User talk:Kristenzima/sandboxdraft

I was unable to find which article your edit was a part of directly from your sandbox, but eventually discovered that it was "Gender Pay Gap in Sports." I think that you did a good job highlighting some important events/changes that have occurred in womens' efforts to make pay more equal and fair (ex. USWNT gender discrimination lawsuit). You gave several specific examples of salaries, lawsuits (I like how you specified accusations), and injustices. I feel that you used many well thought out transitions to make the article flow, such as "This was not the first time members..." In terms of changes, I have a couple suggestions. First, you could add examples of female athletes that have taken steps forward to oppose the pay gap, and add them after your first sentence like so: "Some professional female athletes have taken steps forward to oppose the pay gap, such as XXX and XXX" then link their Wikipedia articles. Secondly, citations should be placed after every sentence or every two sentences. There are a couple instances where you have more than two sentences without a citation to follow them. I did this in my article too, and will definitely change it. Thirdly, I feel like you may be able to paraphrase what you have in quotations. Quotations should be avoided whenever possible. In comparison to the full article, I feel that your contribution fits in well. After reading the article without your submission, I feel that your submission will diversify examples given and add depth to this particular section, as many are familiar with Title IX amendment, but not many are familiar with the struggles that lead up to it or still follow it. This section will certainly be longer than the section before and after it, but I do not think that is a bad thing. I think all of the sections need more information, especially the "Impacts" section in my opinion. I do think I could guess your perspective after reading your contribution, so I would reccommend adding opposing opinions, insight about how this pay gap originated, or why it has not been fully changed yet. Great Job! Sarahs02 (talk) 16:11, 1 December 2020 (UTC)

I think this was a great draft in your sandbox. It is well written, I couldn't find any grammatical errors. You also provide lots of evidence and facts, showing me specific womens salaries which I like. The only thing I recommend is you place more citations in your paragraph, it seems the citations are placed a little too far apart. Camrynli19 (talk) 21:50, 2 December 2020 (UTC)