that can be added to this page as your contribution so far is relatively short - your main priority going forward will be to simply keep adding (lots more!) content to the page. I'm excited to see where this goes, and what the final product will look like! Please let me know if you have any questions, and reply to this comment when you have seen it with your plans and goals for improvement over the next month. Don't forget to tag me and sign with 4 tildes (~)! Gardneca (talk) 12:38, 6 November 2019 (UTC)

KortClifford please respond to your peer review ASAP, and add additional comments on the article you peer reviewed. Gardneca (talk) 00:40, 13 November 2019 (UTC)


 * My apologies KortClifford I see the additional suggestions you left on your reviewed article's page. Thank you! Now you just need to respond to the reviews that were left for you. Gardneca (talk) 00:43, 13 November 2019 (UTC)

Thank you all for the suggestions I have edited my article accordingly and hope I understood what you had suggested! I am also changing my references now before submitting it Professor Gardner — Preceding unsigned comment added by KortClifford (talk • contribs) 23:21, 5 December 2019 (UTC)