User talk:Mackenziehoney/sandbox

Prof. Feedback: sources: So let's talk about how you're citing: I love that you have so many sources showing up throughout, but, it would be enough to have just sources #1 and #2 in the lead, for example. Also some of your source links aren't very helpful, such as the one that leads to a ProQuest login. Also, while I think the article and info on it is great I'm not sure how reliable the Aventura Mall source might be considered? Not to say remove it, but perhaps try to add a few more. I think the first two links/sources you have can lead other helpful pages and infos. Additionally, the alumni link you have indicates that she's honored as a "notable alumna" so you might mention that somewhere. structure: it's a little confusing that her education comes first since it clearly happened after she started her foundation. I would consider putting it later because of this. content: I recommend including a link to her foundation's website -- especially since it exists and is so robust. There are no rules against this, it's just simply not meant to be your primary source on her, for example, but helpful to include; perhaps as an "external links" section. I also think you could go into a little bit more depth in some sections, if you're able -- perhaps you can divide up the work since there are three of you. hyperlinking: a next step now is to hyperlink *within wikipedia -- for some things such as breast cancer. And if and where appropriate you can also link back to her page. Otherwise, I agree with your reviewers's assessments. Thanks! --T. Danylevich (talk) 22:01, 13 April 2020 (UTC)

I found all of the content relevant to the article as you discussed Ivory's personal career as well as what her foundation does to serve her community. I think, if possible, it would be great if you could add more about how she became inspired to start the foundation, as well as her specific role now within it. All of your links worked beside the fourth one. When I clicked on it, it took me to the ProQuest website where I had to login to view the source. If there is a way for you to link the source that doesn't go through ProQuest I think that would be better. Additionally, your writing is concise and to the point. Esmekalbag (talk) 20:53, 10 April 2020 (UTC) Esme

I agree with what Esme said. The article is concise and includes the most important details about Ivory. Not sure if all of the citations need to be in the first section, unless information was pulled from all six to create those sentences. You may be able to weave the sentence about her education into the introduction, rather than having an entire separate section "Education" just for one sentence. Another option could be expanding on her education and keeping that section... not sure if you have enough info to do so. The section on her career is kind of short as well, maybe you could add a sentence or two more about what it means to be a delegate in each of those conferences. Overall, great work! :) Sms492 (talk) 23:45, 10 April 2020 (UTC)