User talk:Lorraine.meriner/sandbox

Hi Lorraine, Great evaluation of the Suitcase Clinic article. You will definitely have your work cut out for you this semester! Can you tell me which area you would like to focus on? -Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 02:11, 8 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Angela's Peer Review
AngelaEJimenezP (talk) 07:54, 4 April 2019 (UTC) Hi Lorraine! Really great job with the content that you've drafted so far! I personally know nothing about TB and I felt the sections you added were really informative and you added new content to the existing paragraphs from the articles that enhanced the information provided. My only critique would be on the wording of certain phrases so that they can flow better.

For the sentence, "having the most TB cases of any country" if you were to provide a specific number or data that would enhance this sentence more as to how many cases are found in India.

The sentence, "A study of Delhi slums has correlated higher scores on the Human Development Index and high proportions of one-room dwellings tended to incur TB at higher rates." would flow better if you reworded it to, "A study on Delhi slums found one one-room dwellings incur TB at higher proportions and this correlates with higher scores on the Human Development Index". My questions for this sentence remains, what specific study? If you can tell us what study and the year of the study, that would be helpful! Also what score on the Human Development Index increased? TB cases? If so specify what score, since there's different categories the HDI covers.

The sentence, "Because the majority of TB cases are addressed by private providers, and because the majority of poor people access informal (private) providers, the RNTCP's goals for universal access to TB care have not been met." Since the previous sentence start with words like "while" and "lastly", perhaps rewording the sentence to fit a similar word choice would make it flow better such as: "Since the majority of poor people address their TB cases by informal (private) providers, the RNTCP's goals for universal access to TB care have not been met.

The sentences you started with, "indeed", "therefor", and "however" are very essay like and I would reword the sentences so that they either combine with the previous sentence or are reworded completely. For sure, try not to use them though because they are essay like.

Aside from rewording sentences, I feel your content is neutral and you provided citations for all of your sentences. I really like how you edited the flow of existing paragraphs! Great job!

Alma's Peer Review
I see you have changed from suitcase to PATH and like we have discussed in class you PE sounds super cool. I have read about TB and have learned a lot I didn't know about TB. I was also un are how prevalent it is in India and for the reasons you described. I believe that the addition you are adding is important for the reader to get a better understanding of what TB is.

I like how you formatted the previous parts on the wiki article and the addition that you have added. In addition, I like you crossed out stuff from the previous article that did not make sense or belonged there. All the addition is great. A question I had was in TB is is the area or the sector I can not differentiate maybe clarify. You adding stats like the 1% of private providers part is very impactful and if you can add more stats that would be great and make your article stronger.2607:F140:400:A01A:8845:212C:4951:A84D (talk) 02:15, 8 April 2019 (UTC)

Responding to Peer Review (Lorraine)
Dear Angela and Alma,

Thanks so much for your feedback :) I will respond to you each individually below.

Angela:

Thank you for helping me improve my wording and phrasing! This is something I generally have a hard time with, and found especially challenging in this assignment since we are to maintain the flow of the existing paragraph. I agree that adding a number to the sentence that addresses the high burden TB has on India would enhance the sentence. I mostly refrained from adding a statistic in this sentence because the rest of the paragraph (and the one that precedes it) is more word- than stats-heavy. Nonetheless, I hope to incorporate a quantity in that sentence - thank you for the suggestion. Regarding the next edit on the study of Delhi slums, I like that your edit focuses on the findings rather than the academia; the fact that I led with "correlated" in my version makes it seem to formal/ academic in my opinion. I like your edit. However, given that the other statistics in the existing paragraphs do not include in text citations on their statistics (as you had suggested I include), I am not sure if I should incorporate the study's name/ author. I think I will probably refrain from adding that information, mostly because the style of citation in this article is generally via footnote. Regarding your comment on the specific parts of the HDI that are addressed in the study, the article itself actually did not specify this. I understand why this may be confusing, though, and will see if I might be able to find more information on the specific indices. This will add more clarity/ specificity (hopefully in regards to TB or its antecedents) to the article - great suggestion! I appreciate your comments on how to start sentences. Starting sentences is something I generally have a hard time with; I feel that the words I use are quite awkward and, as you mentioned, very essay-like. I'm going to work on that! Thanks so much, Angela!

Alma:

Thanks for affirming my addition, and for sharing in my excitement about having confirmed a PE at PATH :) I am glad you were able to learn a bit more about TB from the article. Yeah, I felt like there were several parts of the article that didn't make sense grammatically/ content-wise. I felt a bit conflicted about deleting/ modifying that material at first, but I feel now that the edits have made the article more clear and readable. Thanks for noticing that! Yeah, I can clarify on TB being the Area or Sector - TB in India is the area because that's the specific context in which I will be working, whereas Sector is the RNTCP because that is the approach under which my PE (and most TB initiatives in India) operates. Thanks for suggesting that I add more statistics! I was feeling a bit conflicted about doing so because I feel like the existing article itself is not very number-heavy, and I think that adding too many numbers might break the flow of the article. That being said, stats add a lot of validity and depth, and your comment makes me think about how I might be able to incorporate statistics without seeming too impersonal/ stats heavy. It's an age old problem we face as folks in STEM - how do we communicate science in an accessible and more personal way? I will look more into this. Thanks for planting the seed, and for all your comments in general, Alma :)