User talk:Loisopal

ALL POINTS BULLETIN: MISSING CRIMINALS

Lauren Jennifer Mecham Gehrke, aka Fugly Su-lut, aka Crazy Biatch, was born September 10, 1984. She has a mother, a father, a sister, and a disembodied spirit that lives in her former basement. Sources say she and the disembodied spirit no longer have a relationship.

On June 15, 2007, Lauren was married to Steven "naked dance" Gehrke after a long standing internet-based relationship. At this point, the partner in crime couple took up residence in the Holladay area where streets are confusing enough to evade authorities. S. Gehrke was occasionally seen taking notes at small town city council meetings, posing as a reporter, but most likely seeking potential details of municipal leadership with which to frame and blackmail. L. Gerhke was also seen in near the city council premisis seeking nutrition. Her gaunt appearance and pizza sneaking has caused some authorities to question if L. Gehrke is actually in a starving hostage situation with S. Gehrke, but such speculation goes unconfirmed.

"Fugly" and "Naked Dance" currently have warrants out for their arrest, and recently appeared on America's Most Wanted.

They are charged with Aggravated Assault of Each Other in a Gushy-Romantic Way, Money Laundering, Extortion, and are suspects in a Missing Persons case regarding Jamal Abu-Chin, a migrant farmer/railroad worker/taxi driver, who was last seen caring for L. Gehrke at St. Marks Hospital. It is speculated that S. Gehrke was an accomplice in his disappearance, as he has a long history of raging jealousy and white guilt.

The two suspects are considered extremely dangerous, and anyone coming in contact with either Gehrke may shoot on sight. And should probably wash their hands.

Anyone with information on Lauren or Steve should contact the authorities at (801) 581 2788.