User talk:Lilyzzf/sandbox article one

Peer Review
Dear Lily,

I really enjoyed your article. I think you’ve done a really good job thus far. A couple comments:

Lead
I think in general you have a really strong lead. I get what is going on and it's a major improvement from the original lead. Your last sentence is a bit redundant and could be more concise. You say: “Chinese mass surveillance has witnessed an increased spending, intensity, and coverage in recent years, covering various regions of the country.[2]” Unless you are trying to talk about coverage in two different ways in the sentence you could use coverage once.

Lily's update: fixed

Structure
I like your structure. Just a thought: the social credit system seems as if this is what all these other types of surveillance are used for. Otherwise, being watched feels to me like a violation of privacy, but doesn't have immediate implications.

''Lily's update: I think the social credit system is also a way in which the government surveillance is carried out, because it gives the government a more tangible idea of each individual. Thus, I think it's parallel to the other mechanisms.''

I think the recent developments section is a good idea.

A question I had while reading the Sex and Porn section: I thought it was interesting, but I'm curious why you consider it surveillance when it seems like people cannot access it at all if it is blocked on the internet.

Lily's update: Good point -- I will probably delete that section because I don't think it fits too well either.

Neutrality
I think this article does a really good job in remaining neutral on what can be a very controversial topic. I felt like I got the information and I could not guess where you come down on the issue. I also think you did a good job in using a wide variety of sources and do not rely too heavily on one.

For the Tibet section, you could talk a bit more about Tibetan reaction to these developments as we do get the motivations of the Chinese government, but we don't get much about how local people received these programs.

Lily's update: Good point -- added — Preceding unsigned comment added by Lilyzzf (talk • contribs) 03:03, 18 November 2018 (UTC)

Small Details
Additionally, “the system cannot work 24/7 non-stop, and will require reactivation in cases of extreme need.” Does this mean that the system is not always in use?

Lily's update: Yes, that's what it means.

“live a very convenient life” I think you could qualify this in terms of people with higher credit scores having a more convenient than those with lower credit scores. “Very” seems a bit biased.

Lily's update: fixed

A question I had was, for the European visa you mention, is the EU in participation with this program? Because is it not the host country that issues the visa and not the Chinese government?

''Lily's update: I think it is that those Chinese citizens with higher credit scores are prioritized in being reviewed and those with lower scores are later in the queue. So it probably doesn't require too much of the EU's participation but it should be aware.''

The amount of police officers stationed in Xinjiang is higher than elsewhere, given its low population density. I found this to be a bit confusing. Are you talking about the ratio of officers to population density? Or is there just a high amount in actual number?

Lily's update: It's the former; fixed

A couple things that aren’t super important, but I thought I would add just in term of line edits.

“from mouth to mouth”: I think the phrase is “By word of mouth”

In the late 20th century and 21st century, especially after the Chinese economic reform, as computer and Internet technology spread to China and were developed[5], more means of mass surveillance started to emerge. This is a bit wordy and I had to read it twice. You could split up the sentence.

“24/7 non-stop”; “groups of cadres”: This is a bit of redundant phrase

Lily's update: fixed everything

Thank you very much for your peer review, Sarah! All suggestions are really useful. Lilyzzf (talk) 23:33, 17 November 2018 (UTC) Lily

Schoe043 (talk) 06:11, 16 November 2018 (UTC)